Post # 1
I need some input re: my wedding date.
I’m in the early stages of planning my wedding. The venue we are interested in has availability on a date in June that appeals to us. It is convenient for most of our wedding party and happens to coincide with my mom’s birthday. Its also early enough where it shouldn’t be too muggy or hurricane season (we want an outside reception).
I was all ready to book the venue, when I learned a few days ago that my finances brother (who is in his wedding party) and his girlfriend are planning a trip abroad starting 2 days before the date. They haven’t booked anything yet but she says they’ve been planning the trip for a year. (It’s the first time I’m hearing of it, but his brother is not great at communication.)
The girlfriend has made it sound like they are not flexible about the vacation at all, and hope we pick a different date so they can come.
We have a few different options for the date, but none as appealing as the current plan.
What would you do? Would I be out of line to keep the date and still expect him to come, since they haven’t booked their travel yet? Or should we suck it up and change our plans?
Post # 2
If they’ve told you they have plans that date they have plans. Just because it’s not booked yet doesn’t make it any less valid. Nor does it mean you get to just book your date and expect them to bend to your will.
You have to decide what’s more important that date or them attending because they’ve already made it clear that they can’t attend if you choose that date.
Post # 3
I would book your date if you are really sold on it, but I absolutely wouldn’t expect someone else to change their plans either. For example I’m planning a vacation now that takes a lot of planning, and I’m pretty firm on the dates we are leaving based on other things going on in our lives. I wouldn’t change it now even though I haven’t booked anything yet as all I’m waiting on are flights to drop in price some. So that being said, you need to decide how much this date and venue mean to you vs members of family attending.
Post # 4
I don’t think it is out of line exactly but if they aren’t flexible and are not willing to come due to this just remember they have openly expressed it to you and gave you a chance so you can’t really expect them to come or be mad at that point since they were pretty clear.
Post # 5
lucyinsky : If I had a trip planned but not booked yet I would just adjust my dates, and leave the day after your wedding. It’s a little shocking to me that they want you to work around their dates when it would be easier for them to switch up their plans.
But regardless, I would probably change my plans unless it meant having to put off my wedding several months, leaving us with bad weather, or not being able to get the venue I wanted.
What’s your fiance think about this? I assume they are close since he’s in the wedding party.
Post # 6
What does your fiance want? It’s his brother and presumably his side of the wedding party affected. His opinion is the one with the most weight in this matter. If his brother is VIP can’t imagine getting married without him, then I would change. If they aren’t that close and being a groomsman is more out of obligation or it’s a “nice, but not required” kind of relationship, then keep the date.
Post # 7
Your fiancé needs to learn how to communicate with his brother. It’s not on you and the girlfriend to negotiate about this. Maybe the dates can be adjusted, and maybe they can’t, but more information needs to be exchanged before anyone makes a decision.
Post # 8
My initial reaction was also to be kind of stunned that they expected me to work around their vacation. They haven’t booked anything yet, and would just need to leave 2 days later. If it were me and a sibling getting married, there would be no question that I would just adjust my vacation plans.
Keep in mind, they are generally very busy and inflexible when it comes to family plans. In addition to these two weeks of vacation, they gave us several other blackout dates, so I feel like my planning has already centered around their plans. These two weeks are just coming up though, and remove three additional weekends out of play.
On the other hand, I know both me and my fiancé would be devastated if his brother couldn’t be there. I am just annoyed that it is us (as usual) who have to make changes to our plans to make that work.
Post # 9
I mean, that is just how life is and generally if someone is considered a VIP then you ask their availability because it is important to you they be there.
Unless you have more specific details you didn’t include, then maybe their vacation includes a tour group or festival on specific dates or they are working around projects at work or the leave schedules of their coworkers (I have family members who have to pick their leave dates 9 months in advance and friends who have blackout dates for their leave). There are lots of valid reasons for why their vacation can’t be as flexible as you would like, even if it isn’t booked yet.
That said, most often no single date works for everyone. You may have to pick and choose (say the only dates you have available, your mom or some other VIP isn’t). But at this stage with nothing booked and clear dates to work with, I would try to accommodate them.
Post # 10
Well if you could do a just week or two earlier I’d change, nuisance though it is to be subject to someone else’s plans .
If that’s not possible then I would insist my fiancé and his brother sort it out. As pps say, it ‘s up to them, not you and the gf.
Post # 11
To answer your question: Yes, you would be out of line to book the date and expect them to cancel a year’s worth of planning to attend an overpriced party. Sorry but I would be livid if someone made that assumption, reel yourself back in a little.
Post # 12
lucyinsky : “Would I be out of line to keep the date and still expect him to come, since they haven’t booked their travel yet?” — Yes, this would be out of line. You can certainly keep the date but they’ve told you they won’t be able to come so you can’t then expect them to come. You keep saying “they haven’t booked it yet” but you haven’t booked yours yet either. You both have your reasons and at least they are being upfront that they won’t be able to make it if you choose that date, rather than trying to make both work and deciding later that they can’t come.
Post # 13
You book the date, then if they can’t come you don’t make a fuss and just deal with it. It’s your finances sibling so he makes the final call on if he is ok with the date meaning his bro can’t come. Or you pick a different date.
That being said I’m a firm believer in doing what you need to do for you and which date works for you guys. They haven’t even booked their trip yet. 2 days won’t kill them. If I were you and given their selfish history, I would book whatever date I wanted and hope they make it but brace myself for a lifetime of them being selfish assholes.
Post # 14
Its pretty common to confirm your VIPs are available before booking a date. If you don’t care your SIL is not free, well then I guess go ahead and book…
Post # 15
In your update you mention that Brother-In-Law and SIL have a habit of expecting people to bend, and they’ve given you other dates that don’t work as well. At this point you should just select the date you want – if every VIP gave 4 or 5 weekends that won’t work, you’d never get married. They can leave 2 days later or skip the wedding 🤷🏻♀️