Do relationships that started with betrayal last?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

Shmacaaa :  Can I also just add it doesnt exactly seem like he’s living a perfect life? If he is so happy with her why is he still contacting you, and why was he not there for the birth of the child? Men who are in love show up for the birth, honey. I think you dodged a bullet here and you are free to find someone to make you happy – I can’t say the same for him.

 

Maybe next time stick to single men, just sayin’.

Post # 18
Member
10660 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Shmacaaa :  

There are few worse ways to expend your energy than on thoughts of revenge.  The universe has a way of biting you on the backside for that.

The other woman is *not* ‘100% responsible’.  The responsibility to you falls squarely on your ex.

How much time and energy are you putting to ruminating about this guy?  I’m going to take a wild guess and say your therapist is probably not encouraging you in your quest for whatever it is you’re trying to find.

Will he change?  Maybe.  Probably not.  Time itself can settle some people down.  That seems especially true with certain personality disorders. The core issue here is that you’re still thinking about it.  A lot.  It’s not healthy.

It’s well past time to let go and move on.  You will never know what goes on behind closed doors, nor should you.  We don’t know either.  What exactly is the point of trying to get us to analyze his relationships?

Post # 19
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

Sorry late in commenting but this really reminds me of a time in my life.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I feel like I have been where you are.

I had an ex cheat on me too. With a girl I knew was a better match for him than me. Which hurt a lot! I was terrible and stalked him for about a year before I let it go. Basically I defriend him on Facebook and we have no mutual friends so that worked out well for me.

I still thought of him a lot from time to time after the break up. At first I was really hurt… like why was I not good enough for him? Will I ever find someone that is a match for me, as he found for himself? I definitely felt like a place holder.

I think I was doom and gloom for about a year… maybe two. Then I tried to fill my life with family and friends and I also tried to date other people. But I would have bad thoughts like you, I would swing from wishing him well and swing from hoping he was actually as unhappy as me. I know terrible. I did resist from stalking him online though so that helps, I am not sure what I would do if I saw a friend of his from a picture at his wedding. Yike I probably would have totally lost it!! Haha.

I know this is terrible but I don’t think I truly got over him till I met my husband. All the guys I dated before my Darling Husband, were like blah, and I would think back to the one ex that cheated on me. Then I met Darling Husband and honestly I haven’t really thought of that cheater ex much since then, maybe once every few years. Like right now, your story reminds me so much of what I went through during that time in my life.

I met my Darling Husband about 6 years after I was cheated on. I have now been with my Darling Husband for over 10 years. Yeah I’m old and Facebook was just starting to be a thing when it happened to me hence not having many mutual friends where I can run into pictures of him.

So basically I’m here to tell you as someone that kind of thought my world ended and it was going nowhere that it gets better! I guess I was lucky I found my Darling Husband but I think you can be lucky too!

You guys were not a match even though you really wanted it to match, but don’t worry some day you will find your match and it will be amazing.

I know for sure my relationship with Darling Husband is a million times better than it could have ever been with my ex. Right now I laugh at even the thought of living my life with my ex and how miserable it would be in comparison to what I have now.

I don’t know if your ex will change or if relationships that start with betrayal will last, I honestly don’t know if my ex married the girl he cheated on me with. I actually hope he did because she was amazing and perfect for him, and he probably couldn’t do better than her. I know that’s weird to say but she was amazing, we were students at the time and she was super smart and loved all things my ex liked too which were all things I wasn’t super into. She was also very pretty to boot. I was definitely jealous! Haha.

Also at the time I thought maybe only girls like that could be happy but I will tell all women are amazing in their own way! Find someone that thinks you are amazing and wonderful because you are! ^_^

I heard once that the best revenge is to live the best life you can. I definitely believe that!

Post # 20
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It’s difficult, but you will move on and one day you’ll wonder why this man had such a hold on you. I’ll tell you my story. After 9 years of marriage and 12 year together, my ex told me one day that he was “out” of the marriage. I was completely, utterly blindsided. In my view, we had a wonderful partnership and it never occurred to me that we wouldn’t happily spend the rest of our lives together. Never. A few years earlier, I had survived a very aggressive cancer that has a tendency to return and I was left at age 37 with no kids, no marriage, and the fear that cancer would return and I would die alone. Pretty bleak stuff. A few months prior to dropping this bombshell, we had purchased a second home together, so now I also had to deal with owning two properties with this man as we worked out the divorce agreement.

One of his explanations for wanting a divorce was that he was “not the marrying type,” and didn’t want the responsibility of being in a relathionship that involved legal, financial and emotional obligations. He said he didn’t want marriage or children with anyone. Well, I think you can guess what happened. Within a year, he was married to a younger woman. Within a year of that, the man who claimed throughout our marriage that he didn’t want  children was now expecting his first child. At this point, I had turned 40 and could no longer have kids. Double whammy. Unfortunately, their child died at birth, but I believe they are now trying again.

So, why am I telling you all this? Because now, six year later, I can’t imagine being a relationship with him and I am so incredibly relieved he is no longer in my life. I honestly have no feelings for him. I love my current life so much and am with such a wonderful man who fulfills me in every way. It took about a year to get there, but once I did, I loved being single and dating for a while, and, when I met my Boyfriend or Best Friend, about a year after my separation, I knew without a doubt that this was the man for me and that it was so far above and beyond the relationship with my ex. My ex actually did me a favor.

There will come a time when you no longer think of your ex. He will just not exist for you in your life. Until then, accept your feelings, but work on moving forward as much as possible. I promise there are better things out there for you.

 

Post # 21
Member
2495 posts
Buzzing bee

I have never been involved in this sort of thing directly, but Fiance – his ex broke up with him after 3 years together and IMMEDIATELY was with another guy.

Fiance is pretty sure she was cheating on him, at the very least emotionally, for a few months prior to the breakup, because he remembers the night they both met the guy at a party. She and the guy she (most likely) cheated with got engaged about 10 months after the breakup, married 7 months later. 

So they went from cheating to married in less than a year and a half. 

Last we heard, their marriage had crumbled to the point FI’s ex had moved home (several states away) to live with her parents again.

I think people who cheat are more likely to have personal issues that then go on to cause problems in their future relationship. But definitely cases exist where the cheater cheated for some extraneous reason and then went on to have a very fulfilling, healthy, loyal relationship with the next person.

But you should try really hard to understand that no matter what way it went with your ex and his new wife, it’s not a relfection on YOU. Fiance was understandably heartbroken – until he met me. Sicne then, he’s never looked back. We have what they never did. You will find the same thing in your future.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

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