(Closed) Do I tell or don't I?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 93
9 posts
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@Everdeen:  +1

Things would indeed get very messy if FI’s friend gets drunk one night and blabs about what happened! Or if they have a falling-out and suddenly the friend tattles out of spite. Then you would be faced with a very sudden and much worse choice: lie, or come clean unexpectedly? What if someone else already knows what happened between you and the friend and word gets back to Fiance that way?

I also have the somewhat-unpopular opinion that a person deserves to know exactly who they are marrying. If it were before you two were together or exclusive then I would absolutely say “no need to tell”.

But if you guys were serious or exclusive when the transgression happened, your Fiance deserves to know before he decides to walk down the aisle with you. I believe it’s his right to have full disclosure in that case, just as it would be yours if the situation were reversed.

Post # 94
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

These kinds of posts come up sometimes… I would tell him.  I do not see how that would “make yourself feel better” or how it is just about that in any way= I don’t think it is about that.  I think a relationship is about openness and honesty.  I tell my DH everything.  He literally knows everything, and personally I wouldn’t want it any other way.  And he still loves me.  And I mean everything.

It is about respect and honesty.  I know EVERYthing about DH and while some of it hurt or disturbed me when we met, I respect him for telling me.  Lying, IMO, is worse than any other act.  I think that respect and honesty are what a relationship is founded upon.  I would see it as lying, not to tell, personally.  It is disrespectful to him that his friend knows and he doesn’t.

Post # 95
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Have you made a decision? A friend of mine had similar experience, she told him. They broke up. Love may not be so strong sometimes. 

Post # 96
23 posts
  • Wedding: March 2013

I really hope it worked out well for you two! 

Post # 97
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Kkat77:  what is done is done. I would move on and burry that part of yourself. You are not that person anymore and there is no reason for you to relive or live in the past. 

I am very glad and congrats on sobering up & growing into the woman you are today. 

Post # 98
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

you’re not doing anybody any favors by not telling him. first, this is clearly a monkey on your back that’s going to eat you up and make you feel endlessly guilty. second, his not knowing is something akin to still being continuously lied to. and third- and probably most important of all- your marriage will then start off with an already serious crack.

my .02 is this- tell him everything. you shouldnt get a free pass because it happened five years ago. reassure him of your fidelity today but very sincerely give the engagement ring back, and tell him all he needs to know so he can make an INFORMED decision. if he backs away, then that’s an acceptable and natural consequence when cheating eats into a relationship. if he chooses to stay with you, then you’ve just both solidified your foundation even more and can then confidently head on towards a life-long commitment of marriage.

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