(Closed) Do I kick her out?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
8883 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Call her and talk to her, tell her exactly how you are feeling. I had an almost identical experience recently and talking to my Bridesmaid or Best Man is what helped smooth things over. If she still can’t commit to things, then tell her to step down.

Post # 4
Member
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you kick her out, YOU will look like the bad guy.  Give her the drop-dead date to pick up the dress, and if she does then great.  If not, she has taken herself out of the wedding.  Stop asking her to do DIY stuff since she obviously isn’t interested.  If you plan on things without counting on her, you will be less stressed trying to depend on a person who isn’t dependable.  You did decide to include her in the bridal party, so you will look like an ass if you kick her out now :/

Post # 5
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@InATizzy:  I would outline everything you just said and call her and tell her “I understand if you are too busy to be in the wedding party. You are still invited to all the wedding events but I would not be upset if you need to step down”. Tell her you need her to step up and how upset you are she ruined your dress experience. Give her an out and maybe she will take it. If not, give it more time and if nothing improves just tell her you think it’s best she just be a beloved guest because it is not fair to you or the other BMs anymore

Post # 6
Member
12976 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You asked her to be in the bridal party, and now you’re kind of stuck with it.  If you kick her out, you’ll likely ruin any semblance of a friendship that’s left.  Honestly, I get a little annoyed with brides who complain that their BMs aren’t helping with the DIY stuff.  It’s one thing if they offer to help, but the role of a Bridesmaid or Best Man isn’t to do the DIY tasks you decided to take on.  The role of a Bridesmaid or Best Man is to buy the dress (which I agree, your Bridesmaid or Best Man needs to step up and do this), and show up clean and dressed for the wedding. 

Post # 8
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sounds like even if she wasn’t in your wedding like a toxic friend. Is she someone you want to be close freinds with? If not I would kick her out all together she sounds like my ex friend/MOH who avoided 100% of everything relating to my wedding on the same kind of note “well that is a long time from now!” bull crap, to make a long story short for I have told the story on the bee before she was simply green with jealousy and fake at caring just to show face when she felt it nessesary and I kicked her out and we are no longer friends.  

Post # 9
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think only because you told them before the wedding thaty ou expected diy help that she could have bowed up. Speak to her when you are clam and offer her out or if you really feel strongly tell her you no longer want her in the wedding party.

Post # 11
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is a tough one and I really feel for you being in this position.  It does sound as though she’s not “into” being your bridesmaid even though it was her request to be one.  If you let her remain she may continue stressing you out and that’s not fair to you at all.  On the other hand, if you ask her to step down you may run the risk of offending her.  If it were me, I’d get together with her for lunch sometime soon and bring up your friend who is interested in taking her place.  If you let her know this far in advance hopefully there won’t be any hurt feelings. 

Put it like this:  “I really appreciate that you offered to be a bridesmaid and everything you’ve done so far.  But my friend, ___, is just so into weddings and DIY projects and has so much time to help that she’s very interested in being in my wedding also.  So, I was thinking, since I only have a limited number of spots for my wedding party, how about us letting her take your place (since you’re so busy and all with your social life, etc.) but you still be a part of the festivities such as the bacherlorette part.”  In other words, compliment her and smooth her pride to avoid ruffling her feathers, but make it clear that your new person is more suited to the “job” of being your bridesmaid.  And finish off by saying again how much you appreciated her and really know what a busy, social butterfly she is, etc.

It truly sounds as though she only wants to be included in the “party part” of your wedding and not wanting to fulfill her duties as bridesmaid.  This is your wedding, and it’s very important.  You are the bride and you don’t need the undue stress of a reluctant, undependable bridesmaid.  Be nice about it, and gently cut her loose, but still issue the “party” invites.  Also, buy her a drink or three at lunch and it may make the news go down a little easier.

Good luck!! 

Post # 15
Member
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you do decide to kick her out, know that it is a friendship ending move… and if you don’t want to be friends anymore then it doesn’t really matter if you look like the jerk in the situation.  But PLEASE- whatever you do- don’t replace her.  It not only comes across that you think she is replaceable, but it also makes the replacement feel like, well, a replacement.  If you kick her out, or she steps down, just let it be what it is.  Your marriage will not be invalid if you have uneven sides, I promise.

Post # 16
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You need to have a heart to heart with her. Til you do, you really can’t talk about kicking her out. Sure, it’s her job as a friend to not be flaky and as a bridesmaid, be supportive of your wedding activities. But it’s also your job as a friend to be honest with her if she is seriously doing something that bothers you. I would not bring up the other friend who’s interested and I wouldn’t talk bad about her to your other bridesmaids ( not sure if you have). Just have an adult sit down convo with her and tell her you feel like she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid and that it seems like she may be too busy for it. Then take it from there. It’s obviously not ever going to get better if you don’t even talk to her.

 

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