Post # 1
Hi bees, a little conflicted about what to do. A bunch of “aunts” (female family friends) are excited to throw me a bridal shower in my hometown. I’m super thrilled and love these women and would be honored to have them host a shower for me. The issue is: currently, my mother and I are not communicating. She’s been emotionally abusive most of my childhood, rude and condescending to my fiance, and recently manipulated several members of my family to turn against me. In short: she’s a piece of work.
I am working to alter our relationship so there are stricter boundaries while still maintaining a close relationship with my dad. She will be at the wedding and is considered a host, along with my father and father-in-law. The reason I don’t want her at the shower isn’t to spite her or hurt her, but simply because I know her presence will stress me out and make me very anxious.
Right now I’m thinking what would be best is to broach the subject with her and ask if she can respect the fact that our relationship still needs a lot of work and understand it would be best if she didn’t attend the shower. I expect to be speaking to her at some point before the wedding so this would be a good way to slightly open up communication without getting me in a place where I’m hurt again.
If anyone has suggestions about how to deal with this kind of situation, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Does talking to her about it sound like a good idea?
I should also note: the women who are hosting the shower are aware of the situation and have told me that my fiance and I are the focus and I should do what makes me feel most comfortable, so they aren’t pressuring me to invite my mother or involve her in any way.
Thanks so much!
Post # 2
You don’t have to invite your mother to the bridal shower, and you most likely shouldn’t.
You know how you’ll feel if she’s there, and the hostesses are on board with her not being there; I say take this opportunity and run with it. Don’t invite her.
I have no advice about how to broach this topic with her. How does she take information like this? Does she get mad or passive aggressive?
Post # 3
Rhopalocera : Thanks so much for your response! Yeah I’m SO glad my aunties made it clear it’s my decision to make whether or not my mother attends. Huge relief that there’s no pressure.
She doesn’t take this sort of information super well. She’ll most likely be very calm, but immediately make herself out to be the victim. I assume she’ll ask at least once if she should even attend the wedding (can’t be honest there…). My guess is she’ll probably spin this with family members as me punishing her far more than she deserves, but hopefully those who know me well enough know I’m not trying to punish anyone, I’m trying to do what’s best for myself.
Post # 4
I absolutely think you’re right to not invite her. It’s great that your aunts are on board and even if she makes herself out as the victim, the people who are important will know the truth.
I think talking to her sounds wise, I’m always in favour of as much communication as possible. Be firm with her, be clear you hope to improve your relationship but know you aren’t there yet
Post # 5
I think that your approach is best. It is amazing how great your Aunts are and I agree with sensoda that people will know the truth about the situation even if she plays the victim. Just remember that it is all about you and your future husband and if she does not see it that way, atleast you talked to her first instead of just blindsiding her. You will be surrounded by people who love you both and that is what matters!