Do I invite my brother despite all the advice not to?!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
14 posts

Do you feel you want him there to witness this step? Do you think there would be something missing without him? Do you want to share this moment with him? Do you think you would regret inviting him more than not inviting him?

Let’s assume we’d know for sure that he wouldn’t cause a scene of any kind. Would you want him to be there?

Maybe you could advise the barkeeper (or waiters etc.) to have an eye on him and how much he drank or you brief some close friends on how to handle the situation if anything should happen. 

I wouldn’t be too worried that he is going to bring weed to the party – who would, knowing that the room is full of cops? 

Post # 3
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
mollychip89 :  I would invite him.

I would be CRUSHED if one of my siblings didn’t invite me, and I’m not close with all. It’s just one of those life events. How would you feel if you in his shoes? 

Also, I feel like smoking weed (which is legal in a lot of places) and having a bad relationship with your dad aren’t good reasons to disown someone. He’s going to feel like his whole family abandoned him, which sucks. And if you don’t invite him, I think you”re correct in that you are ruining any chance at a relationship with him in the future.

Post # 4
4226 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Ok I going to try to refrain from being too passionate and harsh in my response…

A wedding is about sharing and celebrating your commitment to a great person for the rest of your lives. Your brother does not sound like a miscreant, he doesn’t sound like a scumbag, he doesn’t sound like he is not happy for you. I couldn’t even fathom not inviting a sibling of mine to my wedding unless he would make a scene (which you haven’t convinced me he would, just because others THINK he might and have no proof otherwise is not convincing).

Your brother sounds like the “black sheep” of the family. He sounds like he just needs some love and attention and is dealing with some hurt and pain from his past, No wonder why he acts out! I think you will have bigger issues if he DOESNOT get invited.

I don’t think you have any reason to even question whether he should be there or not. Do the right thing. And if you honestly think he’s going to bring weed to the wedding (I kind of doubt it) then have a quick convo with him to be sure that he knows you 100% won’t tolerate it.

And I am so sorry to hear about your sister. Just to give you some perspective, my sister was my Maid/Matron of Honor but was very very sick on my wedding day (eating disorders, mental illness) and I wasn’t sure she would make it (her health was deteriorating). Plenty of people told me I should not have her as my Maid/Matron of Honor because she is not responsible. But I did not listen to those people and I am glad I didn’t. 

Post # 5
3239 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I would invite him. 

Post # 6
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I would invite him but I would tell him that your dad will be there and remind him that given yours and your FI’s professions, it would be ill advised to bring weed to the wedding.  I would also give him an out and say “I understand if seeing my dad would be too difficult for you and you can’t make it.”  If he does come, I would advise the bartender to keep an eye on his consumption.  

Post # 7
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I would invite him. He’s getting treated by the family as though he’s some mindless, moody teenager with no control over his actions. Just say to him that you know it may be difficult at times but you’d really appreciate his attendance. Treat him like an adult and he may just respond in kind.

But if you absolutely do not want him there then that’s your choice; it’s your wedding. Just be prepared to pay the consequences.

Post # 8
733 posts
Busy bee

I don’t really see anything in your post indicating there’s really a reason to not invite him. You say that others are claiming he said this and that, or he may do this and that. It’s second hand info and speculation. If he did tell your mom he’s not sure about being able to handle it, people say things like that about weddings all the time. Someone may be there that brings up bad memories, there’s a past, or maybe they just are feeling weird about someone they know getting married when they aren’t. He may have said something in passing in a difficult moment. I doubt that he intended for you mom to tell you about it at all.

As for him maybe getting drunk and making a scene, if you are serving alcohol, then you take that chance with any guest. Even with no alcohol scenes can happen. I see no reason to exclude him and think it would be very cruel not to. You’re a adult, sounds like he’s a adult of his full capacities.  Let him decide if he is going to attend or not. I heard all kinds of ‘suggestions’ about who I should or should not invite when I was planning my wedding and eventually I just had to play the fire breathing bride card (the term bridezilla wasn’t invented yet) and tell people that since there was such a conflict of opinions on my guest list, groom and I would be making the final decision on the guest list and any other wedding plans. We were open to suggestions from anyone, but in the end it was our decision. Most everyone respected and agreed with that decision, the few that didn’t wished they had later on.

I think you should invite your brother, I hope you do. It could be wonderful in the end.


Post # 9
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I would invite him. He’s your BROTHER, not some far down the line cousin you barely know. Even if you aren’t close, I think it will cause more hurt and do more to drive a further wedge between the relationship you have if you don’t. He sounds like he wants to feel like he’s part of a family and not inviting him will just further his feeling like he’s not. I would send the invite and include a personal note to him letting him know how much it would mean to you for him to attend- you obviously want him to despite others in your family telling you not to or you wouldn’t have a dilemma! I would also make sure to mention that your dad will be there so if he chooses not to attend you understand but if he chooses attend you hope he will be able to be civil towards your dad so as not to cause any extra tension for you and your mom. 

You have to remember that just because you invite someone it doesn’t guarantee they’ll attend. He could decide not to attend because he doesn’t feel comfortable but at least he will feel like you wanted him there and thought of him. 

As for the drugs and drinking, I would address that with him when he RSVPs. If he says yes, just maybe send him a message saying that you’re so happy he’ll be there to celebrate with you but just wanted to remind him Fiance is a cop and many other guests in attendance are also on the police force so please refrain from bringing marijuana to the wedding as you don’t want him to get in any trouble on such a special day. 

Also agree with pp who said maybe ask the bartender and waitstaff to keep an eye on how much alcohol he’s consuming. 

Post # 10
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I have a half sister and we aren’t close. We were not raised together. I cannot stand to be around our father because he is a total evil asshole. However, I would be extremely hurt if she did not invite me if she ever got married. I would then have the option of declining. I would probably go to the wedding and put my feelings aside regarding my father. 

I wouldn’t worry too much about the cannabis. Treat him like the adult he is. I doubt he’d bring pot to an event with multiple police officers attending. If he did bring it, he’d most likely keep it hidden. At least give him a chance–if he screws anything up, that’s on him. 

Post # 12
9530 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
mollychip89 :  

Good thinking OP . I believe you have chosen the best and most compassionate course . He is not some raving violent creature ( if you want to see a bad brother , look at )

You won’t regret it , I do believe. He sounds  rather sad and alone and your leaving  him out could do nothing but harm imho. 

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