- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Hi guys- I used to have a Weddingbee account while planning my wedding 2 years ago, but I forgot my username. Anyway, I have been waffling back and forth and I couldn’t think of a better place to come for advice. Here goes:
My very close friend of 14 years separated from his wife just under two months ago. They are living apart, but still remain friends and talk frequently. She pretty much wanted to party with people 8 years younger than her rather than be a wife, so things didn’t really work out as he wants to start a family. He still loves her, and though it is none of my business, he is putting himself through hell by keeping this relationship going. In my opinion, you’re married or you’re not. Being friends with a wife you are attemting to separate with is no good!
A couple weeks ago, someone very reliable (we’ll call him Alex) sent me a message and asked me if John and Jane (not their real names, obviously!) were still together, because he ran into her at a bar and his buddy took her home. I said no, they are technically separated, and asked if I should tell John. Alex’s opinion was “If they’re separated, I don’t see the point in unnessecarily hurting John.” Which I agreed with, though I found it very unsettling that I now knew this information. My husband thinks that John should know, because he would want to know if he were in the same position.
Fast forward to NYE. We went to a huge concert/club with John, who though he appeared to be having fun, spent his night texting Jane that he “loves her with everything he has” and so on. My husband asked me to text Alex and confirm for sure that Jane hooked up with his friend, so I did. Alex informed me that yes, they did, and it wasn’t only once. My husband and our best friend think that John needs to know, becuase he his blindly carrying on this friendship with Jane, thinking that maybe things will work out, all the while she is out sleeping around.
John recently told us that Jane said she doesn’t have anyone to hang out with anymore, and basically has no friends because all her party buddies flaked on her. (big surprise, right?) And since John and Jane have been separated, John has been going out and partying more, obviously, as he is trying to get out and do things to stay busy and try to get on with his life. She texts and calls him even more now, because she now thinks he is more fun which is appealing to her. She is an opportunist to say the least.
I think that John would take Jane back should she ask him, I really do. I feel that she is keeping him around out of convenience, because they like eachother, and when they broke up there was no big fight, nobody hated the other.. it was just a peaceful parting of ways because they wanted different things. But since Jane’s single party lifestyle isn’t working out, I feel as though she is trying to work her way back to him. I just feel that she is leading him on.. and that he would be angry and humiliated to find out he has been hanging around with his wife who is secretly sleeping with someone else.
So, VERY long story short.. Do I tell John? On one hand, I feel as though I am betraying him if I don’t tell him. I feel like I am keeping a secret from him, which is unfair. He should know, so that he can make an informed decision if he wants to keep spending time with Jane. Also, if he knew, he wouldn’t keep hanging on, and would begin to truly get on with his life. If John knew this information about my life, I would want him to tell me.
On the other hand, though.. what business of mine is it to tell him? I’m not involved in their marriage/separation. Would I be causing unnessecary problems by butting in? What if he is angry at me for telling him? And in the future, if they were to get back together.. how would I be able to be part of their life because I know Jane would be extremely upset at me for telling John. (not that I really care what Jane thinks.. she’s not a good person, but if John loves her and wants to stay married I have to support him)
Sorry this was so long-winded. And thank you in advance for taking the time to read. I appreciate all of you bees so much- you were all amazing in helping me plan my wedding, I never thought I would be coming back to this website but I am so happy to know of this community.