Post # 1
OK so FI’s mom has this boyfriend we have never met. They have been together since we started dating five years ago. The reason we have never met him is because he has been in jail the whole time, he just got out a few months ago.
He went to jail for mowing the lawn drunk, or so that’s what we have been told. I am sure there is more to the story. Even with DUI’s you don’t go to jail for that long unless you have had repeated offenses and/or seriously injured or killed someone. ~This I know because of a few family members and friends who have been through this~
So we know he is a drunk but have never met this man. Needless to say I feel really uncomfortable inviting this man to our wedding (as do my parents). However Fiance says we have to invite him. It’s like inviting a stranger who may or may not get drunk and do something crazy.
Am I overreacting? Or am I valid in my fear and being uncomfortable?
A side note the only people Fiance has chosen to invite from his family is his mom, dad, sister, and brother. The only one he wants to invite and doesn’t feel obligated to invite is his brother. His family are loud, rude, and abrasive people. They tend to make big scenes and fight a lot. So knowing both of his parents personalities doesn’t really help this fear I have.
Post # 3
That’s tough one. I know if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t want to invite a man like him either. However, I would greatly have to consider my FI’s wishes. If he really truly feels that he has to invite this person I would feel the obligation to do so. I mean 5 years is a long time.
Post # 4
Hmm. How big is your wedding? Could you have a dry wedding to avoid extra drama? Or if it’s bigger could you seat them on opposite sides of the venue? I agree that he did NOT go to jail for mowing the lawn while drinking. NO way!!
Post # 5
We are planning on having 100-120 guest. This boyfriend is the only problem invited to the wedding. The few family members and friends I mentioned are NOT invited (for a variety of reasons). My family loves to drink a little and have a good time at weddings. I have been to a few dry weddings and everyone left after the bridal dances which was around 8-9pm. I was shocked because our family weddings generally go past midnight.
I could always talk to the bartenders about cutting him off at a certain point and not letting him have too many drinks too close together.
I don’t know. I feel like it’s a must because Fiance thinks it’s a must. He doesn’t want to upset his mom by not inviting him. Although she would probably bring him even if his name wasn’t on the invite.
Post # 6
I would definately talk to the bartenders. If he is still an alcoholic, he may sneak in his own alcohol (this is what one guest did at my sister’s wedding), so talk to your coordinator and let them know to be on the lookout, too.
Post # 7
Fiance tells me the reason we HAVE to invite him is out of courtesy. Also because we are allowing other people to bring guest. Well we know these “guests”!! I am just really frustrated with the FIL’s and this just tops the cake. I just feel like we don’t have a reason to be courtesy to her and allow her to bring him. His dad isn’t bringing a guest. ~Sorry this is going to be long, just need to vent a little~
Both his parent couldn’t care less about the wedding. Especially since they are all wrapped up in his sisters divorce. His mom and my mom meet a few weeks after we were engaged she greeted my mom with “I don’t want anything to do with the wedding. Just tell me the date, time, and location.” It needs to be noted that the engagement/wedding was not mentioned at all. She offered this information up on her own. Both my parents were stunned by this comment.
His dad is really irritated that he has to get dressed up. He was saying he’ll have to figure out how to save to rent a suit. Fiance basically forced him to listen to the wedding date and basic details in March (our wedding is in April 2011). Fiance explained he had over a year to figure it out but he still seemed put out that he had to dress up and take time out of his busy schedule to come to our wedding.
Both of his parents behavior through the wedding process so far has really hurt FI’s feelings. His parents only call when they need money and it hit Fiance hard just recently. He decided that they will only be recieving an invitation like all the other guest and nothing more.
I just think it’s not necessary to invite him. We have time to think it over but it’s hard. The thought of the possible situation and not knowing his man very well is giving me mild anixety attacks.
Post # 8
you have to invite him in my opinion. why does him being in jail matter a boyfriend of 5 years is a boyfriend of 5 years.
Post # 9
yeah you have to invite him. i think the vast majority of people have that a-hole they have no choice but to invite (i have several). just tell the bartender and a coordinator (if you have one) that he is to be watched very carefully so no drama goes on. let the people you are paying money to deal with him so you don’t have to.
sorry about your Future In-Laws by the way. that’s a crappy situation.
Post # 10
It matters because I don’t know him, he is an alcoholic, and we weren’t told the whole reason on why he was in jail. I find it very alarming seeing as both his parents have been involved with some really shady people (friends & significant others).
You wouldn’t be concerned at all? Imagine a drunk stranger at your wedding, you have no idea how they behave.
Maybe I am making a bigger deal about it than necessary but for some reason in the pit of my stomache I feel like it is not a good idea.
Post # 11
@coffeekitty.. him being in jail matters because it says quite a bit about the type of person he is. You don’t go to jail for 5 years for being drunk in public, so he clearly did something that the Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t want her son and FDIL to know about. Whatever it is, it isn’t good. I wouldn’t want an ex-con at my wedding either.
@Engaged.. you are absolutely right to be concerned. I would invite him to please my fiance. BUT.. I would make it clear to my fiance, my Future Mother-In-Law, and the Boyfriend or Best Friend that if he does one tiny thing that is inappropriate or out of line he will be asked to leave immediately.
Post # 12
You have to invite him. Not inviting him will make you the bad guy in the eyes of both Fiance and your family. Give him a chance. Whatever he did to go to jail for that long, he could be rehabilitated by now. Like others have said, just make sure the bartenders are concious that he could potentially be a problem and leave it at that.
If he messes up, you will be able to overrule your Future Mother-In-Law in the future when she wants to invite him to events.
Post # 13
I understand your concern – I’d be concerned too – but that doesn’t mean that you can not invite him. He’s been dating your Future Mother-In-Law for 5 years! That’s apparently as long as you and your Fiance have been dating too. You really can’t get away with not inviting someone’s significant other of 5 years – even if you dont know the SO. Especially when that person is your Future Mother-In-Law.
Change the situation a little bit. Say you have a grown cousin (out of college, living on own, etc) who you are inviting. If they were dating someone who they’d been seeing for 5 years, you’d give them a guest, wouldn’t you? Even if this SO hadn’t been able to attend other family events for one reason or another so you’d never personally met them?
Just because you don’t necessarily approve of your FMIL’s choice in men, you still have to invite him.
Post # 14
Honestly you are 11 months away. SO much could change that while this would cross my mind, I wouldn’t be giving it much more thought. He was recently let out so there is the chance that while they made it through LDR, they don’t mesh well outside of that scenario.
Post # 15
I think that you should wait and see how things go. You might find out he is totally rehabilitated and will be totally fine. Or, you could find out he is an alcoholic and gets very violent. In that case, he’ll probably be back in jail by the time your wedding rolls around anyway.
As things stand now, I think you have to invite him. All you have is speculation. And, even if he is drunk and annoying, poor, or doesn’t dress appropriately he is still your FMIL’s long-term partner and I think that is important.
I know how you feel though. A very close relative of mine has been dating a guy on and off for 7 or 8 years and I am scared that he will act up. He’s been known to do this and has been arrested at parties before.
Post # 16
I’m a little surprised by how many people say you have to invite him because they have been together for five years. If one of the people in the relationship has been in jail the whole time… that’s not really much of a relationship. Not one I would have the same regard for as a couple who have actually shared their lives for 5 years. I do think you have to invite him.. but only because your Fiance says so and it’s his wedding too. If you fiance changes his tune, I would have no problem with you not inviting the Boyfriend or Best Friend.