- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
Before you judge….hear me out on the back story. My fiance’s aunt and uncle and their kids (his 2 cousins, one male and one female who are both 30 years old) haven’t had much to do with the family for the last several years. Just this past year they have started to come back into the picture. Mostly because of his female first cousin. She has a lot of mental issues….bipolar, depression,etc. and my fiance’s parents and his other aunt and uncle have been trying to get her help.
My fiance and I tried to get to know her better, we gave her our number, emails, even tried to plan a a daytrip. But she never gave us a second breath. However, she was speaking with my fiance’s parent’s and our other aunt and uncle regularly, even going over to see them and sleeping over their houses occassionally. At first I was a little bit jealous. Were my fiance and I not good enough for her? But then I started to see her true colors. She wasn’t talking to us because we came to her empty handed. We weren’t going to buy her clothes and take her to dinner and let her use our house like a hotel.
Things continued to spiral from here. She wasn’t taking her medicines properly, she stopped going to see the psychiatrists that the family had arranged for her. Refused to enroll in a group program. She was also blatantly mooching off my fiance’s parents and her aunt and uncle, and making them drop everything to help her with some minute drama. Every time we saw her, she would trash her parents (my fiance’s aunt/uncle). It was really starting to get under my skin.
So my fiance and I said something to his parents. They know the intricacies of her mental illness, and recognized her tendencies to say and do just about anything to get her way. She is extremely manipulative, thinks nothing is her fault, and doesn’t see how badly she treats people. We were relieved to hear that we weren’t the only ones who noticed, however at the end of the day she is still part of the family. So we just grinned and beared it. We of course would never say anything to her directly knowing her mental conditions.
Until about a month ago. She was staying over my fiance’s parents house for a few nights (they had invited her in hopes of convincing her back in to seeing her psychiatrists). During this time, she got the idea in her head that she should join a gym in their area, and plan her future being at my fiance’s parents house. You should have seen the look on their faces when she said this! Mostly I just avoided having conversation with her or when I did have to talk with her, I tried to keep it light and talk about positive things. But she asked me to come sit with her privately and talk with her. There was really no easy way for me to decline.
So we sat down and again she was asking about gyms I would recommend in the area and wanting to build her future around my fiance’s parents house. At this point, this was the third time she had asked me about it, and I knew that my fiance’s parents had no intention of ever having her live with them. So I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea. Seeing that I wasn’t going to give in, she continued to push at me about it. So I said that being with her aunt and uncle was just very temporary, and that being there would never solve the issues she faces. Perhaps it was stubborn of me not to just smile and nod, but I won’t go against what I believe is right, no matter who you are.
No sooner than the statement was out of my mouth, she went running to tattle tale on me to my fiance’s mother. And then she left and didn’t come back until my fiance and I went home for the night. I spoke with my fiance’s mother right after the cousin had left, as I knew she would overexaggerate everything and lie about what had happened. Unfortunately she was a bit upset with me because she was trying to get the cousin back into a calm enough state of mind so that she would agree to get help again. But, she knew that I had been cornered, the way she always does to manipulate people, and that I was just saying what we all know as true.
I hadn’t seen the cousin since that day, until this past weekend. We were having a little birthday party for my fiance’s uncle (her father). We went out to dinner, and she did not come, they said she was sleeping. We then went back to their house for cake and presents. Again she wasn’t around. After cake, she must have woken up, and heard people in the house. She came storming down the stairs yelling, screaming, swearing in a fit of rage. While most of it was unintelligible, I did make out a few things and it was clear to me that she was upset that I was there. We all decided it best to just leave before things got worse.
My fiance and I were both disturbed by her completely unprovoked behavior and asked his mother why she was lashing out like that, particularly against me. My fiance’s mother informed us that she was upset about what I had said all those weeks ago. Also, she had said that the cousin told her I had locked her in their basement and yelled at her and swore at her and such. Obviously, none of that is true. But she is dimented enough to believe this in her mind.
The problem I face now is if I have to invite her to our wedding. I don’t hold a grudge against her, I truly hope she gets the help she needs. However, the way she acted most recently was completely uncalled for and unprovoked, her anger is based on lies, and it made me feel very threatened. Someone such as she could easily become violent when in a fit like that. I know she is a first cousin, and I think her parents would have enough common sense to keep her home. However, she is 30 yrs old, they give her access to a car. I am almost scared she would come just to spite me.
Have any of you ever faced such a family drama? I am so lost on this one. I don’t want to offend my fiance’s parents and my fiance’s aunt and uncle by not inviting her. But I don’t want to risk someone like that having a tantrum in the middle of my wedding, especially when her anger is directed at me over something that never happened. I know she would realize if she wasn’t invited and it may only fuel her further. However, if she does receive an invitation, there’s a chance she would come, which would be my worst night mare after the way she acted last I saw her.
Any advice? What would the proper ettiquette be here given the situation?