MemberI have been in an LDR for the past year, I have seen my Fiance 6 times. I say it does get easier, especially if you have an end date for it! Boredom is a killer. Work, go to school, distract yourself and enjoy your times together, you can get through this!
MemberIMO, it gets worse. For us, it got unbearable – Fiance busted his ass to find a job closer to me (I couldn’t move because of kids), and if he hadn’t, I’m not sure either of us could have handled it much longer.
MemberMy now-FI and I spent about 6.5 years in an LDR, with distances ranging from 4 hours driving (but neither of us had cars!) to 12 hours driving. We were in the same town for 8 mos before the LDR started.
Now we’ve been geographically together for about 3 years, and we’re getting married.
Does it get easier? Eh. Everyone always said it would, but I never thought I did. You learn to cope, but it never stops hurting internally. It is sort of always “there,” but you learn to keep it in the back of your mind instead of the forefront. FWIW, we were careful not place unreasonable expectations on it. We didn’t call every day if we were busy, we didn’t let the other person feel guilty for going out with friends, etc.
We were blessed with helpful family and friends, so I think the longest we went without seeing each other was 3 months. We usually found away to see each other every other month or so, sometimes more often for breaks/holidays.
MemberThings do get better with time, although you will each have your “days” where the distance and the time until you next see each other just feels like too much. For us, its every 1-3 months. I was in a relationship with my Fiance for 5 years (living together) when we decided to move abroad together, and the job he found here relocated him back to the States! I was completely devastated and struggled a lot during the first month, as I’m the one living away from friends and familiarity, and a 12 hour time difference doesn’t help!
4 months into our LDR and two visits later, I do feel like it’s getting easier. To me, what helps a lot is crafting and wedding planning. After working a full day, there’s nothing more relaxing than DIYing wedding invites while watching the Real Housewives, which is something my Fiance would not be interested in at all!
MemberI am having one of those days today. I just had a long weekend of fun, I took off with my colleague to another city to relax and attend a big party there. While I did enjoy myself, I constantly thought of SO. We only texted, since I did not have access to internet and skype.
Yesterday I came back and after 3 days of only texting, I was really looking forward to speaking to him and hearing his voice. Then, he tells me his internet at work is not working and it will take a few days to fix it, thus no skype for the next few days 🙁
Today I had a meltdown, I cried my eyes out. I wrote him that it is really getting critical for me right now, and I really miss him and need to hear his voice… He said he is sorry I feel so bad, and he will find a way to call me tonight after work.
I feel he is okay with not skyping and just texting, I guess for him it is just important to text a little and know that I am all right. For me, it is a different story. I need to hear his voice at least twice a week, I just need this contact. If I do not talk to him in a while, I get all kinds of paranoid thoughts about our relationship, I am afraid he will fall out of love with me because of the distance, etc. I know it is not healthy, and I am doing everything in my power not to be like that, but sometimes I have those days and today is one of them 🙁
I guess what I need is to hear from him that he still loves me and that our relationship is fine. There are so many things that can go wrong in a relationship, and the distance just adds more fear and stress to it 🙁
Sorry for the long post, just really needed to get it out of my system. If anyone has any advice or just comments on how to deal with this, and may be want to share their experiences, it will be highly appreciated…
MemberI think this is made somewhat worse by the fact that guys are not as verbally stimulated and thus do not *need* the daily conversation as much. My SO is like this. If we don’t talk everyday or at least every other day, I will totally have a melt down. He will just be like, “Oh well, more time to spend on my hobbies!” I am not an expert, but from what I have gathered, that doesn’t mean he loves you less or that there is anything wrong. Guys are just built differently.
For me, it has been almost two years and I still get like this occasionally. I recently have begun practicing more mindfulness – which is a form of meditation and “being.” There is a big focus on positive thinking and appreciating things in my life that are good, like my SO. One exercise involves keeping a box of things or having a special place that you designate for your partner. When you are feeling down, you can go to this place and think about the positive aspects of your relationship – encouraging yourself to feel positive feelings that those things or that place inspires in you. It has really helped me not fall into negative thinking patterns similar to the ones you describe above. It is not perfect and I need to practice more but it is helpful.
The other thing that I think that is helpful with men is to have converstations about this when you are feeling okay. LDRs are usually emotional roller coasters – they just are. I find that talking about your problems when you are feeling very emotionally charged is a set up for disaster. Now, this is me saying this from experience. I have often called my SO feeling very emotional – I am just looking for connection and comfort but inevitablly I dissolve in a puddle, SO doesn’t know what to do, I feel unsupported/unloved and we get into a bad argument – it is a bad situation. I think it is important to talk about your expectations and needs and compromise.
Then when unexpected things happen like skype is broken always take a step back and think about the positives of your SO (I find tangible things like old cards that SO has written me help).
There are no quick fixes to LDR but it can be manageable. I am somewhat better now but I still struggle with it a lot. Hang in there! You’re not alone! Hugs!
MemberLDR is never easy. 🙁 I’m sorry. At first it’s the hardest especially those days when you know it’s just useless to count down until you see him because then you’re apart again before you blink. It does get better in time but the missing and the hurt is alwyas there, you just don’t always feel it. When I was LDR I clung to my girl friends and skyped my fiance whenever I could. It was horrible. Hope it goes well for you, you can do this!
