Post # 1
Please go easy on me bees,
I have been having a difficult time in my relationship, pretty much the entire time until now 10 months into my marriage. My husband has a history of alcoholism, he had relapses while we were dating, one time he also cheated on me, flew to see an ex-gf and even gave her money. The other women is how I found out about it. He convinced me they were just old friends and he was turning to her for help because he thought I was going to break up with him. Even though it was an ex who still wanted to be with him and was always jealous towards our relationship…..I helped him get into counseling and he was sober for over two years now or so I thought. Fast forward several other problems and me getting very sick since my enagement (which I now believe is stress related). He makes more money than me but has not paid for any of our household bills or our vacation that we went on. He wouldn’t explain where his money was going, said he was saving to contribute for us to buy a house. We have looked at over 25 houses because he had been lying to me the entire time about how much money he has saved and would always move away from the topic when I suggest we combine accounts. I found out in couselng that he has taken out several personal loans since we got married, he says it was cause he was trying to met expectation he thoughout I had……though he does really pay for anything and it doesn’t explain where his regular salary is going either. Besides he told me I was crazy for months and always get super angry anytime I wanted to discuss finances. I also found out he lied about when he quit going to therapy and lied about still taking his antidepressants, he even lied about it again infront of our marriage counselor tries to say he told me something differnt. Then he started drinking again recently, he also started being really creepy sexually always watching me and touching himself telling me about it. Even when I ask him to close the door he’ll watch me in the bathroom. I started getting apnic attacks and eventually asked him to leave the home, we are now taking a 2 week break without restrictions so we can gain perspective. He started not sleeping at night not letting me sleep, waking me up at night crying and then telling me I’m insensitive because I didn’t want to talk then. he tells me over and over again how selfish I am for wanting to leave him….. now he says he’s straightening up going to start taking responsibility, that he is sorry, and wants to fix our relationship…… few days into us not talking I see an ex-gf of his pop on the people you may know(which means she was prob looking at mine), I click and I see he re-friended her and another girl he defriended 2 years ago. This ex-gf he told me was a bit of a partier and he use to drink heavily when he was with her……to me if seems like he isn’t making an efforts to change. There is more to this story but it’s exhausting and I can’t even get to the bottom of his lies…..or even if I want to. I’ve known him since we were teenagers, now for 15 years. We have been together less than 3, I guess I should have known what he was capable of but when we got together he convinced me he had grown up. He has done a lot of nice things for me and trys to tend to things around the house…..but now in light of all these things I’ve found out I feel that there is no trust or respect in the relationship…… My sister thinks he misrepresented himself to me and tried to pretend he was something else especially since he’s known me for so long…..I’m thinking that too…… Are these problems soemthing to be expected in a marriage and something I should work through or is this a systemic pattern of a bad romance?
Post # 3
Run. Change all your passwords, lock down your finances. From what you’ve described, there’s nothing to salvage in this relationship.
Post # 4
I read the whole post and could not come up with ONE reason to stay though I came up with a million to leave. Pack your stuff and gtfo, now.
Post # 5
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Change your passwords, locks, etc. He’s not making an effort to change and won’t ever try to.
I suggest you run and don’t look back. You deserve much better.
Post # 6
You go, take everything that’s yours that you can before this two weeks ‘break’ is up and file for divorce. This is no way to live and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER!
Post # 7
Agreed, you deserve better than this toxic relationship. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but just be thankful kids aren’t involved. Leave before they are.
Post # 8
What possible reason do you have to stay???
Post # 9
Okay, in all honesty, the first thing that started in my head was the song, and the lyrics, “This indecision’s killing me…”
However, reading the OP, there should be no indecision. This man is a hot mess. I cannot see a single reason why you would stay. Please, get yourself free of this awful situation ASAP.
Post # 10
I can’t believe you’re asking the stay or go question.
Marrying this guy was obviously a colossal fuck-up. Don’t even think of trying to save the marriage, it’s been broken for a long time, and you cant reason with an active alcoholic. Just get out.
Post # 11
He is not your responsibility. You’re not selfish for taking care of yourself.
I wonder if there might be some codependency at play here, not necessarily because you’re with someone who’s dependent on alcohol, but because you’ve stayed so long in a relationship that appears to have you doing all the work, emotional and otherwise, and that appears to require you to accommodate him at every turn. It sounds similar to a relationship I was in for a very long time, and when I started learning about codependency, so much started making sense to me. I’m not saying you’re codependent; I don’t presume to think I know that from what you’ve said. I want to put it out there, though, in case it resonates with you.
Post # 12
No, these are not problems to be expected with marriage.
He has shown you time and again that he has no interest in changing. Taking him back will allow him to have his cake (marriage) and eat it (drinking, cheating, squandering money).
Please remember that just because someone is your first love, does not mean they are your only love. Move on and start living a life free of BS.
Post # 13
silver714 : All I thought when reading this was… wow! Even more so when I saw that you guys have only been together 3 years, that’s a lot of shite to happen in that amount of time.
The best advice I think anybody could give you is leave right now. And no, these are not regular marriage problems. Where is the positive in this relationship with him? He lies, drinks, cheats and sounds manipulative as hell. He wants it all his way and he is gaslighting you into thinking things are how they are because of you, when it so isn’t. I am also wondering where is all his salary going, why the hell isnt he contributing!? And all the things with his exes. He is as dodgy as hell!
Run, run away from this as far as you can. Think staying with him would only cause you misery.
Post # 15
The red flags are so plentiful that I’m 90% convinced this is a troll post. If this is real, LEAVE HIM.