Post # 1
This post is derived from this article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amira-young/did-single-friends-kill-m_b_2101444.html?ref=topbar .
But love to hear others perspective on friendships and how or why they may change after marriage. I have several friends who got married then suddenly us single girls seem to become pariah. Or the friends who suddenly I don’t see ever without their spouse.
I do think things change, maybe the things we do together have to change, the amount we see each other, but I wonder if some of the friends who drop off the face planet had this perspective.
Post # 3
No personally I think some marriages have a negative effect on relationships with friends. Even the examples you gave are the choices/actions of the married couples not the single friends.
Nothing more annoying than when a friend gets married and suddenly can’t do anything without their spouse or feel like they can’t go out for drinks etc because they are married.
Last time I checked we lived in 2012 and not 1950.
Post # 4
Um…sounds like marrying somebody you’re not compatible with killed her marriage. That’s dumb.
I’m at an age where I actually don’t have many single friends…just because my established friendships have already coupled off, married, divorced and married again, in some circumstances. The only single friends we have are perpetual man-children, and they just encourage me to stay married, when I see what the single alternative is. LOL.
Post # 5
it’s the married couples’ choices that affect the singles more.
Post # 6
I hope not! I have my single BFF living with me at the moment and for the forseasble future! As corny as it sounds my social circle is very “Friends” like, we’re all friends together and it doesn’t matter what is going on in our relationship lives we don’t just stop being friends with each other.
Post # 7
hmm…with that article, it seems to be that the writer prioritized her friends over her husband, not that the single friends were themselves a bad influence…I can see single frends having a negative effect if you’re susceptible to peer pressure and they’re encouraging you to behave as if you’re single too (like, being a “wingman” and hitting on people at bars or something), but in that case, they’re just not being good firends since they’re not being respectful of your choices, but more importantly you’re being a bad spouse for letting it happen.
both of our closest friends in our city (aka, the ones we see most often) are both single. I don’t think they have a negative effect on our marriage at all! I hang out with my bff, P, both with and without my husband, and same thing with my husband’s bff, M. that said, both P and M have commented to us that we’re they’re favorite “couple” friends because we still a)make time for them and b)are inclusive of them when we do see them together, aka we don’t only talk about each other, aren’t all over each other when we are together, etc. my husband is very close to P, and M is like a brother to me now.
that isn’t to say our friendships are perfect, though– dh and I are both way more homebody-ish than either M or P are, and it can be difficult. like, they’ll want to stay out later, or we’ll invite one of them over to just hang out and they’ll want to go out to bars or parties instead–we can never get M to come over to our place, for example (we live about 45 mins away on the subway, and his neighborhood is much more hip than ours is). P just had a haloween party, and dh and I went, with M too, and they all wanted to go to this crazy party afterwards (starting after 11) and by that point dh and I just wanted to go home, lol. we’d rather have qualtiy time actually talking to them than going out where it’s too loud to even talk (omg, we sound old! lol).
that’s a long way of saying that we’re starting to be in a different life stage than our single friends that sometimes causes conflicts, but they’re still our very good friends. and if anything, our friendships are taking the hit, not our marriage.
Post # 8
The author of that article admitted she put her friends before her husband all the time, so I don’t think it’s the friends fault.
For us, my friendships with people have changed dramatically over the last few years. I feel like my 20’s have been a fun yet very weird time. Six years ago I was living in a dorm room with 5 girls having fun with hardly any responsibilty. Now I am married, own a house, with a stressful career. It’s been hard to maintain friendships like I used to, because I just dont have the time. I feel like my married/serious relationship friends understand that a bit better than my single friends. We are just at a different point in our lives, but it doesn’t mean we don’t care for eachother anymore.
Post # 9
I feel like my friends who have gotten married have been the ones to change the relationship we have with each other. My best friend started only doing things with other couples after she got married. She used to invite me but it was obvious that it was really awkward for me.
I don’t have many friends not in relationships. SO and I have talked a lot about strengthening our relationships with couples we know who have awesome marriages. So maybe this is just something married people do?
Post # 10
@TwoCityBride: I’m not married but I’ve been living with my SO for nearly 2 years, we have shared finances, etc. We do plan on marrying.
I don’t think my single friends have a negative effect on our relationship. I’ve known my 2 closest friends each for over 10 years. One of them I am not sure has ever been in a relationship, but the other has had quite a few relationships. I generally see them without my SO… that’s how I get my ‘girl time’. They’ve never said/done anything that makes me feel bad regarding my relationship, and I definitely don’t drag my SO along either.
