Post # 1
After getting a cost estimate from our venue and finalizing my guest list, I’ve concluded that I can’t afford to invite any coworkers. I’m fine with this because I’ve only been there 2 years, and while I love the people I work with, there are too many of them. For every one that I’d love to invite, there are 4 more I’d have to invite to avoid hurting feelings – and then they’re all married or in relationships, so double that! I don’t hang out with them outside of work (I’ve attended only 2 social events in the last 2 years), and I’ve never said or implied that one of them would be invited.
My only concern is that one of my coworkers has made a couple of comments. At one point, she said they’d have to throw me a shower soon (I said they didn’t need to). Another time, she said she had thought of a great wedding gift for me (I said she didn’t need to get me a gift). Now, when she said these things, I still thought I would have room for a few coworkers (and she’d have been the first one I’d invite), so i didn’t worry much. Now that all the math is done, though, I’m worried I might have left it open for her to assume she’d be invited.
Do I need to tell her next time I see her that I can’t afford to invite any coworkers, including her? Or do I only need to say something if she brings it up again (talking about buying me a gift)? Or do I not assume anything, and wait until she asks directly before saying anything?
I’ve twice had the experience of not being invited to a close friend’s wedding because of budget constraints, and I definitely appreciated the friend who had a member of the bridal party tell me over the one who just never spoke to me again because she was so embarrassed… but can I assume she’s expecting an invitation based on 2 comments? Does she consider me a close enough friend for that? Sadly, none of my bridal party know my coworkers, so I can’t get one of them to help…
Post # 2
ms_snugs: Ugh! It’s so hard! I had so many people invite themselves to my wedding. Usually, they’ll ask you if you have any plans made, yet. That was when I slipped in, “Yeah, I think I’m having a small, family-only wedding.” One time a coworker said that and another asked about it and I slipped it in, in front of the one who invited themselves. I don’t think people think about assuming they’re invited, just because they’re associated with you. A wedding costs A LOT of money (I didn’t realize this until I planned my own. $65-$200/person per plate??? WHAAAAT?).
Post # 3
FutureMrsKHBD: Smart! I will definitely say it’s “small” and “family and close friends only” next time someone asks – just not sure if I should bring it up with her now, or wait and see if she brings it up?
Post # 4
ms_snugs: I would wait until the next time the subject of your wedding comes up, then say “I wish I was going to be able to invite my co-workers , but we are limited in the number of people we can invite.” Using the word “co-workers” rather than saying “I can’t invite you” makes it less personal and less targeted.
Do not make excuses about budget, size of the room etc.- all you do is raise an opportunity for someone to problem solve for you.
Post # 5
I think it might be awkward to never bring it up to her and then you get married and show up at work the next week. I agree that you should let her know you don’t have it in your budget to invite coworkers or just say you are keeping it small and sticking to friends and family.
Post # 6
ms_snugs: I don’t think you need to say anything to be honest. Just because you’re getting married, everyone you’ve ever associated with or known can’t expect to be invited. I never told my coworkers that they weren’t invited to my wedding. They did throw me a small shower though but that is something they do for everyone that is getting married (even the guys). I didn’t think I needed to explain to them that they weren’t invited, and I think they were actually relieved to not have an “obligatory” wedding to go to. Don’t sweat it.
Post # 7
ms_snugs: Next time she brings it up (option 2). Say something like “sorry, but it has to be family and close friends only”.
As an aside, I think it is terribly inappropriate to get a bridal party member to “do the dirty work”. If a bride (or groom) needs to tell someone they’re not invited, they should do it themselves.
Post # 8
You may not need to worry about it. My coworkers knew that we were having an intimate family- only wedding, but they still wanted to throw a shower for me and buy us wedding gifts (I worked in a very gracious, awesome place!). They may know that they won’t be invited but are still wanting to do something for you.
Post # 9
I think it depends on your relationship with your coworker, but if it were me, I’d rather be told upfront than not know and assume.
I’ve had a ton of people that I’m not even friends with say “so am I invited to the wedding?” ugh, awkward pause.
Post # 10
ms_snugs: I’ve had this experience as well.
I have a co-worker who I am “work friends” with, who has invited herself. I have tried everything to dissuade her, to no advail so far. I do not discuss ANY details with her at all, and try and change the subject every time she brings it up. But there have been way too many times when she has downright told me she was coming, no matter what.
I told her it was super small – “That’s okay, you can make room for me.”
Told her we were only inviting people who had known us before we started dating – See above.
Told her it was just family – See above.
Told her it was destination (her husband doesn’t fly – She said she would drug her husband, ‘Bridesmaids’ style.
Told her it was just my SO and I eloping on a beach – She decided she would officiate, and started looking up getting ordained, no joke.
I went as far as saying that it was only going to be people my mother not only has met, but has decided to invite… so far, that’s the only one that’s thrown her off, a little. She has now decided she needs to meet my mother… but has been pushing a little less.
Post # 11
MangoSong : how did you end up resolving this? i’m having this problem now and i’m worried about the confrontation..
Post # 12
eliuuuu : Yes… and no. I realized there was going to be no way to dissuade her. So I don’t talk about ANYTHING to do with it. I change the subject every time she brings it up. She hasn’t really discussed it or brought it up. She doesn’t know the date, she doesn’t know any details. I keep everything off social media. So, was it resolved? Not exactly, because it was never addressed.
IF it ends up coming up… I’ll let you know how that goes.