Do I leave my job to take a new job offer because of my boyfriend?

posted 3 weeks ago in Career
Post # 2
6871 posts
Busy Beekeeper

joanne1992 :  Any chance the new company can give you a signing bonus to make up for the loss of bonus at your current company? Separate work places make for a healthier relationship and it sounds like a better company regardless of your relationship. 

Post # 4
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

joanne1992 :  That is hard. I understand you like working with him and you both have developed a good balance of work and relationship but personally, I have never been a fan of mixing work with personal life. Like you said yourself, it becomes very stressful and hard to separate the two. 

What does your boyfriend think about this new job opportunity? 

I say go for the new job. Yes, you will lose out on the bonus, but it sounds like the relationship you have with your bf is becoming very high stress for you and you don’t need that, especially if you are about to live together! Give yourself space to grow professionally as you two transition into living together. Otherwise, I see that just being way too much time together and it will strain the relationship eventually.

Post # 5
6871 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I agree with PP. If you plan to live with your bf and have another, maybe better, job opportunity I’d take it in a hot minute (though I’d try to negotiate a signing bonus to offset any possible loss at the previous company). 

Post # 6
104 posts
Blushing bee

I’m of the opinion that it’s always a bad idea to tell a current employer about a job offer with another company unless it’s to resign. It brings your loyalty into question, and often companies raise salaries or promise advancement just to keep the employee there until they find a replacement. Based on just this alone I think you should accept the other job, as your current job is very likely not secure long term.


<div dir=”auto” style=”font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; background-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); border-color: #000000; color: #000000;”>Add to it the relationship with a superior, and in my opinion it’s definitely time to move on. This isn’t unjustified insecurity. I’m pretty damn secure, especially when it comes to my work ability, but I wouldn’t want my husband to know every tiny detail of my work life and performance. I’m also very competitive, so working together would drive me nuts because I’d always be comparing myself. We are in completely different industries and I already dislike that he makes 15% more than me and it constantly pushes me to earn more because I want to catch up. If we were in the same type of job I’d always be comparing myself to his work performance and it would be unhealthy. I think your discomfort is completely valid and a good reason to change jobs. 

<div dir=”auto” style=”font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; background-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); border-color: #000000; color: #000000;”>The timing sucks with the bonus, but if it’s a good opportunity and the best place for you long term, then I think it’s worth making the move now. </div>

Post # 7
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

GoDawgs :  agree with this 1000% percent

And keep that relationship discreet, at least for now. It’s not a good look on paper

Your anxiety about work/bf will only grow if you become more serious or go through rough patches. It’s a lose lose if you stay

Post # 8
201 posts
Helper bee

I would take the new job. Even though you work well with your bf, it is a massive conflict and puts you both in an awkward position if you aren’t performing to standards or there are other issues. I know you’ll miss out on some money but take the new job and then you won’t be feeling so anxious at work anymore. Ps, I remember your post about your ex and prison sentence marriage and I’m so glad that you have found someone new and loving and are doing amazing in life! Girl power <3

Post # 9
7094 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’ve worked with my husband in the past and we actually loved it, however it was pretty casual and I was his boss for a short period but it doesn’t sound as strict or professional as your work place. I enjoyed commuting together and spending the day together and then going home together. We are pretty much the opposite now and see each other so little, but we make it work.

I like pps idea of asking for a signing bonus to make up for it. 

Post # 10
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You’re planing to move in together in a few months.  That is a stressful time in any relationship.  There are a lot of potential pitfalls and at least an adjustment period.  I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to go through that adjustment while also working with that person. 

I love my husband dearly.  He is my best friend and I cant imagine my life without him.  Having said that, it would take a BOAT LOAD of money to get me to accept a job where I had to work WITH him every day, much less under him.  Just no. 

Post # 11
342 posts
Helper bee

joanne1992 :  Is there any chance that you can go back to Company Y and tell that that while you are excited by their offer and would love to join their team, your current company has offered to match the salary and a bonus of $12,000 more than their signing bonus. See if they’d be willing to offer you a higher base salary to offset the $12,000 loss. Your current company’s offer to try to keep you may inspire them to raise the stakes. If they say no, you’ve at least gotten a nice raise at your current job for now and can always continue the search after the bonus is awarded. Sometimes it pays to be a little bit uncomfortable for a while in order to achieve your goals.

Congrats on the offers!

Post # 12
9 posts

It seems to me that there are two considerations with your dilemma: money and having your own identity. I met my husband through work and worked with him. We loved commuting and going into the office together. In the end, my husband found another job and it is so much better as we have our own identities at work and there are no adverse perceptions such as favouritism or awkwardness if one didn’t perform well. It sounds like the job offer from Company Y will not come up again (unless they regularly advertise that role) in which case I would see it as an opportunity to forge my own career, identity and enjoy the increased salary even though you would miss out some of the bonus. Would the extra money help to achieve your goal to save up a home deposit?

Good luck with figuring out what works for you.

Post # 13
3642 posts
Sugar bee

I would take the new job because I think it is healthier for your relationship long term and it makes financial sense from a diversity standpoint. If your current company fails in the future or has layoffs, then you are at higher risk as a couple financially.

Post # 14
374 posts
Helper bee

I would take the new job.  It sounds like a respect-worthy offer that reflects well on you.  I’ve read your other threads and it seems you have a history of doing well in your field and fitting in quickly to new and challenging work environments so there’s no reason to hesitate on that score.  It will probably be an invigorating change that will expand your work and human/personality experience.  Staying at your current job on the other hand has two potential futures for you:. Continued working with your boyfriend (uncomfortable) or working with your ex should you break up (super uncomfortable!). So… neither destiny attached to staying is desirable.  As for the bonus?  Really…meh, who cares.  It sounds like you’re doing well enough for yourself.  Too often people measure up their life choices in dollars and cents instead of other more valuable aspects of the experience.  Don’t make that mistake.  You’ve got a very respectable and enticing job offer before you.  Take it!

Post # 15
345 posts
Helper bee

joanne1992 :  if you were coworkers I’d be all for staying, but that he’s your boss sucks. It makes equality in the relationship something that you constantly have to be aware of, and I think you’ll have a nicer time living together after doing your own job elsewhere. 

12k to me is a huge chunk of change but it sounds like you make a nice wage if that’s just a bonus. 1k/month for peace of mind in your first year living with your SO? Expensive but I’d go for it.

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