Do I wait for proposal or move out?

posted 4 months ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Why did you proceed to buy a house with him knowing you wanted to be married first? You have shown him your word means nothing and he has shown you the same. 

Post # 3
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You’ve let him know that what you say doesn’t really mean anything.  If you told him you should move out and don’t it’s just more proof your words mean nothing.  With kids in the mix, papers signed, etc,  all I can suggest is to STOP saying things you don’t mean.

Post # 4
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

My husband told me he wanted to buy a house before proposing because of the cost of the ring (he has higher standards for the ring than I did, so a lot of money). I told him I’d never buy a house with him (we lived together though) until we were married. 

He proposed shortly after, apparently had been planning a proposal all along.

i fail to understand men who can make a huge commitment such as a house or children but get scared about a marriage. And he has the ring! Like just get down on one knee, it doesn’t need to be some big thing!

the fact that he has the ring but hasn’t proposed is the most concerning part of this, my husband waited a few months because he wanted to propose on a vacation we had planned… so do you have something planned that he’s waiting for? If not, I don’t think he wants to be married p

vader123 :  

Post # 5
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

But you told him you were not going to move into a house until you were engaged but you did anyway. So there you go. You didn’t keep your word and neither did he. You showed him that no matter what he does your not going to follow through and he won’t either. He wanted to do it on your 3 year anniversary but didn’t. But hadn’t found the right time? Wtf. Come on. If he has the ring already he would have found the right time. You don’t feel comfortable living in a house with him without being engaged bee you should have never moved in with him. He had ample time to propose. The most romantic time for me would have been the first night in our new home together. How nice would that have been. Candle light and music.

Post # 6
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee

It definitely doesn’t sound promising, bee. He can’t find the time? A proposal is maybe 10-15 seconds?! 

I agree with PP’s. All of your threats are holding no weight because you’re not following through. If you want to leave, leave. But don’t make false threats.

Post # 7
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

vader123 :  I appreciate where your concerns are, I think if he has bought a house jointly with you, he has made a big commitment in this as in law in Uk anyway you with children will be priority in this house and any separation, he will know this and is happy you are all there, I would give him a chance but not too long, ie the next significant event/ holiday, it is really hard when you have children from another relationship as we feel they are not responsible for them and we should expect less of them in relation to security, you have done the right thing, you have secured a safe stable home for the children, please do not move out this is now the children’s home, let it lie a short time and if you do find he’s talking rubbish and the proposal doesn’t come, and you feel you must separate you stay put.  I am assuming your little ones have been through enough change already xx good luck I hope the proposal comes soon. 

Post # 9
Member
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

vader123 :  So that makes it even worse. You moved in to HIS house and made that change for your kids as well for a man who doesn’t want to marry you. Are you going to keep your word or just keep making idle threats? You have two little people you are deeply affecting by allowing this man to drag his feet with you. He is setting up his life for HIM. If he wanted to marry you he would’ve asked you to marry him and proceeded to start building your lives TOGETHER. Not him buying a house by himself. If the flags aren’t red enough idk what is. 

Post # 10
Member
6495 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

If he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed. I guess what I take issue with is moving kids in with someone, them regarding him as a father, moving into a new house as a family, and then breaking up a family because you’ve put the cart before the horse. You were right to not want to move without a proposal, but you didn’t follow through. You can hardly blame him for doing the same thing.

Post # 11
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

It sounds like you helped pay for this house, but your name isn’t on the title at all. THAT is the part you should really be worrying about. If you guys break up, you have zero rights to that house. He could kick you and the kids out. Why wouldn’t you want your name on the title if you contributed money to it? Are you going to be helping with mortgage payments?

I’m not going to hound on you for “not sticking to your word” by moving into this house with him before an engagement. Relationships evolve, situations change, break ups are easier said than done. Even if you had been engaged, he could have called it off easily.

I think your immediate priority should be drawing up some legal contract with him so you get some protection should you split. This is assuming you made any contribution to the down payment. It sure sounds like you have!! For ex, what if you paid 50% of the down payment, you pay half the mortgage, and you split up in a year? If your name is not on the title, he can kick you out, and you’re out of that money you initially put in. If you didn’t help pay for the down payment but are simply paying half the mortgage, you can think of it as “rent” money and that may be a slightly different situation. Don’t think your status as “common law married” will save you. There is no such thing. Being “engaged” offers you no legal protections or part of a house you paid into.

If he gets all offended at the idea of drawing up a contract like that, then you should def walk. Grown ups should be able to talk about money like grown ups. 

Post # 12
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee

Jeez, what a self righteous bunch of comments. That you all can’t take a moment to recognise how a woman with a family and a partner she loves could find herself in a non ideal situation, and rather just sit there smugly with how you would have behaved perfectly is pretty shameful. 

OP, how did your partner react this morning when you told him you thought you should move out? If it were me and the relationship was otherwise a truly good one, I would sit him down and ask to set a proposal and wedding date together – you can go to a fancy dinner or a lovely walk and he can pick a moment to ask you if he likes or you should just ask for the ring and then plan a nice date to talk over wedding plans and set a date. 

Post # 13
Member
4566 posts
Honey bee

So what was your purpose for telling him this morning you’re moving out?

a) Because you are done with the relationship and are 100% ready to end it and move on?  Or 

b) Because you were hoping to manipulate a proposal out of him?

If it’s option a, then yes, you should move out.  You should say what you mean and mean what you say and if you said you were moving out, you should move out.

But if it’s option b, well…since you’ve already proved your word is meaningless (though his is, too, so perhaps you’re perfect for each other) and it’s a little too late to really have the moral high ground on not wanting to move into a house without a proposal since you were already living together for two years, he was playing dad, and you moved into the house anyway – then I highly recommend you stay put until you actually mean it.  No point in disrupting the lives of your children so the two of you can play games back and forth if you’re just going to take him back anyway if he finally puts the ring on your finger.

So I suggest you really think hard.  If you moved out and three weeks later he shows up with a ring…are you done or are you taking him back?

Post # 15
Member
2310 posts
Buzzing bee

vader123 :  it’s time for you to be frank here, Bee:

”I’ve uprooted mine and, more importantly, my children’s lives to move into this house with you under the premise that we would be married very soon—an entire month has already passed, and you’ve not kept your promise to me and my children. Because you didn’t follow through, the entire idea of a surprise proposal has been soured and tainted from my perspective. The only thing that can fix this is your immediate action. We need to be engaged by [insert date of your choosing here] and have a CONCRETE agreement to get married on [date]. I will need to know your decision by no later than Friday. I cannot continue to live with this uncertainty. I love and respect you, so I hope that you love and respect me enough to be honest about your feelings about this either way.”

Bam. Done. 

I understand that it’s way easier to tell people what you shouldn’t have done, and what mistakes you’ve made along the way. The previous posters are not wrong in what they’ve said to you; however, it is not too late for you to reclaim control of your future without wasting more time in the uncertainty of whether your partner is really all-in or not.

Do NOT, under ANY circumstance, let the above conversation end without the 2 dates (engagement AND marriage) being established. If you get emotional, don’t walk away or let him leave—you need to work through it with the main goal in mind—those 2 dates. If he provides you with the dates and misses his promised, mutually-agreed upon timeline again, you’ve got your answer and it’s time to walk away. Any pain inflicted after another missed deadline will be your fault for choosing to stay. 

You’ve got much to lose here, Bee. 

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