Do I tell him I want a divorce?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
6605 posts
Bee Keeper

Go talk to a lawyer already. They will advise you of the best next steps.

Post # 3
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

willowtree85 :  First step is talking to a lawyer. 

Post # 4
2254 posts
Buzzing bee

Line things up before you tell him or have the papers served.

If he knows what you’re doing, he can stop you or throw a wrench into the works.

Post # 5
9684 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Talk to a lawyer first.

Post # 6
2236 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Agree, talk to a lawyer. DO NOT tell him you want a divorce. He can hide more money or funnel his paycheck a different way. Tell him you want to work on your marriage and wait until he lets his guard down.

Do you have a credit card? A lot of law firms will take the retainer from a credit card if you don’t have $3-5K in cash. And they will work out payment plans with you as you go. I know going into debt for this sounds scary, but it’s an investment in your future, and you want to make sure you’re protected.


Oh, and I said this in your previous post, BUT DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. Seriously. In four different states, I’ve heard this advice.


I know it’s tempting to leave and living with someone you have served divorce papers to sounds like a nightmare, but every divorce attorney I know (and I knew quite a few), have said this, unless of course you have reason to believe your partner will try and hurt you. In that case a protective order should be filed (an attorney once explained to me this is only if the situation is pretty dire; the court is naturally suspicious of anyone who files this in conjunction with a divorce, as quite a few people are not above filing false charges to secure a more advantageous outcome for themselves).


Leaving the house could impact your divorce settlement, your custody arrangement, etc. It is not advised.

Post # 7
47189 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Do you have any money in your own name? If not, do you have access to money? How do you buy groceries? If you use a credit or debit card, start adding a few dollars extra on each bill and open your own account. It will build up and at least give you a small amount.

Post # 8
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Get all you ducks in a row first.  Open a credit card and a bank account in just your name.  See a lawyer and do not leave your house but arrange where you’ll stay in the interim. Any way you can skim money do it.  On my target debit card I can get cash back and it just gets added to my target receipt.  Do what you can to stash money. Move personal belongings a little at a time, especially valuables to an offsite location.  I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you’ll be happier in the end.

Post # 9
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Definitely do not leave the house until your lawyer says that it is ok to. It could be considered abandonment of the family home, resulting in you losing any claim to it. I agree with everything people have said- do not show your hand until you are ready to play your cards! The less he knows about your plans, the better

Post # 10
6169 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Definitely a lawyer. And don’t tell him a damn thing until you have your plan in place. Don’t tell anyone else who has a big mouth, either. Just move forward on your plans. He will know soon enough.

Post # 11
139 posts
Blushing bee

I was a stay at home mom with no job, etc. 

I had to plan it out.  I talked to a lawyer. I opened a bank account in my name only and then signed up for a credit card in my name only as well.  I would hide a few dollars here and there because my ex didn’t pay attention since he was drunk half the time.

I took my time.  Honeslty, it took me 2 years to leave.  He got a DUI and that set ups back and he made promises to change, blah blah blah and we had a kid together so I stayed longer than I should have.

Anyway, talk to a lawyer.  Most do free consultations.  Know your rights.  Have them calculate child supoprt and alimony for you.  Hugs.  I know you’re in a tough place but patience is key.  I found that by planning my ‘out’ I got stronger and more confident in who I was because I was taking control of my own life.  You might feel the same.  I also suggest counseling, if you can make that happen and confide in trusted friends when you need to vent or talk through some things.

Post # 12
754 posts
Busy bee


You DEFINITELY need a solid plan and talk with a good lawyer before he even can smell trouble. I didn’t do it this way. I was being amicable and ‘nice’ and it BLEW UP IN MY FACE!

Don’t do what I did. 

I know it’s VERY HARD to pretend that everything’s okay when it’s not and sometimes emotions get the best of you. But TRY YOUR BEST because you want things to go YOUR WAY, not some f**ked up way as it did for me. I wish I had the chance to leave my ex-hole all over again and I would be so much more smarter in the way I did things. I lost everything trying to be upfront/honest/nice/[whatever adjective you want to use].

NOT WORTH IT. Especially when kids involved. You need to keep custody and look after them!

Post # 13
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I vote lawyer and ducks.  Just get everything ready and take care of yourself and kids

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