Post # 1
My husband and I have now been married for 6 months. We went to same University and after graduating we got ourselves decent jobs. We decided to tell our parents how we wanted to get married. I had complete support from my family but his parents did not want us to get married. Instead they wanted us to break up. The reason being they wanted him to get married to the girl of their choice and not his choice. They believed in arranged marriage for him ( I am from Indian background. It is normal in our culture to get arranged marriage). They had a lot of control over my husband when he was growing up. He has to ask his parents if he can buy clothes even when he was in university. Things changed and he became more independent and started taking some of his life decisions like ‘marriage’ on his own. His parents blamed me for having bad influence on him. I am from the same culture as he is. The only thing was I was not their choice. They abused me and my parents. They rejected me even without meeting me first or even without trying to know me first. They would not let my husband talk to me or come see me. ( after graduating he got a job in different state and that’s where his parents lived too with him). They would tell everyone we know how I trapped their son and all.
Me and my husband decided to get married regardless. We got married legally. We had a ceremony afterwards ( my parents paid for everything ) where we invited them and they did show up. They collected all the gifts we received and we never got to see them even now after 6 months. I felt like they only came to the wedding to collect gifts. As per one of our rituals I went to live with my inlaws after marriage. It was one of the worst time of my life. I was there for 10 days but no one would talk to me. I would keep myself busy in household chores. I felt like I was their maid and not daughter in-law. They would not let me and my husband go anywhere alone. Even if we go watch a movie his sister ( 20 years age ) would tag along. We had no personal time whatsoever during the whole time I was there.
I came back to my city after our honeymoon since I hadn’t quit my job yet. I had to quit my job and relocate to a complete new city and a complete new state away from my family and close friends. Me and my husband got our own apartment. His parents cursed me for that as well on how I am the reason their son is moving out . we live in the same city. The reason to move out was they had so much control over us even after our marriage, they interfered a lot in everything we do ( from opening a joint account in the bank to going to watch a movie together). I was so frustrated with everything that was happening. No one talked to me and everyone hated me for getting married on our own. Even after 6 months of our marriage today my inlaws don’t speak to me or my parents. They ignored my parents call. They ignore me and what I have to say.
Ever since me and my husband have moved out ( 4 months) and got our own apartment, his whole family ( his parents, his sister, his grandparents) have been literally torturing/ blackmailing us to move back and live with them. They have recently renovated their basement and they want us to go back and live in their basement. I really do not wish to go back. My husband is sensitive and some of the blackmailing has got to him. He feels guilty of moving out. He feels that we should be living with his parents and should forget the fact that they hates me like anything. He thinks everything will cool down and will be fine between me and his parents AS time passes by. He asks me to atleast try living with them and give it a chance. My inlaws don’t need any financial help and they are very healthy people. We really don’t have to move back for any reason. If we move back, there is no love, care or respect for me in that house. No one wants me there. They only wants their son with them. I will be like a maid if we move back to that house. They only want me to there to do all housechore, to take their orders. I have no say in anything in that house. Me and my husband won’t be able to make any decision for our lives without their permission. It makes me cry thinking about everything. Me and my husband have been fighting ( serious ones !) over this topic every single day lately. Before we got married, I had made it very clear how I do not wish to live with his parents. He knew how I feel.
I really want to take my frustrations out. Maybe one of you bees may have some encouraging words. Do you think I am selfish that I do not want to move back with my inlaws? Am I really too selfish that I want to be able to make my own decisions ? that I don’t have to take permission for every little thing I do in my life? I am scared that if we won’t move back, the distance between me and my husband might get bigger.since we got married on our own, I cant really share this with anyone. I need some suggestions/ tips on how to deal with this !
Post # 3
Oh helllll to the no – do not move back in!
Why doesn’t your husband see this? Does he really care for you? You’re his WIFE now and YOUR desires and comforts should come before his parents’.
His parents sound like very manipulative people – very jealous, very controlling. I am shocked that he either doesn’t see this or refuses to acknowledge it.
Sit your husband down. Tell them you’re married now and will have your own lodging with just the two of you. Also, tell him to get those wedding gifts from his greedy parents – they were for YOU.
If he keeps pushing the issue, tell him to move in with his parents, ALONE, while you seek a lawyer.
