Post # 16
Yeah there is no need at all to tell her. She’s dealing with enough right now.
I also have to agree that the victim mentality isn’t very becoming….you knew he was married. Maybe that’s harsh….but I’ve had a husband before who decided to cheat and it’s not something I take lightly.
Post # 18
Don’t tell her. There just isn’t any need to. If you feel you need to get it off your chest in order to move on, see a therapist.
I think you already know you were not innocent in all this… I can tell just by reading this that you feel guilty. Part of feeling guilty is trying to rationalize what you did to make it not seem as bad as it was (not to say that he wasn’t in the wrong at all). Once again, I’d say see a therapist.
I definitely think this guy should NOT be involved in the church as a leader of any kind. Telling his superiors about this might be a good idea.
Post # 19
Doesn’t anyone think that the wife has a RIGHT to know how long this has been going on? Realistically speaking, in the time that her husband has been doing this to her, Lord only knows what diseases he could have brought back to her. Are you saying that she shouldn’t know how far back this goes, for her own, personal health?
Post # 20
Hes already confessed to his wife that he cheated on her for 2 years. Hearing from one of the ladies is not going to bring her any comfort, only pain.
And to the OP, I have to agree with the others. You were old enough to know what you were doing. You made that choice.
Post # 21
@FlutterbyBee: Health wise, she would have gotten tested for STIs after finding out he cheated, hopefully. How many years it’s been going on isn’t relevent, as long as she got tested now.
Emotionally wise, I don’t think I would care to know how long it’s been going on if I found out my spouse had been cheating. “Years” is enough info if you ask me. Knowing details just makes it more traumatizing… I would be horrified if some women came to my door and told me she was one of the people my husband slept with.
Post # 22
You were 20 years old – you weren’t a child anymore. He may have been manipulative, but you knew what you were doing and you also knew he was married.
Telling her won’t make you look any better in the situation. Why would you tell her now, 5 years later? Why rub salt in her wounds? Let it go and chalk it up to experience.
Post # 24
I am going to go against the grain here.
I say tell her.
Second, the OP has taken responsability to a point for her actions no one needs to beat her over the head about this, however the man was in a position of power and she had been around this person for a while, it wasn’t just spontanious contact at 20 years old. Having been the victim of someone like this minister, I can tell you it doesn’t matter if you are 17, 20, or 30 when someone is in a position of authority with someone who is vulnerable on an emotional level, especially when that person has a cult of personality built up around them you can do some pretty dumb things to appease that person and for them to stay your “friend”.
What this minister did is psycological abuse and abuse of his postition. The church authorities need to know about the situation.
Post # 25
@mrsjesse: Totally agree!! The church needs to know!!
Post # 26
@DeathByDesign: Exacty. I assume most women get tested on yearly basis, so anything that should have come up would be evident by now. Her telling the wife has nothing to do about a public service or good will. I has to do with the posters own guilt plain simple.
Post # 27
If the slag who slept with my Ex-FI had approached me, there would have been legal consequences on my end. If you don’t want what’s likely coming from her (and if your relationship ruined her marriage, it is probable), then I suggest you steer clear.
Post # 28
Thank you everyone for their responses. I do want to clarify a couple of points.
1. It was always my intention to not say anything to her. I just wanted to make sure others agreed. I know the harm I’ve caused, I don’t want to make the situation worse.
2. Yes, as I already stated, I wasn’t innocent. I made a choice, and I regret that choice. But it wasn’t a choice I would have made if I was a) in a healthy state of mind b) if it was anyone other than him. Nonetheless, I’ve dealt with the consequences of my actions (and they required a lot of assistance to deal with).
3. He has since renounced being a Christian … so, he is no longer involved with any church, and hopefully he won’t ever be in a position of leadership or mentorship again
Post # 29
Okay, let’s look at it from this angle. What if there are others out there who – like OP – were taken advantage of? If OP approaching the wife led to a series of events that could help others out, would you still feel the same way?