(Closed) Do I have to pick her as a bridesmaid (and I promise not to call anyone fat….)

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I like your idea of putting her in an adminstrative role! That way she is still included but you don’t have her breathing down YOUR neck but everyone else’s ha. Just tell her (if its true) that there is no one you trust more than her to make sure the day of is just right as far as the venue and stuff.

Post # 4
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

The other girls you’re going to ask to be bridesmaids, are they friends or family? Do all the girls know each other/are they close too?

Post # 5
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Its your wedding and you should pick whoever you want for your bridal party. If I were her I would totally take it as a slap in the face though.

Post # 7
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

i would be honest with her.  i’d say to her, you are one of my oldest friends and i really want you to be a part of our special day but i have some concerns…then tell her what you told us in the same thoughtful manner as u did on the boards.  i would let her know that i want her as a bridesmaid but she has to tone down the judgmental stuff. 

i have learned that sometimes people do not realize that their behavior has a negative effect on others unless they are told.  if she is really ur friend she will respect what u have said to her and be by ur side to wish u well!

 

good luck!

Post # 8
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t know about giving people jobs for the wedding if they don’t even get to be part of your bridal party.  If someone asked me to do stuff like that and I wasn’t included in the bridal party I would be like yeah right!

 

If she is super judgmental person I do understand why you wouldn’t want her to be involved.  People like that make me crazy.

Post # 10
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Why not pick her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man and just not share any details with her?  I would definitely not give her a leadership role, since the other BMs don’t like her.  I would give the leadership role to someone very supportive and who gets along with everyone.  If you feel that she would create more drama not being in the wedding party than being in the wedding party, then I guess invite her.  But I would just call her out EVERY TIME she says something judgy or nasty.  I mean EVERY TIME.  You say “I have decided on tulips.”  (Because you only tell her details AFTER you have made up your mind!) And she says something like “Tulips are ugly and cheap.”  You can reply “I don’t appreciate you saying that, and I’d appreciate if you keep your thoughts to yourself from now on.”  She’ll get tired of hearing that and your BMs will appreciate you saying something to her.

Post # 11
Member
2054 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I think its kind of strange to have her in an administrative role without having her in the bridal party…I think she will take it as a slap in the face…can you have her as a bridesmaid and tell her that she is responsible for the administrative stuff? but if you dont feel comfortable with her I would just not have her in the bridal party at all…

Post # 13
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think it will all depend on the delivery and how you sell it. If you make it sound like a really important job that perhaps only she can pull off then you will be stroking her ego and complimenting. she may be perfect for the role taking charge and not taking any slack from vendors etc. I would get her a present like you would get the other BM’s and mention her in speeches if you mention the other girls. Single her out and sell it!

Post # 14
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I had a group of girlfriends who weren’t BMs but who helped out ALOT both during the engagement and the wedding (set up the reception tables etc). I called them my planning committee, bought them all personalised t shrits to wear on the day, and got teary when I thanked them in my speech. I don’t think any of them were annoyed to be doing those jobs when they weren’t in the bridal party. It is possible to put people in that role and it’s not a slap in the face, but I think it depends on how close you are and who is in the bridal party (I just had sisters, a cousin and my male BFF). If your friend knows she does this and even jokes about it and the rest of you ignore it, then letting her know this is the reason she isn’t your Bridesmaid or Best Man might be a wake up call to her that her attitude and behaviour have consequences and she might want to re-think how she treats her friends.

Post # 15
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

Pick whomever is closest to you at this moment in your life who is supportive of you and your relationship. If you aren’t close anymore even though you were when you were younger, just invite her as a guest. It takes the pressure off both of you.

No idea what you mean by administrative role, but stuff like the guestbook takes care of itself and is not an honor for anyone. The caterers take care of serving the food and drink. Even when those roles are given to teens, no one wants to do them so an adult certainly will not. Allow her to be a guest which is much more of an honor than any ‘duties’ that may be performed by a non-bridesmaid, especially someone you are not close to at all at this point in your life.

Post # 16
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Since you have reservations, you probably shouldn’t pick her regardless of how helpful she might be. Do you have to pick your BMs right away? If not you could see what her attitude is towards your wedding choices are (if she asks you point blank, just say you haven’t thought about it yet).

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