(Closed) Do I register? Did this all out of order!

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Do I register?
    Yes! You never got anything for your wedding, this is it! : (44 votes)
    54 %
    No! You're already married, it's tacky! : (7 votes)
    9 %
    Leave it out and let people give if they want to. : (27 votes)
    33 %
    Honeymoon Registry all the way! : (3 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @ArmyWifey8.23:  I would do a small registry and have friends/family spread the word that you would prefer cash. I would not do a honeymoon registry, but thats just me. If there isn’t much on the registry people will be more inclined to give cash. But add to the registry if gets low.

    ETA: And I would definitely not include anything on the invitations stating you would prefer cash.

    Post # 4
    Member
    359 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I agree with the pp, do a small registry and have the word spead, that’s what my Fiance and I are doing. We’ll still have a registry but it won’t be huge since I have owned a home for years and have everything I need. And of course you are entitled to gifts! I would have no problem buying you a gift!

    Post # 5
    Member
    3265 posts
    Sugar bee

    No. You are already married you don’t get to go back after the fact and do a do-over.

    Life is about choices and all choices have consequences. You chose to get married quickly in a private ceremony (which I understand) the consequence of that is that you didn’t have the big white wedding, with all the trimmings.

    If anyone had been so inclined to give you a gift they would have/will. You don’t need a registry for that.

    Retroactive registering is having your cake and eating it too.

    There is no polite way to tell someone “give me cash”. Everyone likes cash. No one refuses a cash gift, so no need to tell people you will accept. And really you will accept whatever anyone chooses to gift you ๐Ÿ˜‰

    If Fiance says his side won’t like/embrace a Honeymoon registry, then it seems that would be a bad idea for you guys.

    Post # 6
    Member
    5096 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    @andielovesj:  I strongly disagree about the registry. As a guest at this wedding, knowing the circumstances, I would be happy to give a gift, and I would never be offended that they have a registry.

    I do agree about cash, though. No polite way to ask for that.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    @andielovesj:  +1. OP: It’s great that you want to have a party to celebrate your marriage, but that doesn’t mean you’re “entitled” to a registry. Create a small registry (> 50 items) and only mention it if people directly ask about a registry. Before you’re vow renewal, come to terms with the fact that you probably won’t receive the same quantity and quality of gifts as you would at a wedding.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2712 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @andielovesj:  @msfahrenheit:  I agree with both of you.  OP, it’s perfectly fine to have a celebration of your marriage with a party and vow renewal (congrats on your marriage btw!).  However, I don’t think your necessarily “entitled” to gifts, since you’re already married and had a wedding.  But, odds are people are going to want to give you something anyway so I do think you should create a registry.  I would keep it simple – register at one store, and keep it less than 50ish.  You don’t need a large one because you shouldn’t be having any pre-wedding parties.  I would only give out registry info if asked.  It is never okay to ask for money – it is considered rude and tacky.  Everyone knows money is welcome and don’t need to be told so.  Also, please don’t do a Honeymoon registry – they may be becoming more common, but many people still find them in poor taste (myself included).  And if your Fiance and his family don’t like them then it is a bad idea to have one.

    Post # 9
    Member
    500 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    No one is “entitled” to a registry, married already or not. But it is a helpful thing to have so that those who do want to give you a gift know what items would be the most useful to you. If i were invited to your reception I wouldn’t be treating it any differently than an actual wedding, and I would just search for your registry online or ask you where it was.

    You shouldn’t directly ask for money, but if you tell a few family members that you prefer monetary gifts then hopefully people will find out by word of mouth. Definitely don’t do the honeymoon registry if you think your husband’s family won’t like it- it’s all about what’s common and accepted in your circles.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1269 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I don’t think you should advertise a registry but it can be helpful to people who want to give a gift and don’t know what to get, so having one ready if people ask I think is a good thing. From what I’ve seen here most people have card boxes and expect them at weddings, so cash is always an option, if your nearest and dearest know you guys really need cash then if people as them they can let them know but I wouldn’t ask directly.

    I don’t think it’s fair to say you should be penalized for getting married privately before he was deployed (consequences to your choices? really? that’s pretty harsh), you’re still hosting and celebrating with your family, people get married legally for this reason and for things like immigration or any other extremely valid personal reason and have the family wedding/reception/vow renewal later.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2893 posts
    Sugar bee

    It’s fine. We did the same thing. Engaged one month, married the next for administrative/military reasons. TONS of military couples do this. It’s not out of the norm. But we, with our families, decided to treat the big wedding down the road as our wedding since the courthouse one was very administratively based (we’re not even wearing rings till after the big one). 

    Yes, word choice isn’t perfect. No one is “entitled.” But having a registry is fine. It’s not like you were married before, had the big white wedding that ended and you’re on wedding #2 and asking for a registry. This will be your first big white wedding and the 1st was driven purely out of administrative needs. Not like anyone got to celebrate with you. And if your family is anything like ours, they’d like to celebrate, and they want a registry to help them. 

    Agreeing with the others about the money – no good way to ask. Just make a small registry. People usually get the hint.

    But congrats! ๐Ÿ™‚ Try not to overthink it too much. Just treat it as your first and things will become much easier.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2893 posts
    Sugar bee

    And really, saying that because you had to do a quickie in the courthouse means you’ve forfeited all rights to create registries is like saying because your birthday fell on a Monday, you had a cake, but would like to celebrate on Saturday because that’s when your friends are available means you’ve forfeited gifts. Really? You can’t register because of an administrative “timing” issue? I have to disagree on that one. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    3175 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    As a guest, I would honestly be bothered if I saw your registry advertized anywhere. I don’t really think there’s anything inherently wrong in this situation with having a registry, because, out of 200 guests, there are bound to be a few who are going to ask you to provide one. However, I think a large group of your guests would be offended by a registry, so I wouldn’t make it known unless asked. In other words, register for what you need, then only give the registry info to those who ask you (or a family member) directly. That way, you don’t risk offending.

    As for a money or honeymoon registry, sorry, I just don’t like those in general, and I think in this case it will come off even more inappropriate. If you don’t advertize a registry, my guess is that the majority of your guests will give you money, anyway, so I wouldn’t solicit it. 

    ETA: FWIW, as a guest, I would give you cash (same as I would if it were your original wedding reception). 

    Post # 14
    Member
    13014 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think you could register and no one would think twice about it.  But asking for cash is a no-no; if you want cash, you spead that via word of mouth (through parents) and have a small registry.  If your fiance says no to asking for cash and says his family wouldn’t be comfortable with it, that should be the end of the discussion.

    Post # 15
    Member
    500 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    @claireos:  Agree! I don’t see why someone should be judged or penalized for not being able to [afford/organize/have time for/what have you] a wedding AND a big fabulous party to celebrate the wedding on the SAME day

    I think claireos had good advice, just treat it as though it is a regular wedding and follow the same etiquette/tradition/etc that you would have otherwise.

     

    ETA: And zagora too ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 16
    Member
    686 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Question 1) Yes, go ahead and register!

    Question 2) Just as if you were engaged and planning your wedding, the same etiquette still applies.  No mentioning the registry on the invitation, no asking for cash.

    The topic ‘Do I register? Did this all out of order!’ is closed to new replies.

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