I’d say that my relationship has changed my relationship w. my sister a bit, though. I definitely hang out with her a bit less. I think a lot of it has to do with us being in different places in our lives. I have the stable career, am ready to settle down etc., while she is still into the staying up all hours of the night, has an erratic work schedule, and basically lives like a student still. I’m way more structured. She thinks I’m boring.
ETA: I wonder if some married couples don’t like to associate w. single ladies because they perceive it as a threat to the marriage. It wouldn’t make too much sense to suddenly drop friends you’ve known for years because of this, but it happened when my mom got divorced. A lot of the married couples she and my dad hung out with just dropped her. Real friendly. *rolls eyes*
Post # 11
I have definitely seen it happen. I watched a marriage fall apart over dirty dishes. It was obviously way more than dirty dishes, that’s just how it started.
Here’s the scenario: Bob and Sarah both work, and come home at around the same time, equally exhausted. Bob expects Sarah to do the dishes and rarely pitches in. He makes more money and has a more “prestigious” job. Sarah is looking for advice.
Single Jenny tells her that he needs to respect her and she needs to fight him on this. Married Beth points out that she needs to have a calm discussion with Bob about this and points out that a lot of married couples face this problem; it’s going to take time to work through and she’s going to have to listen to Bob and compromise. Jenny says that it’s plain unacceptable and the only compromise is a fair and equal split of duties, no matter what Bob feels, and if he does not immediately do the reasonable and fair thing, he is a pig who doesn’t care about Sarah at all and is taking advantage of her.
Sarah is closer to Jenny; Jenny is her BFF and has never really steered her wrong before. She’s more inclined to listen to Jenny and starts to think of Bob as a misogynistic pig without opening a dialogue. WHen she finally does open a dialogue, she’s been thinking of him this way for so long that she doesn’t really listen when he says that’s how it always was in is family growing up, or how he’s been raised to believe that’s how it is because of tv and that’s what he expected, or how she’s better at it and he doesn’t really know what he’s doing because as a bachelor he used paper plates and pizza boxes and he doesn’t want to break the Crate & Barrel plates because he was there when they registered for them and they are not cheap, especially compared to paper plates.
This is a scenario that I saw play out and it was heartbreaking. It was such an easy fix, and this one problem turned into a bigger problem, that turned into a bigger problem, until it was out of control. Married friends have certain experiences that friends who are at a different point in their lives don’t have yet. They’re not always right, but they’re more likely to give advice from a team perspective instead of an individual perspective. I think that’s when it makes a difference.
Post # 12
My single friends don’t have a negative impact on my marriage, but I will say it’s nice sometimes if they are in a serious relationship. That way we have the choice of just the 2 of us meeting up, or all 4 of us doing something. I have friends where 3 of us can get along just fine, whether it’s my husband or their SO, but I do prefer if all 4 can make it.
Post # 13
Sounds like her husband was the leading cause of her divorce, not her friends.
I do agree with her friend ER, that I think husband comes before family and friends. Not to say that family and friends shouldn’t be very important, but I believe that marriage means you stand behind the person you are married to, no matter what.
I have a mixture of single and married friends. I don’t think any of them hurt my marriage at all.
Post # 14
Interesting replies. I do think this womens talking a time of her friends was simply a bigger issues, I’m sure he did things, but she needs to put her relationship first.
I do think it’s hurtful and makes me feel disposable when a friend gets in a relationship and ditches me. Then there are those friends who get married then never wanted to hang out, or if their husband couldn’t come they wouldn’t go. So no more dinners/ girls brunches. I had this happen with a few friends and to the point where he become facebook friends and hardly ever see each other.
I just think it’s possible to have friendships with single friends while still making the marriage a priority. I guess the person just has to have the desire to do so.
Post # 15
I definitely believe that you should sustain a life outside of your relationship. I go out to lunch or dinner with my single girlfriends at least twice a month. We never miss a birthday or special event and we talk at least every other day.
However, here is where your single friends become a bad influence: Most of my single friends often ask me to meet them out at a bar on a Friday or Saturday night. My SO and I live super busy lives during the week and we LOVE relaxing on the weekends. I do maybe 3-4 times a year go out for a “girls night” on the town. But for my single friends it’s not a girls night, it’s just a typical night out for them and they act in their typical ways. I can’t let a guy buy me drinks without feeling uncomfortable about it and how I would feel if my SO was buying a woman a drink.
Honestly, for me I would rather hang out with my SO then go out to the bar with my friends. My SO and I go out to a bar about once or twice a month with a few other couples and we have an awesome time. BUT on the other hand we prefer a nice dinner out or in and a few glasses of wine. My friends just haven’t reached that maturity level and that’s OK, I don’t blame them for that. I just don’t like when they get pissy with me for not wanting to go out every weekend. We live two entirely different lives and they need to understand that.