Post # 16
Even if they haven’t booked everything, they probably chose specific dates for a reason. They may have taken off work already. And depending where they’re going some airlines only fly once or twice a week between certain destinations so days count. I’d just move it if you want them to be there.
Post # 17
They sound rigid and inflexible. I can’t imagine not giving priority to a sibling’s wedding date over a not even booked yet vacation.
That said, is your wedding this spring or next?
Post # 18
What would annoy y’all more… changing the wedding date or not having them there? Unless there were no other options, I’d change the date of the wedding?
Post # 19
They may seem inflexible to you but they may have already taken the time off work or there could be a million other reasons why they need those weeks. You can certainly go ahead and book your wedding for a day you know they can’t attend but just don’t be upset or surprised when they don’t attend.
Post # 20
Since neither of you have booked the dates, I would have a follow up conversation about firm dates for their travel and include your Fiance and his brother so that everyone is on the same page. If they haven’t booked, it is possible that their dates may change.
Post # 21
You haven’t booked either so I don’t understand why you keep repeating that they haven’t booked.
I think you can book whatever date suits you however you don’t get to expect that people attend or get upset and demanding if they miss it when they have explicitly told you they can’t do that date.
Flights typically are only released 10-12 months in advance so this is probably why they haven’t booked it yet but if they have been planning for a year it doesn’t make their plan any less valid. There could be a reason that changing their vacation dates isn’t possible, an event on a certain date in the country they are visiting, flights only go once or twice a week to that destination, work deadlines etc. Have you asked them?
Post # 22
Have you sat down and had a conversation with them about this? Specifically why that is the best date for your wedding, why other dates don’t work as well. And then they can tell you their side, why they want so much to have their vacation starting on that date, possibly why delaying it or changing it doesn’t work for them, etc. Possibly they’ll hear your side, and say, “Okay, we understand, we can change our vacation plans to make your wedding.” OR they’ll say, “Sorry, for X reason we cannot change our vacation plans.” But at least you’ll get it all out in the open so you know how to proceed.
Personally, I would first try having a conversation so they could understand why that is the best date for you to have your wedding, and see if they will decide to change their vacation plans. However, if they absolutely cannot change their vacation plans (and they could have valid reasons), I would change my wedding date (considering you haven’t actually booked it yet) so that they could come. Not having my siblings or my FI’s siblings at our wedding would not be an option for me.
Post # 23
whitecollarbee : Providing a lot of dates doesn’t necessarily mean that they are selfish and inflexible – my job requires travel over quite a few weekends each year (~15). My brother asked our availability before he and his fiance booked their wedding date and I provided all of these dates to him. Of course I hoped they would pick a date that I was not traveling for work – I’m close to my brother and want to be there!
Having VIPs attend was really important to D.H. and I though; we moved our date a few weeks to accomodate one of my bridesmaid’s work obligations. OP, I would choose a different date if I were you, especially since you mention that your Fiance and his brother are close.
Post # 24
I agree with PP who are saying you need to talk to them first about these plans…. both theirs and yours. Maybe they can leave 2 days later and hadn’t been planning on it and didnt really *want* to. Maybe their plans aren’t as ridgid as it initially seems, and they can adjust to make it to the wedding AND go on their vacation. I’ve never been one to set vacation dates in stone until flights are purchased, so I personally don’t understand how it can be so rigid unless they are working with kid vacation time or work obligations. Or maybe they are completely tied to those dates at which point you can decide if you prefer your date to their presense, or you want to move the date so they can make it. Neither of you have deposits and bookings, so it’s still a good time to work things out and try to come to an good compromise.
Post # 25
This is your fiance’s brother. It is 100% his decision. If he doesn’t care whether his brother is there, then you’re fine and his brother and girlfriend won’t come. Simple. If your fiance, however, does care that his brother wouldn’t be there, then you HAVE to be okay with changing your date. Period.
Whether or not his brother and girlfriend are good at communication, force people to bend, etc is in no way part of the equation. They can be the biggest assholes in the world; in the end, if your fiance wants them there, then you have to change your date.
Post # 26
Although a trip is not paid for or booked, does not mean that it is not scheduled. Trips take a long time to plan and a number of variables are to be considered before booking. Between research for accommodations, transportation and activities – the planning process can require hours of work.
You can absolutely book your wedding day any day of the year – but, please do not expect others to cancel their plans to accommodate your date and do not be upset that they cannot attend.
Post # 27
Wait a second… So they provided you mulitple blackout dates and this trip wasn’t included in that list?? When did they provide the original blackout list? Was it within the last year?
If that’s the case, I’d call BS on the fact that they’ve been planning this trip for a year. Or these dates aren’t as inflexible as they’re letting on. Surely this dream vacation that they’ve been planning for the last year with such rigid dates would have been included on the blackout date list. How recently was this new trip brought up to you and your fiance?
Although their timeline/story is not lining up, if your fiance wants his brother at the wedding, there’s not much you can do besides 1) have a followup discussion with them about the wedding and trip, and then potentially 2) move your wedding date.
Post # 28
lucyinsky : “Would I be out of line to keep the date and still expect him to come, since they haven’t booked their travel yet?”
Yes this line of thinking is out of line. You can keep your date, but he’s not a child of yours, you don’t get to tell him what to do or give him expectations. They’ve told you that date doesn’t work for them, so if you want him there, pick a different one.
Post # 29
Thanks everyone for the feedback. To give more background- they consider their dates inflexible because the girlfriend has already taken time off and they are coordinating with another couple. My fiancé’s brother has not asked for time off yet, and nothing is booked. Their jobs are laid back and no issue there. They did provide us with additional blackout dates a few months ago and this was not included, but as I said, fiancés brother is bad at communication, so no surprise there.
We absolutely want his brother there (although I’m annoyed that as usual when dealing with them, we have to make concessions) so I will likely change my date. This will mean that our wedding will either be during muggy hurricane season so the reception will have to be indoors, or it will be several weeks earlier and I will need to cancel my already planned bachelorette party. Can’t say I’m not bitter but it is what it is.
Post # 30
You’re both being inflexible. But it sounds like they’ve actually made much more solid plans than you have – taken time off from work and coordinating with another couple. You haven’t booked anything. From an objective stand point it’s easier for you to change your plans than for them to change theirs.
If it’s important to have them there then pick a different date. You could also look for a different venue that has the weekend before open.