Do people pay attention to her their save the date/invitations are addressed to?

posted 5 days ago in Wedding Related
Post # 16
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2025

I can’t see you having a situation where adult couples who don’t receive an invitation, think they are invited because an adult sibling who lives at a different address gets one. I think that was the question? I definitely wouldn’t worry about that. I did think you were leaving it open for guests invited on their own to bring a +1 though – it’s not particularly clear as it is and reads more as though attending alone is just a preference with the guest ultimately making the decision of whether to bring someone or not. I think that could be clearer, especially since you say nobody would be offended, there doesn’t really seem to be a reason to tiptoe around it  If your invite is addressed to just you, we would love for just you to attend!

Post # 17
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

I always read the FAQ on wedding sites, but I wouldn’t assume everyone does. Recently I went to a wedding where they said on the invite itself “while we love kids, this is an adult only wedding” in small text at the bottom. At the wedding no one brought kids and there didn’t seem to be any issue with it, though I can’t say for sure if the couple had to deal with anything behind the scenes.

I think it’s 100% okay to have an adult only wedding and it’s fine to make that clear on the invite or wherever else. It’s your day, not everyone else’s, and unforuntately while that might mean some people cannot attend if no one can watch their kids, if you give people enough notices ahead of time, it should be fine.

Post # 18
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

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@melearenee:  Unless there is room to invite a companion for everyone, you do have to draw the line somewhere.  I’m not of the mindset that a not-so-serious romantic relationship is superior to or a higher priority than a close friend, and so if the close friend (a plus one) could not accompany you due to space limitations, the romantic partner shouldn’t be able to either.  The serious relationship partners are invited mainly because there is much less (if at all) of an acceptable way to exclude them.  With the possible exception of married couples (actually married, not engaged), I personally don’t think that excluding a romantic partner is wrong if there is a good reason to do so (and space is a valid reason).  I know most bees will disagree with me, but I’ve mentioned this several times.

The only reason I MIGHT treat a married couple differently when it comes to a wedding is that I do think there is some validity to the notion that it’s hurtful to not honor someone else’s legal union at an event celebrating your legal union.  But that’s specific only to weddings.  Other formal events, such as a dinner party, I’m personally fine with excluding even spouses.  I would not do so without a good reason (and without talking to the person first) because I know that most others don’t see this the way I do and it would hurt them.  But I can say with complete honesty that if I was married and my spouse was excluded from an event that other spouses were also excluded from, I would go to the event and I might not even say anything to the person hosting the event because I consider it acceptable.

Post # 19
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

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@bride2022:  I personally find adults-only weddings to be rude.  Our children should not be marginalized because of their age alone.  If their development and maturity level naturally do not allow them to partake in something, I absolutely understand and accept that.  For example, it would not be wise to take a young child to an evening wedding reception because they biologically have very early bedtimes and either would fall asleep during the reception, would act out, or would have an irregular sleep schedule for days to come (this is one reason that some parents are against sleepovers even when they are confident nothing bad is going to happen during the sleepover).  But tweens and teens do not have that problem, so they should be welcome even at the most formal weddings.  I like excluding people based on how close they are to you, not how old they are.  I would cut an adult second cousin or distant first cousin before I cut a 9 or 10 year old niece or nephew.

But this is your decision, of course, and I think your wording is pretty good.

Post # 20
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee

Just put the exact names of who is invited. It would be very strange for people to assume anyone who isn’t named is invited. It’s completely within your rights to have an adult only wedding and this is not rude so I disagree with PP. If parents can’t have a night out without being attached at the hip to their children then that’s a problem within itself. We personally hired an on site nanny and had a crèche to care for the kids so that my family from interstate and internationally could be accommodated xo 

  • This reply was modified 4 days, 11 hours ago by happyjuju.
Post # 21
Member
6196 posts
Bee Keeper

I know some say this is rude but I’ve seen enough in this site to say that it’s best if you are super clear. Like “Adults only” or something like that.  Not sure how to soften it enough and still be clear.  

Post # 22
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@stateofbeeing:  “I know most bees will disagree with me, but I’ve mentioned this several times.”

