(Closed) Do I need to tell my coworker she's not invited?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Do I need to tell my coworker she isn't invited?
    Yes, as soon as you can : (3 votes)
    12 %
    Only if she vaguely brings it up : (10 votes)
    40 %
    Only if she directly asks you : (12 votes)
    48 %
  • Post # 2
    712 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    ms_snugs:  Ugh! It’s so hard! I had so many people invite themselves to my wedding. Usually, they’ll ask you if you have any plans made, yet. That was when I slipped in, “Yeah, I think I’m having a small, family-only wedding.” One time a coworker said that and another asked about it and I slipped it in, in front of the one who invited themselves. I don’t think people think about assuming they’re invited, just because they’re associated with you. A wedding costs A LOT of money (I didn’t realize this until I planned my own. $65-$200/person per plate??? WHAAAAT?). 

    Post # 4
    47209 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    ms_snugs:  I would wait until the next time the subject of your wedding comes up, then say “I wish I was going to be able to invite my co-workers , but we are limited in the number of people we can invite.” Using the word “co-workers” rather than saying “I can’t invite you” makes it less personal and less targeted.

    Do not make excuses about budget, size of the room etc.- all you do is raise an opportunity for someone to problem solve for you.

    Post # 5
    188 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I think it might be awkward to never bring it up to her and then you get married and show up at work the next week. I agree that you should let her know you don’t have it in your budget to invite coworkers or just say you are keeping it small and sticking to friends and family.

    Post # 6
    270 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    ms_snugs:  I don’t think you need to say anything to be honest. Just because you’re getting married, everyone you’ve ever associated with or known can’t expect to be invited. I never told my coworkers that they weren’t invited to my wedding. They did throw me a small shower though but that is something they do for everyone that is getting married (even the guys). I didn’t think I needed to explain to them that they weren’t invited, and I think they were actually relieved to not have an “obligatory” wedding to go to. Don’t sweat it.

    Post # 7
    7642 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    ms_snugs:  Next time she brings it up (option 2). Say something like “sorry, but it has to be family and close friends only”.

    As an aside, I think it is terribly inappropriate to get a bridal party member to “do the dirty work”. If a bride (or groom) needs to tell someone they’re not invited, they should do it themselves.

    Post # 8
    2255 posts
    Buzzing bee

    You may not need to worry about it. My coworkers knew that we were having an intimate family- only wedding, but they still wanted to throw a shower for me and buy us wedding gifts (I worked in a very gracious, awesome place!). They may know that they won’t be invited but are still wanting to do something for you. 

    Post # 9
    774 posts
    Busy bee

    I think it depends on your relationship with your coworker, but if it were me, I’d rather be told upfront than not know and assume.

    I’ve had a ton of people that I’m not even friends with say “so am I invited to the wedding?” ugh, awkward pause. 

    Post # 10
    1341 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    ms_snugs:  I’ve had this experience as well.

    I have a co-worker who I am “work friends” with, who has invited herself. I have tried everything to dissuade her, to no advail so far. I do not discuss ANY details with her at all, and try and change the subject every time she brings it up. But there have been way too many times when she has downright told me she was coming, no matter what.

    I told her it was super small – “That’s okay, you can make room for me.”

    Told her we were only inviting people who had known us before we started dating – See above.

    Told her it was just family – See above.

    Told her it was destination (her husband doesn’t fly – She said she would drug her husband, ‘Bridesmaids’ style.

    Told her it was just my SO and I eloping on a beach – She decided she would officiate, and started looking up getting ordained, no joke.

    I went as far as saying that it was only going to be people my mother not only has met, but has decided to invite… so far, that’s the only one that’s thrown her off, a little.  She has now decided she needs to meet my mother… but has been pushing a little less.

    Post # 11
    161 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    MangoSong :  how did you end up resolving this? i’m having this problem now and i’m worried about the confrontation..

    Post # 12
    1341 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    eliuuuu :  Yes… and no. I realized there was going to be no way to dissuade her. So I don’t talk about ANYTHING to do with it. I change the subject every time she brings it up. She hasn’t really discussed it or brought it up. She doesn’t know the date, she doesn’t know any details. I keep everything off social media. So, was it resolved? Not exactly, because it was never addressed. 

    IF it ends up coming up… I’ll let you know how that goes. 

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