(Closed) Do I leave him and start over?

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
319 posts
Helper bee

GreenGables:  totally agree. It’s okay to say we will wait until xyz has happened or I need this much time. But you can’t go on with some nebulous timeframe that may or may not happen. That’s the discussion you need to have and if he can’t tell you what the deciding factors are then leave. If he’s waiting to make sure your loyal or won’t leave bullshit, you e proven this. once he gives you his requirements you can then decide if it’s realistic or fits into your requirements. 

Post # 17
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Six years is plenty of time to know if you want to marry someone or not. I think you already have your answer…he just doesn’t seem ready. And it doesn’t look like he’s going to be ready anytime soon. It does seem like yall are on different timelines. It wouldn’t be fair for him to propose and get married if he isn’t ready and it’s fair for you to sit around and wait or sacrifice your wants and needs for him. Either way it goes, it’s going to be a tough decision but you may have to cut your loses if you’re starting to feel resentment because you will become miserable.

Post # 18
Member
701 posts
Busy bee

I’d move on, especially if you want to have kids. Honestly, the biological clock is ticking. 28 is plenty old enough for marriage, and 6 years is plenty long enough. If he’s not ready by now, yes, I’d wonder if he’d ever be ready, and I’d wonder if I was “the one” for him. If he provided you with solid logical reasons, I might say something differently, but as someone else said, “bogus,” seems like the perfect word to describe the reasons he’s giving. How about if he ends up unmarried with a kid and unemployed struggling? Lol. If you don’t want to call it quits just yet you can make a deadline. I know a lot of people are against it, but to me, sometimes it’s necessary. It can be a deadline you talk with him about or a deadline you mentally have. But, otherwise yes, I think there’s a good chance you’ll be waiting for nothing. And neither of you should see it as a “deadline to propose” Rather a deadline that if he’s still not ready, you’ll have to walk away from it because you HAVE given it enough time. Sorry. I really do understand. I’ve been with SO for what’ll be 7 yrs in June. I do have a deadline, and he’s aware.

Post # 19
Member
747 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

an0nabee:  hi there. An outsider prospective it looks like he needs a financial plan. Many men assume that being married is a huge responsibility for them to then be the provider,and responsible for their wife and children.  This is very common. I suggest talking to him about his financial fears of the cost of  children, his 5 to 10 year career plan and see if you can understand more of his financial fears of family life/job security. He sounds responsible imo. Try not to make it about the actual marriage/emotional aspect but what he associates wth responsibility and his wanting to be a good provider.  It sounds old school,but in a lot of ways this is how society has trained men to think.

Post # 20
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

annelise210516:  i don’t think that’s true. I only know one guy who waited until he was mid thirties to get married. Plenty of people get married late 20’s. 

I just don’t think he’s interested in marriage OP. I would move on personally. ‘Some day’ is something you say as a 20 year old, not a 28 year old. 

Post # 21
Member
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

morningcoffee:  I guess this is very dependent which area you are from, maybe even more the same amongst ones own social circle. I shouldn’t have made a broad statement. The way I have seen it in My circle in central London UK I’ve seen a clear minority married before 30 and especially amongst the men that phase of being “ready” seems to be early-mid 30s.

Post # 22
Member
1387 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’d leave. You got together when he was 22. He was young, immature, and probably didn’t know what he wanted in life. Now it’s been six years. He’s happy with the arrangement, but doesn’t see the need to leave or make a commitment. He’s just there. Six years is plenty of time. With that said Darling Husband and I dated 5 years before getting married, but we were both waiting to finish college and get settled in our career. We only moved in-together one year before we were married. Marriage was something we always talked about and something we were working towards as a couple. 28 is plenty old enough to know what you want in life. 

Post # 23
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

I felt just like you. There was no age difference but i thought he was stalling because I was not the one. We had been together a long time. I probably pressured him because I was ready. He said I WAS THE ONE but he would have waited a few years had it been completely up to him. I dont regret putting pressure on him. HE NEEDED IT. He had become complacent

 

We have now booked our wedding and he is really into it and happy. I dont think the question is if hes ready I think you need to ask him if your the one. 

Post # 24
Member
33 posts
Newbee

I’d move on, OP. I have several friends in the same situation and it’s really painful to watch. One of my best friends just had her 6 year anniversary last year, heading into 7 years, bought a place, financially tied together, both in their 30s, no proposal and he won’t even discuss it. If he won’t even give a timeline eg. 6 months, 12 months, he isn’t ready and never will be. And after a while you stop bringing it up because you’re scared it’ll just push him further away. Maybe leaving will make him realise that you’re special, but I doubt it. Someone who loves you and wants to be with you WILL propose, regardless of lame excuses like “not liking to dance at weddings”. That is an incredibly insulting excuse on so many levels by the way. He won’t even dance to make you happy, what does that say about his ability to tolerate smelly baby poo, illness, financial difficulties?

Give him 3 months, 6 months, until the end of the year in your head. Then, just leave. Don’t look back even if he “changes his mind”.

If he can’t decide after 6 years, then you’re probably not the one to him. I’m sorry OP, I don’t want you to end up like I nearly did with my ex, and like I see many of my friends now who are all in their early 30s. Bite the bullet and just end it.

Post # 25
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - His Way Church & Chesapeake Room @ Downs Park

“I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over 6 years. We are very happy and currently live together…

He said he does ‘want to get married one day…”

Based on this, my opinion is No, you should not leave him. I just had a conversation today with my Fiance about how I feel like I am never satisfied with my life in the now, and I’m always waiting for the next thing to happen before I feel like I can be happy, which is ridiculous. If you live your life based on something that you are waiting on to happen in the future, you are never going to appreciate how happy you are with him right NOW. 

The only time you should consider leaving him is if you are actually unhappy with him as a person and feel like he will never be on the same page as you. But for now, it honestly seems like he is telling you the truth that he is just not ready and that it will happen one day. If you are happy NOW, focus on NOW. Don’t leave him based on an assumption that he won’t propose. 

Post # 27
Member
4260 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

If a guy wants to marry you, he will.  After 6 years, I would not be waiting around.  You want to be married, and you want kids.  You do not have 6 more years for him to get to where you are.  

Post # 28
Hostess
3189 posts
Sugar bee

If you want to have children, how much longer are you going to wait for this guy to get his shit together and make up his mind what he wants? Six years is a long time to wait. 

Post # 29
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

He doesn’t want to marry YOU, OP.  I’m sorry to say this.

 

Also…women tend to believe that if a guy moved in with them and even BUYS a house with them, well surely marriage is the next step.

 

WRONG….Men move in with us without marriage because of 3 things

 

Someone to pay half the bills

Convenient sex

Someone to clean up after them

 

OP….34 is getting up there in child bearing age.  Yes, it’s not old but the process of dating…finding the right guy and getting married can take a few years.

 

Personally, I’d cut my losses but I would’ve done that 3 years ago

 

Good luck

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Profile Photo melissa809.

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