(Closed) Do I tell or don't I?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Keep silent and if it ever comes out deny, deny, deny.  No good will come from revealing this secret.  If it meant nothing and you were going to tell him you should have told him back then.  My FH knows that when we met I was sleeping with another guy (nothing serious) but I stopped after my first official date with my FH (we met at a bar on Friday, went on our first date for dinner the following Monday.)  I told him right off the bat so he was aware of it and I think he actually took it to mean that he was much more awesome than the other guy.

Post # 33
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I agree with a lot of the other posters: I don’t see any benefits to telling him now. It’s outdated news, and you’ve clearly recognized your mistake and moved on from it. Not only will it really hurt him, he’ll also be annoyed it took you so long to tell him. I think affairs are a diffferent matter but this was a one-off thing and it doesn’t seem like your friend will say anything now – why would he after so many years?

Post # 34
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

View original reply
@Calybug:  

 

I really do believe in honesty in a relationship, don’t get me wrong.  But honestly I feel that the time for that discussion was years ago when it first happened.  Telling him will ease her guilt but will possibly end her relationship because no one likes betrayal, but that doesn’t mean they’re not meant to be together in my opinion.  She made a dumb decision (one that is not right by any stretch of the imagination), then lied about it/hid it, and now years later after he is really in love with her and ready to spend his life with her, she’s guilty and thinking about dropping a heart-destroying bomb on him.  For some reason that just does not seem like the best approach.  If she tells him, I feel she’ll be doing it for herself, not for him.  

Post # 35
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Normally I would say don’t tell…..I personally would not want to know years later if my man had a one time indiscretion. However, since it was with a friend of his, I would be worried about it coming out later. What if your Fiance gets into a fight with this friend and the friend tells him in anger?

Post # 36
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Once again I am appalled by this stance on the hive. Really, ladies? Any marriage founded on lies is a sham. I don’t care if you cheated on him yesterday, right before you gt engaged, or Thr day after you guys officially started dating. You disrespected your now fiancé once by cheating on him and and ever since by willfully lying to him. You can stop lying to him but you can’t un-cheat on him. 

I always wonder if bees would be so “don’t tell him” if the tables were turned. If he cheated on you, went down on some girl the same time he was saying “I love you” wouldn’t you want to know? Wouldn’t you deserve to know so that you could decide on your own if you wanted to be with the  person who cheated on you?

To all those saying, “What’s done is done” tell me, how long ago can you violate your partner’s trust before it becomes water under the bridge? 6 months? A year? When bees post, “I just found out he cheated on me a year ago and lied about it and didn’t tell me!!” we all say “Leave him!” 

Just because you don’t get caught doing something wrong doesn’t make it okay to continue to lie about it. OP asked about morality. There you go. It is morally wrong to lie to someone you are marrying. 

Post # 37
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@MrsBroccoli:  AGREED x 1000. Good to hear from at least ONE SANE PERSON. “

“Just because you don’t get caught doing something wrong doesn’t make it okay to continue to lie about it. OP asked about morality. There you go. It is morally wrong to lie to someone you are marrying. ” – THANK YOU!

Hearing “don’t tell him!!” from people just makes me sick.HELLO, you are going to marry this man. He derserves the truth. What you did was horrible. Lying to him by omission every day of your relationship is even worse.

You said yourself that he values honesty in a relationship, so how is being dishonest any favor to him? To lie to someone, especially a person you claim to love is probably the worst thing you can do. You are depriving him of the truth and of the choice he should make as to whether he wants to be with you or not.

Post # 38
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

we all make mistakes.  forgive yourself, and move on!!

Post # 39
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Agree with PPs.  I’ve seen letters like this in advice columns ALOT and the answer is always the same – you want to unload this secret so you feel better.  Well, it won’t work.  He’ll feel like crap and not trust you.  Don’t tell him.

It was forever ago, let it be and enjoy your future together!

Post # 40
Member
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Mrs_Amanda:  Agreed. What if he had done this to you??

 

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@MrsBroccoli:  Also…AGREED!!!!

I feel like if this was a post and the tables were turned, a lot of bees would singing a different tune. My first thought when I read this was, what if someone else tells him?? Then what? If he hears it from you, its going to be easier then hearing it from someone else. And also, why did you wait so long? If it were me I would have told him like right after. But now hes invested in this relationship 100% and your getting married. And you might have to deal with the fact that he might not trust you again.

Post # 41
Member
3878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Forgive yourself, marry your love, have a wonderful life together. 🙂

Post # 42
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Don’t say anything. You cheated on him 4.5 years ago. Whatever benefit the relationship would have gotten from honesty is gone now. You waited too long, so keep it in. It is much more likely to cause him pain that anything else.

Post # 43
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with the previous posters, theres a point in a relationship where it would just cause pain and do no good. At this point in the game I don’t think he would be appriciating your honesty at all, he would just be hurt. I bet inside he would wished you just kept it to yourself, NEVER did it again, and let it go. Enjoy your husband love, we ALL make mistakes.

Post # 44
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@MrsBroccoli:  Well said.

Post # 45
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Do not tell him, it was a mistake, you feel guilt, you wont do it again.

Post # 46
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
@Ashley_B:  Agreed! Of course you have to tell him. You should have told him forever ago. Just because you continued to lie for such a long time does not somehow diminish your responsibility for the cheating or for the lying. And as for other bees saying that it is forgivable because it happened a long time ago or because you haven’t done it again…. I truly believe that is your FI’s call to make. It isnt for you to decide what is right based on what you think his reaction would be. Fidelity and honesty are always the right thing. You need to be honest with your FI and even if it isnt likely to come up, you cant have a ticking time bomb in your marriage. I cant believe this isnt a no brainer.

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