- 10 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
So here is the deal, I will do my best to condense but some backstory is needed.
She and I have been friends for over 10 years. The last 5 or so she has lived out of state and we have usually seen eachother about twice a year, lots of texts, phone calls, FBing etc. She met a guy 2 years ago who she went gaga over. A few months into the relationship she calls me in tears because they had a really bad physical fight, he is an alcoholic, police were called etc. I try to be there for her and she takes him back a week later. He is supposedly going to meetings etc. Ok. I give him a second chance because I love her. I meet him 8 months later and he seems alright but not quite like the whole story is there if that makes sense. She mentions things that he gets mad about and stuff like that and do to my own history and some educational classes I have had, I am aware that he is an abuser – sober or not, and on a mental and emotional level. I can’t control her, its her life, I can offer an opinion and that is that.
So about 2 months ago, she calls me again, he apparently physically broke down her bedroom door because he wanted to “talk” to her. She found out that he lied about a LOT of stuff in his past, (I have an associated degree in business vs I actually dropped out of HS freshmen year) etc. He never stopped drinking after the first incident and has used a bunch of their money to buy alcohol. Her dad also comes out that he has stolen from him. She kicks him out, actually packs up all his things, turns his phone off, does not talk to him for a week. Somehow he gets back into her good graces and is a new man in less than 3 weeks. (yeh right) and they are back together.
She refuses to admit that he is an abuser of any kind, that its only when he drinks and he is stopping. That unconditional love dictates she should stay with him. ahhhhgh! However he is extremely controlling and has already tried to isolate her from her friends including me. She is co dependent and afraid to be alone. During her choice to be with him still I made a comment that I could not watch her do this and to come and find me when she realizes he is not a healthy person to be with. This time I wont give him another chance and again its because I love her.
She didnt talk to me for a few days and then told me if I didnt want to talk to her or be her friend she was hurt and upset, I told her I do want to be her friend, just cant watch her throw her life away. She said she was upset that she had spent money on dress for my wedding already if I didnt want her there, I said of course I did and I do. She and I are on good terms but she knows my feelings about him.
My problem is she hates to travel, and she is traveling about 7 hours by car to be here. I know she wants him to be here and would be happier if he was around for the whole week/weekend. I personally dont want to lay eyes on him. He is supposedly writing me an apology letter explaining everything which I have yet to see, not that it would make a difference.
Do I allow her to bring him since she is spending a lot of money and time to be a bridesmaid? Do I conditionalize it like if she can give me lines that if he crosses again she will leave him? Do I trust him to not get drunk and say or do something stupid at my open bar reception (I have never seen him that way, but obviously he can be and he has texted me under the influence and being a total jerk.) Do I say sure bring him with you but he cannot attend any wedding events? Do I say no just you and not facilitate them being together since I DO NOT support the relationship? She has stated that he has not “earned the right to come to the wedding” but that was during the starting to get back with him stage, I am afraid she might not come if I say absolutely not.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, its really hard for me and I dont know what to do.