(Closed) Do Ultimatums have anything to do with age & desire to have children?

posted 5 years ago in 30 Something
  • poll: Bees over 30, do you believe in ultimatums in regards to marriage ?
    Yes : (44 votes)
    53 %
    No : (21 votes)
    25 %
    Maybe...Why? : (16 votes)
    19 %
    Other...explain : (2 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    642 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    Do you mean ultimatums in regards to having children?

    I already have children, but I think that it is very valid for a woman in her 30’s to really want children sooner rather than later.  When a woman is 35, her risks for Down Syndrome are much higher, and by the time a woman is 40 there is a 1 in 3 chance, not to mention all the other risks.

    I am only 27.  I have 2 children, I had my first when I was 23.  Women may not want to have children back to back, let me tell you it is HARD.  So lets say you have your first when you are 31…then wait 2 more years to TTC. By the time you have that baby you are almost 35, and your risks are already increasing.  It does not leave alot of room for more children while still in your healthy child bearing years.

    Anyway, Im Not entirely sure if I am answering your post correctly? Its a bit hard to understand…but thats my 2 cents if it is about ultimatums on having children.

    Post # 5
    Member
    6359 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Over 30, not planning to have kids for a few years yet, planning to have two eventually, we dated for 5 years before he proposed.

    Ultimatum? I didn’t even consider it.

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    4327 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 1992

    Yes, but no. I think open communication about goals for the relationship, and “where do we see ourselves in the future?” needs to be discussed ad nauseum so the woman doesn’t waste time / get strung along, however I don’t feel like she necessarily has to issue an “ultimatum” per se. If she sets an internal goal to have reached bench marks, that would be wise. If she feels at all strung along, she needs to realisticly factor in the time to cut ties, get over the ex, date around / meet someone new. She needs to stick to that timeline to give herself the best possible chance of meeting a marriage worthy man. But does she need to dangle, “I’m gonna leave you unless you give me a riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!” over the guy’s head every day/ week/ month/ semi-annually/ fiscal year? Nah. That’s not a good foundation to get married on.

    Post # 7
    Member
    691 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    In case some people were shocked by the 1 in 3 stat, which was wrong!    Down Syndrome risks are below. 

    • At age 25, the risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is 1 in 1,250.

     

    • At age 30, the risk is 1 in 1,000.

     

    • At age 35, the risk is 1 in 400.

     

    • At age 40, the risk is 1 in 100.

     

    • At age 45, the risk is 1 in 30.

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    8455 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I would think that wanting to have children would have something to do with it, but then again, I’m only assuming.  I’m basing that on the fact that I never wanted to have children, so my desire to get married at a specific time wasn’t really there and I never had a “waiting” period.  I’d be curious to hear from other brides that want to have children/have given ultimatums.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    8338 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Well I’m 29…but yes I think as I got older I would definitely feel stronger about an ultimatum. You can’t wait around forever if you want children.

    Post # 10
    Member
    900 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I’m 32, married in Sept. and we’re now pregnant. We hadn’t realllly planned on getting pregs till next year, but its a happy surprise.

    Having said that, personally I’m anti- ultimatum. As someone who got married later, and as someone who wanted kids at some point, I still would have rather adopted a child on my own than married someone I had to give an ultimatum too. Instead of ultimatums, I think couples should REALLY explore what’s going in in their relationship, and even get an outside expert opinion ( a therapist) if possible.

    I dated a guy from the age of 23 or so until 29 1/2. He was a great guy, great job, very caring, great boyfriend, totally respectful….not at all like some of the trainwrecks I read about on here. But neither of us wanted to get married.  There was nothing “wrong” with our relationship, per se, but (looking back now) I see that it just wasn’t right. That’s all. He was nice, he just wasn’t the guy for me. Meanwhile, we were getting a lot of societal pressure from friends, family, you name it, to get married. We contemplated it, too! Like….should we just do this, because other ppl think we should and we’ve been together so long and we get along so well? 

    Thankfully, after a long time and a lot if very honest communication, we just realized we both needed something else.

    Of course it was scary being 29 and starting over, but wanting kids is not a reason to force something As important as marriage. I’m lucky in that he and I felt the same way….I’m pretty sure if I’d been a typical girl and wanted marriage and issued an ultimatum, he would have proposed. And we’d be unhappily married now.

    instead, I made a life plan for myself. I researched adoption, found out approximate costs, (15,000-20,000$), made a savings plan, bought a house to get myself in  a good position, and started saving.  Having that plan gave me so much peace.

    then, as it happens in movies, I met a guy who was…..amazing. Part of the reason I dated the ex so long was because he was just such a great guy and I was worried that was as good as it gets.  But I wrong! I found someone even better! And this time, it just “clicked”. It was easy.

    We met right before I turned 31, got married 1 1/2 years later, and are expecting now! But even if I hadn’t met my Darling Husband, I think I would have been happy adopting, living in my own–really. I have an amazing family and circle of friends and a great life.

    So, to sum it up, being alone is preferable to having to force someone into something they aren’t ready for, on some level. For me.

    Post # 11
    Member
    246 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @ladeeeda:  It should also be noted that Down’s is not the only genetic disorder that increases risk with age of the birth mother. There are also at least half a dozen that increase with age of the father, including schizophrenia. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    751 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @BookGirrl:  Your post is lovely! Congratulations for your wedding and baby! 

    Post # 13
    Member
    485 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I think ultimatums are passive-aggressive, lazy and immature.  The issue shouldn’t be if HE wants to marry you and when….. the issue should be if YOU want what he is offering.

     

    Why would you just wait around and nag some guy who is not on the same page and doesn’t have the same goals?  He either knows or he doesn’t.  He’s either ready or he isn’t.  And you’re either OK with that or you’re not.

     

    So – if things aren’t going your way…. then don’t stay in the relationship.  If you have goals that are set in stone and you want things…. then find a guy who is ready to give those same things. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    3823 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @BookGirrl:  +1 I agree with ALL of this. I’m in a similar situation. We are engaged and planning to marry in August. I hope it works out and we’re able to easily conceive, but before that, I too did lots of research and sought out peace with not having kids the exact way I had always planned. It’s not worth stressing yourself out over or forcing a situation.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I’m only 26, but I wanted to have my first child before 30 and my second child no later than 32. I never gave any ultimatums, but I certainly didn’t continue dating anyone who didn’t seem to be interested in marriage soonish (which I could usually figure out by the third date). A lot of my friends have NOT done this and are getting frustrated that they are not anywhere near getting engaged or married – most of them wanted to start having children at around 28 years old also. They always thought I was crazy to date with purpose rather than just “date around,” but I knew I wanted to start TTC around 28 and wanted to be married for at least a year before that, which realistically meant I couldn’t just wait around in relationships that seemed to be dead-ending. Some people have asked me how I got my fiance to propose, but I didn’t have to GET him to, he WANTED to, because I made sure I was dating someone who had similar goals and values as I do.

    Post # 16
    Member
    485 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    @distracts  +1.  That was exactly what I was trying to say…… well put.

    The topic ‘Do Ultimatums have anything to do with age & desire to have children?’ is closed to new replies.

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