(Closed) Do I have to invite them now?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

That’s a tough one.  Ettiquette says if a guest is invited to the shower, they ought be invited to the wedding.  Barring issues with venue limitations, I would say it’s rude not to invite Anne.  In general, I think that if you invite one “tier” of family members, you should invite everyone.  So inviting one aunt means inviting all aunts and uncles.  Otherwise it just seems divisive no matter how much you don’t see, speak to, or like your other aunts and uncles.

Post # 4
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

you shouldnt invite anyone that you do not want to

Post # 5
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think if they were invited to the shower, they need to be invited to the wedding.

Post # 6
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

It’s only two people…. just invite them, no dates, Mary probably won;t show up and it seems like Anne isn’t so bad.

Post # 8
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think if they got an invitation to the shower, they should get one to the wedding.

Post # 9
Member
599 posts
Busy bee

Etiquitte says yes they need to be invited. However if money is an issue then I would hope they would understand. Times are tough and two more people could mean a lot more money for food, favors, chairs, etc. And one more thing, it is your day. If you think their presence will in anyway put a damper on your spirit then don’t invite them. But be prepared for the consequences of falling outs and other family members wanting to voice their opinion about your decision.

Post # 10
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

if you do not want to invite them, don’t period. it s really not that big of a deal

Post # 11
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee

Traditional ettiquette says that people who are invited to the shower should be invited to the wedding.  Although, I think that IME, the bride provides the invitation list to the shower hostess, so that way people who are not invited to the wedding will not be included.

FWIW, just because they’ve seen the StD magnet, doesn’t mean you have to invite them.  My Mother-In-Law told pretty much everyone she’d ever met what our wedding date was, but it didn’t  meant that we had to invite them.  Why weren’t these two on your original list?  I’d say if it’s just two more people and you can invite them without too many problems, maybe I’d do it.  If it would open a whole group of people, say if they are your parents cousins and by inviting them, you would have to invite ALL the cousins, then maybe you can get away with not inviting them.  Against my wishes, my Mother-In-Law invited a bunch of people to the shower that she threw for me and I did not cave and invite them to the wedding.  It was awkward, but I didn’t want to change our list (invitations had already gone out) because she was being difficult.  You CAN do it, but it’s traditionally right and I’ll admit, it does feel weird to have people give you a shower gift and then NOT invite them.

Post # 12
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

i think i’m confused. did your aunt go over the invite list with you? if so, and you did not tell her these two were not on your own list for wedding invites (and therefore should not have been invited to the shower), then i think ettiquette dictates that you invite them to your wedding. unless it is a work shower, then you should not invite anyone to a shower whom you do not plan to invite to a wedding because it’s rude and is perceived as gift-grabbing. would you like to be invited to a shower, but not to the wedding? regardless of whether or not you did not want your aunt to know who was on your invite list, you should have either a. had the courtesy to tell her anyway, since she was throwing the shower or b. politely declined her generosity for throwing the shower, so that you would not have to tell her who was included in your invite list. .

Post # 13
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

i think you should invite both.

if mary always declines, you don’t have to really worry about her, and anne should probably be invited since she attended the shower, even though you hadn’t originally intended to do so. you can’t undo your aunt’s faux pas, so instead of making it worse, just invite them and be done with it.

i think it’s better in this situation to invite both of them and eliminate the problem instead of creating what it sounds like will make an even more awkward social situation. it’s unfortunate for you, but i think it’s just one of those crummy things that happens sometimes.

ps – i think it’s really weird mary is so mad if she never comes! what kind of sense does that make!? maybe she just really likes buying gifts for people???? 🙂

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