(Closed) Do I tell my BFF that I was cheated on?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Do I tell my bff that my husband cheated on me, if I decide to to stay and work it out?
    Yes, having her support will help you with whatever you decide : (34 votes)
    44 %
    No, it's a private matter and should stay that way : (44 votes)
    56 %
  • Post # 16
    420 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Are you actually looking for SUPPORT or are you looking for someone to be just as pissed at him as you are?

    Post # 17
    2933 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I wouldn’t.  But I’d consider talking to a councelor.

    Post # 18
    94 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I just replied on your other post so my story is on that one. I told my best friends. Not for them to be mad, but for them to let me cry on their shoulder. I had 2 kids- I couldn’t be weak at home. I wasn’t going to bring my family into it but I needed to talk to someone. I also had some counseling in there but I needed my friends who really know me as well. They didnt’ judge, they didn’t hate him, they didn’t think I was stupid when I stayed. They just listened. It helped in my situation

    Post # 19
    5 posts

    I think you need as much support as you can get right now.  I have had friends in similar situations (marriage problems – on the brink of divorce) and I live by the standard that if they aren’t being abused, mentally or physically, I have a responsibility to support them in any way I can.

    I will admit that it has been hard for me to trust my friend’s husband again after finding out details of their troubled marriage but as her friend I keep those opinions and insecurities to myself.  They are legitimately happy and healthy now and it is my duty to respect that.  As long as I don’t see evidence of an unhealthy relationship, it’s none of my business.  Her happiness is my happiness.

    Post # 20
    922 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I think I would be upset if my best friend’s husband cheated on her and she didn’t tell me…you’re best friends for a reason and I imagine that her support would mean the world to you right now. I say tell her as long as you know she will not tell anyone else.

    Post # 21
    2906 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    If  you feel like its something that you need to talk about or you need advice go ahead and tell her.. If not I dont see the need to tell her. But like I said if you feel the need its always good to have someone you can lean on. 

    Post # 22
    19 posts
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I just responded to your other post. I specifically mentioned in that post about staying away from people who would complicate the issue. If you think your BFF would fall in that category, I say you should keep it under wraps UNTIL you have made a finite decision. If not, by all means go for it. Get a shoulder to lean on, cry into, share your pain with. No therapist will make you feel the way a great friend can in a crappy situation. Even if you can’t bring youself to do it, you have the entire weddingbee community to vent to. Feel free to vent to us! If you don’t like some of the responses being put on your posts, message the people who wrote what you agree with and feel free to talk. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. I can tell you right now I wouldn’t and please feel free to. All of us are just a random person behind a computer screen who will never have the means to complicate your life, so its safe but we are here and able to listen and give support. Good luck!

    Post # 24
    917 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    i voted don’t tell her, but i wish there was an “other” option.  i’ve seen a few people on here saying they would absolutely tell their BFF…but the way i see it, if you are trying to mend things, this is between you and your husband, and husband comes before BFF.  YES, what he did was a serious breach in the trust you had in him, but if you’re trying to give him a second chance, this is not the way to do it.  if things work out, now your BFF knows some of the dirty laundry he has and she will never look at him the same again.

    if things don’t work out, absolutely tell her.

    the way it sounds, the cheating happened years ago.  doesn’t make it better than had it happened yesterday, but if it ended then and nothing has happened since, i’d say your husband probably wants things to work out as much as you do and carries a lot of guilt.  i’m in NO WAY defending him, but in the interest of your relationship if you want to preserve it, i’d keep it to myself for now, if i were you.  see how things pan out before saying anything.

    ETA: and i second the PPer who said absolutely tell SOMEONE and find a therapist/counselor if you can.  if you can go yourself to begin with and then start taking DH (damn husband?) when you’re ready, i think that would really help you if you want to try to repair your relationship.

    Post # 25
    802 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @Oneeleven: I agree. I wouldn’t tell her specifically because if my best friend told me something like that, I’d dislike him forever and that would suck.

    Post # 26
    496 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @cardus: But it sounds to me like telling her BFF will help her decide whether or not she wants to work things out! How can she know if she wants to mend things if she doesn’t have a strong, supportive shoulder to cry on, someone to bounce her feelings back and forth with? 

    View original reply
    @wheretogo: It seems like the best possible thing you can do in this situation is honor yourself, whether that means staying with your husband or leaving him. Ask yourself: How can I best honor myself in this situation? What do I need right now? If you feel like you need someone to talk to, by all means talk to your BFF since it sounds like she is supportive and would love and respect you regardless of what you decide to do. Of course you shouldn’t feel obligated to tell your friend if what you really need is to take some time to yourself to process what happened. But, judging by the fact that you’re on weddingbee asking for advice, I’m guessing that you really could use an outside perspective.

    I think it is always very healthy to have a strong support system of friends and family in addition to one’s husband. If you DO get back with your husband, you will undoubtedly need someone to confide in as you work through your feelings of anger, mistrust, and hurt. Also, I know there are a bunch of people in here saying things like “don’t tell your friend, it would only complicate things!” Well, I’m sorry, but the situation is already pretty bloody complicated! I don’t see how having a friendly shoulder to lean on will further complicate things, if you trust her 100% to maintain your confidence.

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