Post # 1
About two weeks ago I made a comment to the boyfriend about possibly looking at rings casually just to see what we like and what looks good. I have learned from you Bees that sometimes what you think you will like is different when you actually look. I was shocked at how nonchalant about it he was. He said we could “totally do that” and “where would you like to go”. So I didn’t really mention it again until this weekend. I calmly brought it up and learned that although he understands why I am so excited, he doesn’t really care. Now he is very go with the flow about EVERYTHING so I often hear “i don’t care.” He then tells me that it is just an object and it wouldn’t matter to him if a string was tied around his finger, it still would mean the same thing. i suddenly felt hurt. Which I know is ridiculous! However, it is still bothering me two days later. He said he knows how excited I am about looking so he is more than happy to go but it just doesn’t do anything for him. So I guess my question is do men just not care? Is this normal? Also, is there anything i can do to make it a little more exciting and less terrible for him? Has anyone experienced anything like this?
Post # 3
I’m really sorry you are getting that vibe from him. I think that he should care about it because it really does mean alot since looking at rings are kind of the initial step to the big committment. But maybe this is just his personality? Is he usually really “go with the flow” about other things?
Post # 4
Well I would explain to him that you want to love the ring as it will be on your hand everyday for your whole life. A string would get pretty nasty…lol. Maybe he will be more excited once he sees you trying them on.
Post # 5
just like one size does not fit all neither does the “do men” question
is hes one of those guys that doesnt get excited about window shopping and ground work but does get excited about the actual purchase? or maybe hes the type of guy that thinks if shes happy im happy
Post # 6
Some guys are very opinionated when it comes to the engagement ring they buy for their fiancee, and others pretty much have no clue and just want to leave it up to the woman. Your SO sounds like he’s in the second category.
What’s GOOD about what he said to you is that he cares more about the symbolism behind the ring than the ring itself. I know it may not seem that great when you’re a waiting bee, but it’s better than having a SO that just wants to pick out the biggest rock he can find to show his prowess as a provider, or one who puts a ring on your finger to placate you while he’s still not actually feeling ready for marriage.
My advice is not to make a mountain out of a molehill. Okay, he’s not terribly excited about ring shopping, but he’s willing to go, and you get to give him an idea of what kind of ring you’d like. Besides, I’ll bet he changes his tune when you eventually go out looking for wedding bands. The second they have to pick out something they’ll be wearing forever, they get picky about the most minute details, lol.
Post # 7
my guy doesn’t care either. i went on a trip to disney world last fall with my friends… and i had to send my e-ring away for repairs before i left and had to go to florida without it. i was feeling terrible about it and he laughed at me. he told me he really didn’t care about the ring because. he cares about what it stands for and just because it’s not on my hand, doesn’t mean that our love and commitment goes away.
it’s not a big deal really. it IS just an object. it doesn’t magically have power over your commitment.
i have a big ol’ emotional connection to my ring and i like shiny things… some people are not like that.
Post # 8
He is the most go with the flow person I have ever met and I am a HUGE planner – we actually balance eachother out very well! This is the first time his go with the flow attitude has bothered me. I know he is sorta a “if she is happy, I am happy” kind of guy and he has never gone window shopping for rings or anything like that. I do know that he is very excited about proposing, at least that is what it seems like from his comments about how it is supposed to be a huge romantic surprise and special and blah blah blah lol. I just feel bad and like I am making him go do something which he has no interest in doing. Bah.
