Post # 1
Hey guys, regular poster going anon for this one because of sensitive information. I’ll try to make this brief.
First off I should explain that my husband and I have somewhat of an open marriage. It’s a very occasional thing. We go months without any other partners but each other, but if there is someone that we would like to have sex with and everything else is going ok (no big fights going on etc.) then we’re fine with it. There are some rules we have to respect as well, but this isn’t really the point. I just want to clarify that I haven’t cheated on MY husband.
My dilemma is with a man that I dated briefly before I met my husband. He and I never got serious but we really enjoyed each other sexually. He travels A LOT for his job, like, he’s always on a business trip. So over the years when he’s come through my town, we would meet up and have sex. (Again, my husband is A-ok with this)
He was single when we started doing this. Then there was a girl that I noticed commented a lot on his facebook stuff and I wondered but I didn’t ask. The next time he came through town they were “in a relationship” according to facebook, so I asked him about it. He didn’t seem like he was all that serious about it so I figured she was just another one of his girls. He’s the guy who just casually dates women and doesn’t really get attached. He’s a d-bag but like I said I wasn’t interested in a relationship with him so I didn’t mind that he was a d-bag. So…a few months go by. Every now and then he and I text dirty with each other, talk about when he comes back to town etc. Then the other day I got on facebook and he was tagged in one of her pictures. It was a picture of him proposing :S I felt sick because he obviously is waaaay more committed to this girl than he ever let on to me. I immediately felt like a tramp, even though I was truly under the impression that things were not serious with them. To make things worse, he actually texted me today and told me that he’s coming through town and he wants see me *barf* I told him that I couldn’t because that’s not the kind of woman I am. He countered that as long as my husband is cool with it, I’m not doing anything wrong. He said that I shouldn’t worry about his relationship and I wouldn’t be a bad person if I did it because I’M not the one cheating. Blah blah blah, he was just trying to change my mind. He didn’t, of course. I told him that it didn’t matter because I was too busy to meet him today anyway. I should have told him what a creep I think he is, but at the moment I just felt so uncomfortable and just wanted to end the conversation. I haven’t answered any of his texts after that.
So I’ve said all of that to ask you guys this: Do I tell her?
I have her facebook page sitting open in front of me. I’ve clicked “message” and “cancel” like 20 times. I am really about to vomit thinking about being the one to ruin this beautiful smiling woman’s fairytale. She seems like the sweetest girl. I kind of want to just cut contact with him and hope that he’ll be faithful to her. Only, I know that won’t happen. I know I’m not the only one he’s cheated on her with. He’s always had girls in other cities. He’s told me about them. I know that he won’t stop just because I shut the door on him. I’m afraid for her to be having unprotected sex with him while he’s having sex with other women. I’m afraid for her to find out after she’s already married him, or possibly after she already had kids with him. At first I was afraid to tell her because I know that he would be furious with me. But I’ve come to the absolute conclusion that I don’t want him in any part of my life, so I won’t shed a tear over our lost “friendship.” My only thoughts right now are for her. I don’t want to cause her unnecessary pain, and I feel like I will devastate her if I tell her. I know that in reality he’s the one who hurt her and betrayed her, but I can’t help but feel responsible now.
I need advice on how to proceed 🙁
Post # 3
Are you absolutely sure that he doesn’t have an open relationship with her as well, or that she isn’t aware of what he’s doing already?
Edit: He sounds like he has a lot of rope and sooner or later will hang himself with it. If everything you’ve said is true, it’s going to be hard for her now or later, if she hears it from you or finds out for herself. The part that would be bad, though, is if she starts building a family and a life with him as a big piece and then finds out that it was all imaginary. That would be more devastating than just finding out about a cheater.
I don’t really know what the right answer is. If it were me, and if someone knew that a man I was engaged to harbored horrible dark secrets like that, I would like to know. I just don’t know that I wouldn’t shoot the messenger (figuratively), and I don’t know whether it would be enough for me to break it off without further proof.
Post # 4
i’d want to know, and if she isn’t a complete idiot with half a brain, she probably already has suspicions.
My friend went through something similar recently and had to make that decision. She chose to tell because someone shoudl have full disclsoure before they marry someone. The girl already pretty much knew, she just didn’t have the evidence.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation…it kind of seems like you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I think if I were you, I’d tell her…but it’s rough, either way. Just think, it’s better for her “fairytale” to be over before it begins, and not after the wedding, or they have kids…
Post # 6
This is tough – but I think you said it yourself. You won’t shed a tear over a lost friendship with him. If I was the other girl, I would want to know now, before the wedding, kids, etc.
Post # 7
He may have an open relationship with her just as you have with your husband.
However, if you know that their relationship isn’t open, then I would cut contact with him and I would not tell her. I don’t think you want to be known as a homewrecker.
Post # 8
Am I the only one who immediately associate this post with the naked pics post and the girl in Kansas?
OP, yes, I would tell her. Don’t look at it as ruining her life, look at it like you’re saving her life. Just be polite, respectful, and if she’s already in an open relationship and knows about it, then no harm, no foul.
I highly suspect she doesn’t though.
Post # 9
I think the answer is no. You just stop your communication with the dude. She’ll figure things out on her own.
Post # 10
Hmm, hard call. I don’t know if I’d have the heart to be the one to tell her. I know I would want to know as well. Either way she’ll find out on her own eventually.
Post # 11
If I didn’t mind losing his friendship, I would tell her. I feel bad for the girls that come after her, if there is nobody to warn them.
Post # 12
Personally, I think you should do her the favor and tell her the truth that her fiance refuses to share with her.
I found out that one of my exes was cheating b/c the girl’s SO msged me on FB and told me. They had an open relationship as well but my ex and her were co-workers and they had a condition to only get involved with strangers. So whatever, he was mad and told me out of his own spite. It was definitely not the best way for me to find out but in retrospect, I’m so glad that I knew before things progressed further with my ex.
Post # 13
He doesn’t have an open relationship with her. Our conversation today had a lot to do about how I couldn’t do that to her and his response was basically like “if I’m ok with cheating on her then you shouldn’t worry about it.” No, he would have told me if she was ok with it.
Post # 15
Hmmmm…… you know, before I would have said no, just keep out of it and don’t talk to him again. But…
The fact that I have been cheated on in the past, I would have actually appreciated being told by one of those girls. I felt that after I caught the guy I had wasted a year of my life with him when I could have been with someone else. Being told would have been nice.
I would tell her and then not have anything to do with him ever again.
Post # 14
@Quietserenity: I did too!
If you choose to tell her, you have the option to do it anonymously. Set up a fake Facebook and tell her that way.
I really don’t know if you should tell her or not. I haven’t been in this situation so I have no idea and cannot offer any advice,
ETA: After reading the points of many other women here, I think you should tell her. She won’t marry a cheating scumbag and you can live without any guilt because you did the right thing.
Post # 16
I would want to know. I would want to know like, yesterday! This is such a nasty position to be in, but he did tell you numerous times he wasn’t serious about anyone. I’d make that clear to her. It’s going to be really shitty for her right now, but it will give her a chance to actually find her fairy tale. Good luck
eta: for those saying don’t tell her, she’ll figure it out on her own eventually.. What if its after the wedding.. Or after she has children with the scumbag.. Or after she gets a disease he’s picked up on one of his escapades? I can understand wanting to stay out of things however I had a LDR before i met my man and nearly moved across the country to be with a jerko who was serially cheating on me. And guess who got up the courage to tell me about it? HIs sister! It is not fair to knowingly dismiss information that could potentially ruin someone’s life!