Post # 1
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
Hello, <br /><br />My FH was 19 when his father remarried the woman he’d been cheating on FMIL with. She’s not a very nice person and neither FH nor FSIL (especially) like her at all, partially because of what happened and partially because she’s a pretty negative person to be around (always sees the bad in everything). I have no problem with her either way and FH is pretty laid back and has forgiven his father, gotten closure, etc. That said, FFIL’s wife is not considered their stepmother, but their dad’s wife. And neither FH nor FSIL attended the wedding of their father to this woman. <br /><br />She’s coming to the wedding and the rehearsal dinner. I am giving gifts to attendants and parents during this dinner…do I need to get her something too? She does not email or call or write to either of us and has never said congratulations or anything–she’s not the type of person to do anything like that, though (as I mentioned, she’s pretty negative). <br /><br />I kind of don’t want to get her something as I don’t want to upset FMIL who was never repartnered and whom FFIL left for this woman. Plus she hasn’t even congratulated us on our engagement. My understanding was that gifts to parents were supposed to be “thank yous” either for their financial, emotional, or practical support during the wedding planning, or even just as a thank you for being our parents. We don’t have anything to thank her for, and all of our gifts are being presented with thank you cards.
Post # 2
Member
45534 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Cordellia: It never hurts to take the high road. I would give her token gift so you don’t appear to be the rude ones in front of your wedding party. I don’t think you necessarily need to thank her for anything, just attach a simple gift card that says To___ From___.
Post # 3
Member
2613 posts
Sugar bee
Cordellia: No, you don’t need to get her anything. As you said, this woman is not a parent or step-parent – she’s just the spouse of a parent. She’s obviously not interested in you or your husband. She is someone to be tolerated. You have nothing to gain by giving her a gift. I, personally, wouldn’t want to add insult to injury to the MIL.
Post # 5
Member
7871 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Cordellia: Have she and her husband contributed to the wedding financially?
Post # 6
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
aussiemum1248: Well, her husband did. We’re paying for most of the wedding, but FIL’s dad gave us a little bit (his wife is not the breadwinner), as did my parents.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Cordellia.
Post # 7
Member
1673 posts
Bumble bee
Cordellia: I voted no, but I think what I would do is get FIL a gift that could be for both of them together… Restaurant gift card or something for their house?
Post # 8
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
Fizzy8: Interesting idea, but already got gifts for the dads and want something sentimental. Gift cards kinda defeat that, although the houseware thing would have been good.
Post # 9
Member
2718 posts
Sugar bee
If I remember correctly you’d said that your FFIL and FMIL’s divorce was 12 years ago? If that is the case this woman, although considered by your FMIL and FH’s siblings as only his wife and not their stepmother IS a part of your new family. If your FMIl is still holding onto that grudge that is her problem but you will be slighting an in law connection. What I mean to say is you yourself will become an in-law (daughter in law, sister in law, etc) and your slighting her could be akin to someone from his family saying “well I don’t like Cordelila bc so and so said she was — and she’s just X’s wife…”
Also, whatever financial contribution came from your FFIL is also from her in a roundabout way since she IS his wife (sahw status notwithstanding).
Her negative attitude might have more to do with her political family’s refusal to accept her place in the family more than her actual personality… I say give her something of equal or slightly lesser value than you’d give your FMIL and gain an ally instead of making an enemy.
Post # 10
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
Soon2ElopeBee: The divorce was 20 years ago, actually! <br /><br />The negative attitude is actually just her personality…like she goes on a trip and only talks about the problems with the hotel, etc. not the white sand beaches, etc. I get along with her fine, but she’s negative, plain and simple. I’m almost worrying about her being negative about whatever we get her, if we do get her something. I don’t know…if I ask my FSIL she will say “definitely not”. Anyway, still time to decide.
Post # 11
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
I would go with what FH wants, and remember for everyone who says, oh dont hurt FH Dad’s wife feelings, they may also want to care about FMIL feelings.
Post # 12
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
Cordellia: You don’t “need” to give anyone a gift. With that said, it doesn’t take an etiquette genius to realize that giving a gift to every person at dinner BUT her would be a pretty obvious and deliberate snub. If you aren’t going to give a gift to everyone at the dinner, you need to give them in private at another time.
Post # 13
Member
3736 posts
Sugar bee
Cordellia: I would give her something small. A token. Think of it as a peace offering.
Post # 14
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
Cordellia: FFIL is married to her. His contribution is their contribution; it came from the marital pot, right? Anyway, I agree with the PP, take the high road. Can’t you just give the 2 of them a gift together? That’s what I would do.
Post # 15
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle
She did not give birth or have any part in your FH’s upbringing.. You are paying tribute to his parents not who they are with!
Sorry but i have NO toleration for cheaters and refuse my FFIL’s Whore to even be in the area of our wedding.. She destroyed my FMIL’s heart and broke their sons! He is only coming due to my FH wanting his father at his wedding.
but if you want to be nice give them a joint present..
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