Post # 9
if he has never gone window shopping for rings before then take him – seeing you excited over it might make him realise how much fun/emotional it can be. with my hubby we would look in windows and point and talk and when it came to the actual buying day, he literally turned my head and said what about that one (different from what ive been saying i liked) and thats the ring we got, which still pleases him
Post # 10
my finace is the same in some regards. he is more about the meaning than the symbolism. he’s a nature boy through and through…100% naturalist. but, even though we are different in that regard, he still listened when i talked about the kind of ring i wanted and we looked around together online. i didn’t want a diamond (i wanted moissanite because it came from a star/meteor). i wanted something i’d never see (or may never see) on anyone elses’ finger – totally unconventional. but i think that is why he DID listen…because what i wanted had meaning behind it. guys are simple, yet complicated all at once! if you give him distinct reasons that you like certain styles/stones…they are more apt to remember and feel differently about it IMO
Post # 11
A couple of possibilities come to mind:
1. He’s not ready to look just yet (you’re jumping too fast for him).
2. He doesn’t like shopping.
3. He has to go to excited.
4. He thinks it’s your ring/your present, so it’s not going to be as exciting for him (particularly if he sees it as symbolism).
5. He wants to pick it out without input from you to surprise you.
I’d just suggest waiting. I told my boyfriend when I’d like to be married by ideally and that I’d like a year engagement. I let him suggest shopping, which he did idly a few times in passing, before telling me a specific store we ought to visit and when they were open that we could make it. We just went this past Saturday and had a great time. He wants me to pick out exactly what I want. But yes, I’m still more excited than he is and I’m looking at pictures online to find the exact ring that I’d like.
My boyfriend used to refer to diamonds as pencil as well (a scientist, sigh) and ask why I wanted a pencil on my finger. I finally told him that if he didn’t want me to get a diamond ring, then I wouldn’t, but that his comments were taking the romance of it away and not making me as excited about looking forward to our (then) upcoming ring shopping trip. He immediately changed his tune. So…try talking to him is my second suggestion. 🙂
Post # 12
Fiance didn’t really seem to care about rings or to look at rings either. We never went shopping together for rings, but when we walked by windows in the jewlery district, I would get excited and point stuff out, and he’d just stand there and want to move on. Some guys are just like that, but he sure (secretly) spent a fair amount of effort to research and get my ring when it came time. He’s super proud of how much I love it. Maybe he’ll be different when he’s at the store and sees your face lighting up or trying to brush it off cause he wants to surprise you.
Post # 13
So I felt a lot better after reading all of your comments but then it hit me, I always talk to SO if I am upset or hurt and it never blows up so why not talk to him about this? So, I did. Turns out it was a miscommunication – of course. He meant that he thinks of it as a symbol (like some of you said) but also that the cost of it doesn’t correlate with how much he loves me and he doesn’t need to spend 10,000 dollars on a ring to show his love for me nor me for him. Plus he made some comment about a movie where the guy couldn’t afford the ring so he used a string and she wore it forever and how he thought it was romantic – to which I of course replied “um that would surely disintegrate”
Anyways, thanks for all the comments and advice Bees!
Post # 14
@miss. eire: Just to respond to your question, just think about how excited you would be if in order to get engaged, you have to spend 10 hours (or more) building a large machine. Meanwhile, you partner knows how they want it to look and knows a lot about how to do it, out of interest. Wouldn’t you just prefer to help with the grunt work (i.e. in his case, putting money in the bank to save for it) than have to figure it out?
I think he probably understands that it’s an emotional thing for you, which is why he’s willing to make you happy and get something that you like. Remember it’s his hard earned money (think about it in the hours and sweat that he’s putting into your ring) with no goal other than to show you his commitment.
It’s okay, my Fiance had the same attitude and it was pretty annoying for awhile hehe. But after I got the final product, I made sure to tell (and show) him how happy I was and how much I loved it. I made it sound like it was all his doing and that he nailed it all on his own.
Post # 15
Definitely not, some men do care (case in point: my man).
Seeing as you don’t have the ring yet, I’m going to assume you are not engaged…initiating to your bf “Let’s look at rings together” is a pretty high-pressure way of coercing him into engagement, so maybe he is just feeling the pressure from you. Why not let him look when he’s ready? He’s aware you want to give your input, so when the time’s right, I’m sure you’re the first person he’ll be coming to :o)
Post # 16
at least he didn’t freak out in a negative way at the thought of going to look at rings. he could have been all “woah… i’m not ready for that!”