Post # 4
i would never ever ever move back into that house. You’re going to be in the basement/pit of the house. You should explain to your husband you’re an independant couple and remind him of the treatment you received the last time. Really explain to him how it makes you feel, that they don’t even talk to you when you call on the phone, or go for a visit.
Post # 5
I am so sorry you are going through this!! I think if you made it clear to your husband before getting married that you didnt want to move in with them, and then along with the fact that they dont like you, he should be more understanding. I think your husband needs to make a choice, be a good husband or be a good son because there really is no way for him to be both in this situation. I think you should definately stand your ground and make him choose between you or them. Good Luck!!
Post # 6
I would also never want to move into the basement of that house. It sounds like a terrible situation for you as a couple!
Post # 7
I didn’t even have to read your explanation before thinking “NO, you’re not selfish.” But man, once I read about the background, I really felt for you. I love my inlaws and they love me, but I’d rather live in my car than move in with them.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
If you live in another woman’s house then it’s her house and you are stuck with her rules. I wouldn’t live with a Mother-In-Law that didn’t respect me as an adult or as a partner to her son. This is only going to spell disaster for your marriage.
P.S. This sounds like it’s a cultural issue. What culture is your husband’s family? Is it normal for their children to remain living at home even once married? What other cultural expectations does his family have for you? your husband? Is this why they didn’t support your marriage?
Post # 10
When you get married, you have to have 100% support of your spouse. If your family disrespects and abuses your spouse, you have to stand up to them. YOUR HUSBAND’S NOT DOING THAT! He should be defending you against them and supporting you fully in this decision. As horrible as his family is, I think your husband’s the real problem here. He hasn’t put his family in their place. They’re being so aggressive because they know they can wear down on your husband and get him to do what they want.
I agree with a PP that it’s either you or his family. This situation isn’t going to get any better, and PLEASE don’t bring kids into this, because it’ll just get uglier. I understand that you guys feel pressure to do what’s normal in your culture, but that’s no reason to have to take abuse from these people. If he doesn’t start defending you, HE can move back in with them, without you.
Post # 11
I would not go back. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It sounds like he’s becoming a different person than he was in college, now that he’s back home and near his parents again. I would wager that he’s feeling guilty about the rift that your marriage by choice has caused in his family, and is hoping to fix it by moving back in.
I would try to make him understand that moving in with someone isn’t a thing you do to try to fix a relationship, it’s something you do after a good relationship is established. If they want you (BOTH of you, as a couple) to come live with them, they first need to work on building a good relationship with you, so that you will feel comfortable under their roof. They’ve done nothing so far but try to drive you away. How can your husband or his parents now expect you to come back?
Honestly, I would want to move away completely so that his parents would have much less influence on our lives. Maybe tell him that you are already compromising by living near his parents and away from your own family and friends – that moving in with them would just be too much.
It’s hard when what you want and what tradition dictates are different things, but if he was willing to buck tradition to marry you, then he needs to maintain that commitment going forward.
Post # 12
Your husband needs to grow a pair. Couples should not live with anyone’s parents unless the couple is in dire financial straits.
His parents sound like absolutely horrible people, and if he had any brains at all, he’d stand up to them. Sending his sister along every time you two went out, even after you were married? Hell no! Sane people don’t do that. They’re crazy. The last place you should be living is with them.
Post # 13
I had a friend in a very similar situation. Her and her husband were from India, as you two are (or so it sounds)
Their first year was really tough. She also refused to move in. After lots of talking with her husband they made a he finally started to understand where she was coming from and the pain the treatment caused her. There really isnt a magic cure because he feels he owes his family and he feels guilty for breaking tradition.
What they ended up doing for a couple months is they would invite the mom and dad over, but would not go to their houes so that they were on their turf and she had the advantage.
I think really all you can do is be firm and keep telling him why you dont want to move back in and that you wont move back in until you are part of the family. You wont move back in as a means to be part of the family.
Post # 14
She said that they’re all from Indian background, and his parents do not like her or support the relationship because they wanted an arranged marriage and he went for a love match instead.
Post # 16
That is such a rough situation! I wouldn’t move back into the house, though, unless you can get Mother-In-Law into family therapy with you (which doesn’t sound like it’s going to happen!)