Memberflyingpiggy, thank you so much for taking time to write that post, and for the great tips! Will definitely try to practice thinking about positive aspects of the relationship, when I am feeling down. I believe it it is a great tool to deal with the negative emotions.
In fact, I also meditate frequently and it does help me a lot. So glad I have my meditations, which help me keep sanity!
We talked yesterday and it was so great to hear him, he was so kind and considerate, he is such a sweetheart! And although he might not be as good at communicating with me frequently as I wished he was, he is still my hero for trying so hard to make me happy.
Thank you girls for your encouraging words, it means the world to me! It is nice to know that I am not the only person in this situation and to hear about other people’s experiences, I feel you get me and I feel more free to share my frustration here than with my friends and other people around me…
MemberI stole this from somewhere else but it’s great advice- LDRs never get easier but YOU get better at dealing with it. We are military so my husband and I have spent 2+ years long distance and I won’t see him again until December. It’s not any easier but with time, we’ve learned how to deal with it. You will get the hang of it, I promise! A matter of days isn’t too long and the distance won’t last forever!
MemberLONG BACKGROUND STORY: My Fiance and I grew up a world apart and met when I was travelling in early 2005. We are currently on our 4th LDR stint.
The first one was by far the hardest. We had only been together for about 1.5 years at the time and spent 8 months on different continents (only saw each other once). I was an emotional mess and don’t know if I could’ve coped for much longer than I did. (The 9hr time difference certainly didn’t make life easier!)
The second time was after 4.5 years. I’d received a scholarship in London and went over there to study for 9 months (we saw each other once when he flew up to visit). It was still hard, but a lot easier than the first time.
The 3rd time was for 11 months last year due to his career. We were both in Australia, but about 3,000 kms (1,864 miles) apart. We saw each other 5 times, and it was sooo much easier than the previous times.
The 4th and current time is yet again work related, and will last for a year all-in-all. So far we’ve been apart for 3 months, and next time we’ll see each other will be at Christmas when we go to Europe for a month. It’s not ideal, but to be honest I cope quite well. I’ve learnt how to go about these things, spend lots of time with friends and do a lot of wedding DIY stuff to make time pass! 🙂
Once we get married next year we’ve promised to never ever do long distance again (other than the occasional short weekly stints – he’s a commercial pilot, so not much choice there).
NOW TO THE POINT. I completely agree with what
At the start you think about it all the time, and it just seems like an eternity until you’ll see each other again. But after a while, once you develop your own routines, things definitely get easier. LDRs certainly aren’t for everyone, and it definitely requires a lot of trust. I also think it gets a lot easier the longer you’ve been together.
If you both know 100% that you want to spend your lives with each other, it’s actually quite simple. You just do what needs to be done, basically.
Best of luck and big hugs. I’m sure it’ll keep getting better with time.
MemberIn my opinion, if you start out as a LDR it gets easier. I find it’s harder when you’re used to seeing your SO every day, and then they’re gone suddenly and you have to become long distance. Not only do you miss them, but it takes more getting used to!
You can do it though, it just takes lots of love.
🙂
MemberHonestly? No. I have been in a LDR for two years now with my SO. I get to see him once a month, a day and night together out of 30.
Every single time he has to leave, I feel my heart break a little and I have to hold back to tears, because if I cry it will just make it harder for him to to leave. Even before he is gone and it is just getting close the time he has to leave, I feel unbearably sad.
Two years and it has always been like this. No, it has never gotten easier. I still cry myself to sleep because I just miss him being next to me at night so badly. Its hard. Long distance relationships are not easy. Not all couples can withstand the test of a long distance relationship.
But as hard as our time apart is, our time together is so amazing, passionate, incredible, that I’m willing to put up with the bad for the good.
If you love him, its worth it. It won’t get easier, but I promise your time apart with only make your love stronger, but only if YOU stay strong. =)
PS: Only one more month till SO and I’s long distance relationship will be over and we can finally be together whenever we want.
Member
MemberI think the only way it gets better is if the two of you have an active plan to be in the same place eventually. Put your energy into making that happen and let the coutdown begin. It only got easier for us when we realized that our long-distance days were numbered and we could start working toward our life together.
MemberTo be honest, I have been in a LDR for almost four years and it’s not any easier than it was when we started. I only get to see my fiance’ once, maybe twice a year. He lives in New Zealand and I live in Georgia.
But, I am happy to say that the last time you guys will ever have to leave each other will be the happiest/saddest moment! I cried so hard when he left the other week but I’m so happy because I know in just four months he’ll be back and we’ll be married and leaving TOGETHER.
LDR’s are hard and take lots of work and commitment. But the reason I chose to be in one and stay in it for so long is because I knew he was the one I am suppose to marry. Do I want to let him go just because we couldn’t work out our LDR? No one is perfect at it and no one dreams of being in one, so the only way to get through it is to learn how to make it more comfortable for the both of you.
I hope things work out and you both stay strong! It’s not forever, just a short time sacrificed for a lifetime with your SO 🙂
xo
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