(Closed) Do I HAVE to Thank His Parents in the Ceremony Program?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

This is going to be harsh, but I think you need to hear it.  Your post comes across as outrageous.  No one’s parents have an obligation to pay for anything related to your wedding.  You are not entitled to anyone’s money.  A lot of people thank their parents in the programs for being parents- for raising them and supporting them (not just financially) over the years.

Post # 4
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I know that you are annoyed at your fiance’s parents for not doing what they promised, etc., etc., but if you are going to thank parents in writing, you HAVE to thank them all. You can do a special verbal thanks to your own parents, or get them a special gift with a handwritten card if you want them to know how much their support meant to you.

Please take the long view on this–your relationship with your in-laws will last the rest of your lives, and you don’t need them bringing up “well, you didn’t even THANK us at the wedding!!” in 20 years when you are arguing over something else.

Saying “thank you” even though they weren’t useful during the planning process is the polite thing to do. Take the high road. Without his parents, you wouldn’t have a Fiance to marry, so you can thank them for that at least! 🙂

Post # 5
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

along the same lines as Miss Rigby- you aren’t necessarily thanking them for their monetary contributions, but for being your parents.  And I think you’d feel pretty shitty if they end up giving something later on, even though, again, they aren’t obligated to.

Post # 6
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@EleanorRigby: I agree with your post.  Parents are under no obligation to help pay for your wedding. And traditionally, the groom’s parents only pay for rehersal dinner. So they probably feel they have met their obligation.

Thank them because they have raised and cared for the man you love.

Post # 7
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

For what its worth, I don’t think your post is outrageous. The way I read it was that you want to thank your parents for going above and beyond and feel it is rude to them to thank all the parents because his parents didn’t do anything. I sense some frustration that they’ve not helped but I didn’t read your post as feeling entitled to their help, more like this is the situation now what do we do? 

I’m inclined to sympathize with you though because we had a somewhat similar situation. My parents helped us a lot (about 1/3 of our total budget) and up until 3 weeks before our wedding my DH’s parents had done nothing (we were paying the other 2/3). Similar situation where it wasn’t that they didn’t have it… it was just that they had no intention of helping. And I felt the same as you– I was SO grateful to my parents for doing what they didn’t have to do I really wanted to honor that. About 3 weeks before our wedding my DH’s parents did offer to take care of the rehearsal dinner (which we had already booked, so they were just paying for it). Here is how I handled “credit”: 

– I wrote our invitations as my parents inviting the guests (even though we paid more than they did, I felt this was the clearest way to honor their contribution)

– In our programs we thanked the parents generally for raising us

– At the rehearsal dinner I did a thank you speech to everyone who came and specifically thanked his parent for hosting the dinner

– At the wedding my husband did a thank you speech to everyone who came and specifically thanked my parents for their contribution and my mom for the time she spent helping me plan.

Post # 8
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Oh wow. Yes you have to thank both sets of parents – for their love and support. So his family couldn’t help financially – they don’t have to. That was nice of your parents to pay for your wedding – they didn’t have to. Did you place them on the invite as the hosts? If so, that is their “acknowledgement”. To be honest – no one needs to know your parents paid. That’s no ones business. They did it as a favor and gift to you right?

You come off very entitled and bratty. No one is entitled to a free wedding from mommy and daddy. And his parents aren’t any less of people because they couldn’t afford to help out.

Get your prioties straight and realize that family should be respected regardless of the size of their bank account.

Post # 9
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

@EleanorRigby:  I also agree with your post! Very well stated. Parents deserve thanks for all they’ve done to raise us, not just for contributing money. And, it’s true that traditionally the husband’s family does not pay for the wedding itself so they may be viewing their role more traditionally.

Post # 10
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Wow I’m kind of surprised at how harsh some of these responses are. Maybe I’m reading wrong but I don’t think she’s saying that her FI’s family HAS to give them money. I think she’s just trying to figure out a fair way to honor her parents. It was really really really nice and generous of them to do so much for the couple… is it wrong that she wants to thank them for that? 

Post # 10
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

@JrzyGurl: this was overly harsh. also, if you read the OP’s actual post, the issue wasn’t that the parents couldn’t afford to help, it’s that they didn’t put any effort into coordinating. check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Post # 11
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I really like how Corgi thanked her parents. Regardless of how you do it, all parents need to be thanked even if you are just thanking them for raising and supporting your fiance and supporting the two of you in your marriage. However I wouldnt just put thank you to one set of parents on the programs. Everyone will see that and it is likely his parents will be hurt by that.

Post # 12
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I may be reading it wrong too.  I read it as the OP is upset that her FH’s family has the money to spend on their wedding, rehearsal, or honeymoon but the mom is “selfish” with her money, and the dad has chosen to spend it on other things.  Also that it is difficult to coordinate the rehearsal dinner with them.  I think suggesting that they shouldn’t be thanked and trying to figure out a way to make sure that everyone knows who paid for what is just wrong…  also saying that they had 4 years to “save” for their honeymoon really rubs me the wrong way.  All of these things in combination made me think the post was outrageous.  I know sometimes things come across the wrong way online, and it might not have been the OP’s intent.

Post # 13
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@EleanorRigby: i guess i just read that stuff as heading off the inevitable comments like “well maybe his parents have no way to contribute so you should thank them anyways” type things… just showing that both parents had a choice about things and his parents chose not to help. 

but i’m sure we all read posts with our own biases in mind 🙂

Post # 15
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Corgi

Yeah, I see your point.  I guess I just don’t see how it makes a difference (especially as far as thanking them is concerned), because they still aren’t obligated to pay for anything.  It just comes across as entitled to me.  I don’t think you should expect to be given money just b/c the parents have it.

@OP

I just read your above post, and I think I understand your frustration, and that it was just a case of things not computing over the internet.  I think if you feel most comfortable, you can just omit the thank yous entirely.  If you list your parents on the invite, people will know they are the hosts.

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