Post # 1
Ladies, I really need help with this one!
I friggin hate my sister’s boyfriend of six years, with whom she lives. I usually like & get along with everyone. But THIS is a different story. We’re talking a history of physical abuse, emotional abuse, alcohol addiction, drug addiction. It has gotten a lot better over the last couple years, because they are both sober now, but I still have really negative feelings toward him. I truly can’t help it! He hurt my sister so much, and I just hate him.
Most of the serious issues are in the past except for the emotional abuse. Which is a big deal! But aside from that, which is generally behind closed doors, he is REALLY annoying at family get-togethers. (We are in the habit of including him for my sister’s sake). He dominates conversation by talking about himself loudly & incessantly, he brings up inappropriate topics (even at the dinner table!) and he’s rude in a host of other ways. And… did I mention… I just hate the site of him, being around him, etc.
So, do I have to invite him to the wedding? It makes me sick to think of him sitting with the guests, witnessing our vows. We’re inviting friends with a guest, but planned only to let siblings bring a guest if they’re in a relationship — and she’s the only one who is. So she’d be the only sibling with a guest… would it work to invite friends with guests, but not let siblings??
So what do you think, ladies? Can I get away with not inviting him? Am I terrible for considering it?
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re terrible for not wanting to invite him, but I think you kinda have to invite him. Unless of course, your sisiter would be totally fine with it and it wouldn’t cause any drama if you don’t invite him. But I’m guessing she is with him for a reason, and she would be upset if you didn’t invite him.
Post # 4
Ugh that SUCKS but I’m gonna say you don’t really have a choice if you’re inviting other people with dates. And she is your sister, which makes it even more obvious that it’s personal if you don’t invite him.
Post # 5
I can totally understand why you wouldn’t want to invite him but would your sister still attend if you didn’t? You run the risk of offending your sister and causing a rift in your relationship. If it were me, I’d just invite him and hope for the best.
I’m in a similar situation with my uncle and his emotionally abusive spouse. I really do not want to include her in this important day in my life but I value my relationship with my uncle.
Post # 6
Even though no other siblings will have dates?
Post # 7
No, you don’t have to invite him.
Will there be a ton of drama if you don’t? Yes, there will be. That is the decision you must make. How much drama am I willing to take to have him not be there?
This is one of those things that I think you can put your foot down on if you emotionally steel yourself and have a plan. You have to expect people to be mad or upset. You cannot get mad at them for being mad or upset. You must explain yourself logically, but acknowledge that this is hard on other people. And then you have to not budge.
You also have to let your parents, siblings, and sister herself know before the invitations go out. Springing this as a surprise is not acceptable.
Finally, I may be totally wrong on this, but Iwould seriously consider telling this guy yourself, IF it will at all spare your sister. My biggest concern in not inviting him in not Emily Post (I doubt she has a section for abusive addicts who date your sister). My biggest concern is that your sister will suffer at home for your decision. While doing all of the things above (stand firm, take the heat, acknowledge people’s feelings, etc.) is totally necessary, you should also do everything you can not to add extra trouble for your sister. You can’t totally protect her, she has made a kind of choice to be abused, you can do things to avoid bringing her more hurt.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Post # 8
How close are you and your sister? I’m very close with mine, so I know what I would do if I were in your situation…I’d talk with my sister. I would be honest with her that he doesn’t normally do well in these type of situations so that you’d considered not inviting him, but that you’d rather not make her uncomfortable either way. Then let her make the decision. If he’s as bad as you say, she’s probably aware of it, it may even embarrass her too! She may be able to not include him by coming up with an excuse for you, but I’d let that be her decision, not yours. You don’t want to draw any lines in the sand in regards to your relationship with your sister, as things like this can hurt for a lifetime if not handled correctly.
The only other suggestion that I have is that you may want to be careful where you place them, if you’re doing a seating arrangement or something…I’d put him around other guests that may be more understanding of his actions & words…and I’d put lots of distance between myself and him on my special day…
Best of luck! And let us know how you handle it!
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
If you want to avoid drama with your sister, then you pretty much have to invite him.
Post # 10
I’m sorry that you have to deal with that. But, I think you kind of have to invite him. You can’t tell your other siblings that they can bring a date, but tell her she can’t. I wouldn’t “invite” him, but you have to put on her invite that she has the option of a guest. Also, what would your sister have to go through if you invited only her, and say she came without him? Would he be horrible to her when she came back? Or leading up to it? Would it make their relationship even worse?
Post # 11
You don’t have to invite him – but I’d be prepared for a mess of family drama if you don’t. That includes your own sister boycotting your wedding.
Post # 12
Trust me, it’s better if you bite the bullet and do it, rather than put up with the drama from not inviting him. 🙁
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I think you already know the answer to this question, unfortunately… you’re pretty much stuck, unless you want to piss off your whole family royally (they will probably side with her, even if nobody likes him, because that’s just how weddings go!).
Post # 14
I dont think you have to…just hear me out. My FIs uncle’s wife (so technically his aunt by marriage) will NOT be invited to our wedding. Reason being that she is emotionally abusive and has stolen money from FIs grandparents by forging their signatures on checks, etc. She is not invited to my wedding but he is even though all other aunts/uncles are invited with their spouses. You should have a conversation with your sister before making a judgment call, but in the end it is your decision and you will have to live with the consequences!
Post # 15
Your not terrible for wanting to exclude him, but it’s poor family politics. Your sister is a big girl who makes horrible decisions (obviously), but your wedding is not the place to show your dislike for her poor choices. You & your family should have expressed your feelings before 6yrs and stopped including him (and in turn her) at other things by now. You pretty much have to invite him, unless you want your sister to not come (and be very angry with you for a very long time) or to have him crash.
Post # 16
this is your day and if the thought of him being there just makes you sick then do not invite them. i understand wanting to please everyone but at the end of the you have to be happy with how it went. you’re going to have these memories for the rest of your life and why add the extra tension and stress of having him there?