Post # 1
As you can see from my previous post, I just found out that my husband cheated on me during our first of dating (of which we had 3.5, before being married for almost a year now)
My question may seem silly- Do I Tell My Best Friend? SHe has been my best friend for 12 years now. We tell each other everything and I love her more than anything. My reasons for maybe not telling her about this are two-fold:
1. I am Maid/Matron of Honor for her September wedding. I don’t want to drop this brick of cheating business on her during what should be her happiest times, even though I know she would want me to.
2. If I decide to stay with my husband and work through this with him, does that become impossibly hard if third parties know about it? Do I owe it to him to keep his indiscretion private, between just the two of us? I mean, at the moment I don’t feel like I owe him anything, but if I really want to make our relationship work, does bringing another person into this mess just worsen it?
Thank you so much in advance for your insight, bees. You truly amaze me with your considerate comments.
Post # 3
I would. Just because then she’s another person you can lean on for support if you need it.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
Unless you’re looking for advice/support (basically a stand-in therapist if your friend gives good advice and keeps confidences), I wouldn’t.
Post # 5
If you can, i would keep it to yourself. That being said – you need to talk to SOMEONE! Go see a professional.
Post # 6
If it were me I would not tell my bff. I think that as a married couple this is your own personal business. Also, if you decide to stay she may either think less of you or dislike your husband forever. I’d just avoid the awkwardness altogether. Also, I know everyone likes to go to the bee for advice but ultimately you need to make a decision for yourself.
Post # 7
Maybe you could tell her that you guys are having some problems but keep it undetailed? This way she can understand if youre feeling fragile, etc.
As far as what you could say? That I have no wise idea, sorry.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2011 - Spring Grove Park & St. George Banquet Center
That’s tough. My MOH’s boyfriend cheated on her in the months leading up to my wedding, and I felt terribly guilty that she was suffering so much while I was blissfully planning my wedding. But honestly, she’s my best friend, and I was so glad I could help support her. But our situation was a bit different, as it was her boyfriend and not her husband.
Whatever you decide, it’s not a bad idea to talk to someone, such as a professional. Then there’s no worry of third-party judgement regardless of what happens down the road.
Post # 9
What kind of person is your friend? I mean obviously she must be great, but is she going to hold a grudge against your husband once she knows? Or is she the type that will 100% support your choice and just be that shoulder to lean on? I ask because I get very mama bear when anyone hurts my friends. I’ll try to be supportive, but sometimes as a friend it’s hard for me to get past the fact that someone hurt my friend so badly. I would really try to consider this before making the decison to talk to her.
Post # 10
@wheretogo: I wish there was an OTHER option. I think it really depends on whether or not you think your marriage can be mended. If you feel that you can forgive and move forward, then I would not share with her. I share a TON with my BFF’s, but I would imagine the situation would really influence their feelings towards him and potentially destroy their relationship. If you don’t think that your marriage can be repaired, then I’d probably confide in her. You’ll need her support to get you through divorce and moving forward. Just my two cents…. By The Way, best wishes!!!
Post # 11
I would say you don’t tell her. I am one of those people who doesn’t air dirty laundry to people. If you are trying to mend with your husband and things work out great, do you want that bad picture of him in her mind? It may change the way she respects him forever.
Post # 12
@wheretogo: I 100% would tell my BFF if it were me. I’m really surprised at how many people are advising you against telling your friend. Honestly, you need all the support you can get right now. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in this situation and I think you’ll find that being able to get it off your chest will help you process your emotions and better decide how to move forward. You have no reason to protect your husband simply because you are ashamed or worried what your friend will think if forgive your husband. You need to do whatever will help you get through this. I’m assuming that if she’s your BFF she will encourage you to do whatever’s best for you, whether that is staying with your husband or leaving.
I honestly don’t understand what the point is in bottling this all up. Situations like these are what friends are for!
Post # 13
I would hold off until you know exactly what this all leads to and after she marries.
Post # 13
Unless I knew for a fact that it was over, I wouldn’t tell anyone. If you choose to work things out, it will be nearly impossible for your best friend and husband to even be in the same room together.
I have a friend whose husband cheated on her before they were married. My friend told her BF about it since she needed emotional support and naturally the BF instantly hated the guy. Well, my friend and her DH ended up working it out but now her husband and best friend loath each other. It’s very hard for her and she’s told me that if she could go back, she wouldn’t have shared this with her friend.
Now, I know everyones situation is different but it’s a pretty obvious reaction for your best friend to hate your husband after this. I know if my best friends boyfriend cheated on her, I’d hate him (before I killed him).
Post # 14
If I were in this situation, I would tell my BFF but only because I know that she would listen without judging and just be a sounding board. ALSO! she would never talk about it to anyone else, which to me is very important. I wouldn’t want my DH (if we were trying to work it out) to feel like I was using this as a weapon to hurt him by telling my friends (in other words: amassing an army to support me). Good luck, do what feels right to you, but if you need someone to talk to and don’t think that your BFF can provide what you need without unwanted consequences, than I would keep it quiet and go to a professional, which I advise either way…
Post # 15
I would do my best to not tell her. You are not required to tell her everything. Your obligation is to work through it with your husband. If you feel you need someone to talk to know that once you tell her she may look at your marriage/husband differently if/when you and your husband resolve the issue. She may not share the same thoughts as you and may be a hinderance to the two of you working things out.
And being that this indescretion is not current, it took place in the past, before you were married, I would try especially hard not to tell her.