It is incredibly rude to invite someone to celebrate your relationship while simultaneously disrespecting theirs.  You do not get to decide the seriousness of someone else’s relationship, and many lifelong partners don’t get married for their own, valid reasons. 

Perhaps you mentioning etiquette blunders several times, receiving valid advice to the contrary, but persisting with suggesting a faux pas is a reason why many have suggested you should read the room more carefully. 

Post # 23
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee

I am trying to think if I have ever made assumptions – I don’t think I have, but family weddings are definitely odd.

I went to my second cousin’s wedding when I was 20. I didn’t get the invite, my parent’s did, no idea what it actually said. When we got there they asked why I hadn’t brought my boyfriend of two years (I didn’t think he was invited since it was a “family” invite). 

I do remember the first wedding my partner and I attended as a couple, we were dating ~7 months and it was very exciting to get joint mail.

Most people’s wedding websites (at least I’ve found) give you the specific name of the person you are RSVPing for. You put in your last name and it says “Minnewaka” and “MinnewankaSO”. I would assume people would get the message if there were no children.

I’m personally not a fan of the no ring/no bring mentality, but I absolutely understand the friend group attending the wedding when none of them have girlfriends or boyfriends of more than 3/4 months. I’ve personally never wanted to bring a random guest to a wedding as I have known people at all the weddings I’ve attended and it would almost feel like babysitting. I would much rather dance with my friends. 

The only time I had a “plus one” to a wedding that wasn’t named was when my then boyfriend had been invited, but broke up with me shortly before the wedding. We had RSVPd for two. My sister was coming out to town for a week to cheer me up and the bride graciously said my sister could attend with me. My sister knew all my friends and we gave a generous gift.

Post # 24
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

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@bouviebee:  I did say that I would not do that myself, except as a last resort, because of how other people would take it.  I live in a world where plenty of people disagree with me on various issues and I have to take other people’s views into account.  Etiquette is about not offending others, and I do realize that others see things differently.

The only reason I mentioned something about the seriousness of a relationship is about how it relates to plus ones.  I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that a non-serious relationship is not superior to or given priority over a close friendship.  So why invite a non-romantic partner but not allow them to bring a close friend instead (if they do not have a romantic partner)?  I was merely saying that either everyone should be able to bring a guest or non-serious romantic partners should be able to be cut.  Otherwise we ARE saying that a non-serious relationship is superior to a close friendship.

Post # 25
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

Edit: So why not invite a *romantic* partner.  Sorry about that.

Post # 26
Member
909 posts
Busy bee

Adults only is a totally valid choice. There are LOTS of events that kids aren’t invited to, especially formal events or ones that involve a lot of alchohol.

Inviting children can also double your guest count pretty quickly if your friends/family have a lot of kids. Not to mention how chaotic an event can get with 30+ kids running around. 

I had about 35 kids at my wedding (there are 25 on my dads’ side alone) which was fine because it was casual, outdoors, and I like kid-chaos. But there are very few situations where that would be fun for everyone. 

 

Post # 27
Member
13623 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Sorry but there’s no polite way to issue what comes down to a “keep out – this means your children” message. Invitations are meant to offer hospitality, not deny it.

Sure there are some people out there who are clueless or rude. But I’d rather deal with a few errant or unclear RSVPs on a one on one basis, than offend the rest of my guests by implying they can’t read an invitation or would attempt to add uninvited children. I’ve said before that out of the many, many weddings I have been invited to, only once now have I seen “adults only” language when that was the case or only nieces and nephews were invited. 

Etiquette is clear that it is acceptable to issue invitations according to an age cut off. However, a destination wedding is often a burden of time, convenience, and expense. The natural consequence of excluding kids is some couples won’t or can’t attend. I would not attend a large destination affair at this time with or without kids, personally. 

View original reply
@stateofbeeing: As I’ve said before, it is considered completely acceptable to host an adult only reception. This is from someone whose extended family almost always does choose to include nieces and nephews. 

You’re right when you say etiquette is designed to avoid offending people. One of the ways it attempts to prevent misunderstandings and facilitate relationships is for everyone to be on the same page. And one of those guidelines is that cut offs by age are practical and acceptable. By definition, not rude.

 

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