Post # 1
I’m in a 3 year relationship, but not engaged and with no plans to be engaged for at least a couple of years (we are 23 and 24). We are serious enough that we talk about marriage and I have been planning to move into his house in August.
I’m graduating from grad school in June. I have recently stumbled across a fantastic oppurtunity that would really help my career. It is a fellowship and if I were to get it, I would have to move out of state for one year.
I am going to apply, but I’m torn on when I should tell my SO. The fellowship is very competetive and while I have some good things to offer, the chances that I would get it are low. Additionally, I haven’t even decided if I would be able to move out of state–it’s something I can’t really know unless this chance feels more “real.”
There are two rounds of interviews. I was thinking of waiting to see if I even get into the first round before I tell my SO. I don’t usually keep things from him, but I also don’t want to worry him unless there’s a chance it could happen. Additionally, I’d know about the first interview by mid-Februrary, so if I told him then and then somehow got it, it would give us a lot of time to process the whole thing before I’d have to move (July).
So, Bees, what do you think? Should I tell him now? Or should I wait to see if I get an interview?
Post # 3
IMO, tell him now. Secrets never end well. Pesonally, I’d be a little miffed if my SO applied for an out-of-state fellowship without telling me. You have to trust that he wants the best for you so he will support you.
Good luck with the fellowship! And telling your boyfriend!
Post # 4
I would wait to see if you get a interview request first. This makes the most sense to me because he probably won’t understand why you want to talk about it so early in the game otherwise. When I graduated I asked my Boyfriend or Best Friend some hypothetical questions about ‘What if…’ and he did not see the point without something. It’s just they way guys think. (total opposite of women lol)
Post # 5
If it were me, I would tell him now, that way there are no surprises later or questions about why your application to the fellowship wasn’t made known earlier. Darling Husband and I always communicate openly about what’s going on in our lives and always have, even back before we were engaged. I applied to pre-doc internships all over the United States before we were married, and Darling Husband was always very supportive, but we always discussed my applications before they went out. I never asked him for permission or anything, but I kept him “in the know” and he appreciated that. You know your relationship better than we do, so please do what’s best for you and your SO, but if it were me, I would have an open discussion about where I plan to apply.
Post # 6
You should tell him now. Secrets have no place in a relationship, especially one that is contemplating marriage and cohabitation, IMO.
Post # 7
@Mrs.DBee: Agree 100%
If you’re serious enough to talk about marriage then you should be to the point that major decisions are made together.
I’d talk about it ASAP and don’t be surprised if he gets upset or is hurt/doesn’t react well about you having not talked to him about it BEFORE applying.
Hope it all goes well =)
ETA: talking about it and making the decision together is not about you asking “permission” it’s about a mutual respect that the decision would have an effect on both of your lives so both parties should be well aware of it before it happens. =)
Oh I just saw you haven’t applied yet… okay I’d just be sure to talk it through before doing so so that he knows what could happen in the future for both you and him if you did get accepted =)
Post # 8
I would probably tell him in a casual manner, just so he doesn’t feel like you have been hiding things, but not so that it requires intense discussion at this early stage. I would just mention that you saw this great opportunity and you are going to apply even though it’s a long shot, etc.
I have to disagree that you should be making your major decisions with him even before you are engaged, though. Especially when you are so young and just starting out in your career – early opportunities can really be definitive.
Post # 9
Thank you everyone for the responses. I’m glad I posted here prior to applying. I’m going to tell him…while there’s a part of me that really doesn’t want to make a fuss over something that has a slim chance of happening, I realize it’s important to him to know that I’m contemplating such a big change.
Post # 10
I agree with just mentioning it casually– since you’re graduating, it’s pretty much assumed everything is up in the air a little bit. Say you found this really cool, but competitive, fellowship and you’re just going to send an application in to see what happens.
I’m graduating from grad school in May and have been sending out PhD applications– I’ve told my SO about all of them, but he knows it’s all up in the air until springtime when I get decision letters.