Post # 1
We still aren’t decided on whether we are eloping or having a wedding, but we are already getting people trying to invite themselves to our wedding! Namely FBIL’s in laws (so… FI’s brother’s wife’s parents and sister and her SO). We are not close to these people and do not consider them friends or family, in fact we actively avoid them because they are so draining. They have inserted themselves into FI’s family and are always there for Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, etc. We usually choose to celebrate on another day with FI’s family just so we can avoid FBIL’s in laws, who often treat Fiance and I like outsiders in his own family. It’s a weird dynamic – even years into Fiance and my relationship, they would constantly make comments about how Fiance should marry their other daughter instead of me, so they would have a perfect pair of two daughters married to two brothers. Their daughter has already made comments about how she can’t wait to be a bridesmaid (just no – I do not like her).
Long story short, we only want OUR friends and OUR family at our wedding – people who love and care about us – and we especially don’t want these people that we don’t like. We are planning on a fairly small event as well. We also want to kind of draw a line in the sand about who is ‘family’ to Fiance and I – we are not inviting the families of my sisters’ SOs, so we are not making a special exception for FBILs in laws. But Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law consider them family and they are expecting to be invited because they are invited to everything else to do with FI’s family. We will be paying for everything so ultimately it’s our decision, but I was wondering how to navigate this. We have already been trying to shut it down with things like “we are planning a small, intimate affair” but they won’t take the hint. Help!
Post # 2
We didn’t invite anyone with that weak connection to the family. While they may be related to your Future Brother-In-Law by marriage, they are not related to your Fiance.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Nope. You are under no obligation to invite them. I really like my sister’s in-laws but there was never any question of them being invited (nor did they expect to be) and the same for my bro’s in-laws. Stick to your guns – can you sit down with your FIL’s and explain privately to them that you will not be inviting them (don’t say it’s for budget reasons in case they offer to pay) and that you’re not inviting your sisters’ in-laws and you can’t make an exception in this case. Otherwise, “I’m sorry, we were unable to invite everyone we would have liked to celebrate with us – maybe we can catch up after the wedding?” – rinse and repeat as many times as necessary.
Post # 4
0_0 Um, unless you know them well, no.
Post # 5
Good idea, especially about them offering to pay for them – because they definitely would suggest that, but money is not the point. Our date (if we even have a wedding!) is September next year, so we are way off sending invitations or anything… should we be nipping this in the bud now, or waiting until it is closer? I’m just worried that FBIL’s in laws have already been excessively excited about this and keep talking about how they can’t wait for the wedding, trying to find out what season it will be in so they can plan outfits, etc. They are so integrated into FI’s family that they really can’t understand that they aren’t family to us.
Post # 6
Ugh, we had a similar issue. My Fiance insists on inviting his sister’s in-laws and I don’t get this at all. I don’t consider them family and am not, nor ever expect to be, close to them. They are nice people, but I want our guests to reflect those we are close to as much as possible.
I think you’re totally justified in not inviting them. However, I brought my issue up to some co-workers and several said that you normally would invite that kind of connection. News to me.
Post # 7
My future in laws also seem to think their neighbours (who we don’t know) will be invited, and his grandmother thinks she gets to invite guests as well. To a wedding that we are paying for, that will only have about 90 people who are all our family or close friends, when we are already having to cut out cousins and friends of our own to keep things under control. I have a feeling I will have to do a lot more ‘shutting down’ of people who think they are invited.
Post # 8
This is a tough one, especially as your FI’s parents consider them to be family. The reality of the situation, however, is that they have literally no relation to you and do not need to be at your wedding if you don’t want them there. If I was in your shoes, I probably wouldn’t say anything until your FI’s parents brought it up. Then, I would say that you are planning a more intimate affair so you won’t be inviting any of the siblings in laws. If you make it more of a point that your sister’s in laws also aren’t being invited, they might be less inclined to kick up a fuss?
Honestly, I don’t know why the in laws would even expect to be invited – they are nothing to you, and you are nothing to them. I like my sister’s long term boyfriend’s family (his parents and brother) but there is no way they’re on our guest list.
Post # 9
I”m not sure why they expect this either. But I guess it stems from being involved in literally everything with FI’s family.
Another point of contention in this whole thing is that while FI’s family considers their other son’s in laws to be family (and were this way even before they got married), they have never extended any sort of friendship towards my family. Fiance often gets annoyed that he never gets to see his family by themselves, they act like they are a package deal now. It’s also frustrating at holiday times that we have to see our respective families separately, but Future Brother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law both of their families in one place, every single holiday, and we never get to spend Christmas or even Mother’s/Father’s Day with just FI’s family or even my family and FI’s family together. So it’s particularly important to us that we have one day, just one day, where we will be celebrating with OUR families… not having somebody else’s family insert themselves into the mix and think they are just as important to us.
Post # 10
What we did is made a standard for why we invited guests. It is, are you actively engaged in our lives in a positive and meanful way? It helped cut out the guests that were your best friend in third grade…20+ years ago. It also helped with your issue – you do not have to tell folks the standard but so long as you both agree on it, you repeat it to yourself when someone asks to be invited.
It is also a great first opportunity for you both to be a united front. I have also found, with less than 4 weeks to the wedding, that bridezilla is actually just the term for a bride who is dealing with bullsh*t and take it anymore. I have honestly told people, this is my bridezilla moment and this is the decision. It actual works. 🙂
Post # 11
Not only do these people have a tenuous connection at best to you and your Fiance, they also sound completely obnoxious. I wouldn’t invite them, and probably wouldn’t even go out of my way to be diplomatic about it if they inquire about it.
Post # 12
They might be close to FI’s parents, but they’re not close to you and your Fiance. There’s no need to invite them. Just keep telling them you have a limited guest list.
Post # 13
I vote for nipping this in the bud. Come up with a number of invites you are comfortable with them giving to friends and family, and let them know as soon as possible. That way, it’s up to them who they invite, but they’ll understand that there are limitations and they can’t just invite everyone.
Post # 14
I would just spell it out for your parents, we don’t like them- therefore we don’t want them at our wedding, it’s a special day for the special people in our life’s. You’re parents can concoct whatever excuse up that they want to but in my eyes it’s not something you’re obligated to do.
Post # 15
I vote no! We’re doing immediate family that we actually know (Asian family, we have a massive extended family) and I also said no to my parents asking about my sister in laws mother being invited. I barely know the woman, met her all of 5 times in the 6 years my sister in law has been with my brother. I made it clear to my parents that I don’t want to invite randoms to my wedding, it’s expensive and therefore we want to have actual close family and friends and not obligations. Don’t give in to the peer pressure!