(Closed) Do Ultimatums Work? I think NOT

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Has a DEADLINE worked for you
    yes he asked me to marry him : (42 votes)
    53 %
    no he shrugged it off : (33 votes)
    41 %
    yes he asked ONLY because I gave move out date : (5 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    668 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I don’t have any personal experience BUT I would never give a man I wanted to be my husband an ultimatum. Does she really want to MARRY someone who had to be FORCED into it? I know everyone’s situation is different but still, pressure like that never seems to end well. I think you gave her good advice and she should have talked about their future before moving in together. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1416 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    One of my good friend’s mom gave my friend’s dad an ultimatum, he married her, they’ve been happily married like 30 years or w/e now. Obviously if he didn’t want to marry, it would be a bad thing, but sometimes guys do need a kick in the pants to realize that they actually do want to get married, or that their unrealistic timeline in their head is hurting the feelings of the person they love *shrug* No personal experience, but I don’t think it’s a cut and dry yes it’s always good or always bad thing, I do think it can work (and may be necessary) for some people and for others is a horrible horrible idea.

    Post # 6
    Member
    9115 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    No personal experience here but it’s pretty “well known” how I feel about walk dates.

    They’re ultimatums, and ultimatums should only be issued if it will save somebody’s life. A marriage will not save your life.

    If you two are on different pages, fine. Break it off and move on. Asking somebody to change or you leave is selfish.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2425 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Nope, I don’t think ultimatums are healthy. If your relationship isn’t ready for marriage, I don’t think you should push it. And if you would actually walk out on someone who didn’t fit your deadline, I don’t think they mean enough to you to consider marrying anyway.

    Post # 8
    Member
    207 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I think ultimatums are horrible, SO will ask when SO’s ready! A friend of mine gave her boyfriend an ultimatum and he did end up asking her, but now I just think he asked her because she was forcing him into it. I wouldn’t feel comfortable thinking that I’d rushed my fiance into marrying me. If you think you will be together forever, why rush it.

    Post # 9
    Member
    652 posts
    Busy bee

    @HisIrishPrincess:  I never believed in ultimatums and think they are horrible. Why should one “force” another person to marry them? 

    Post # 10
    Member
    3229 posts
    Sugar bee

    I think an option should be, “I would never give a deadline.” I don’t believe in them, but if it works for you, great. I have never done it and would never do it though.

    Post # 11
    Member
    4375 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I think it depends on the person receiving the ultimatum/deadline.

    If they’re the kind of person who would let that force them into something they don’t want, then it’s a horrible idea.

    If they’re the kind of person who is less likely to do something because they feel like they’re being pushed, then it’s going to blow up in the other person’s face. 

    If they’re the type to need a small push to realize that the subject or potential timeline needs to at least be discussed, then it could work.

     

    ETA – I didn’t know how to vote. I had a “deadline” of 10 years, but it started as more of a joke – I didn’t consider it a real ultimatum, though I think I would’ve been frustrated if we had hit that anniversary with no proposal.  Still, he proposed before then, so…

    Post # 12
    Member
    407 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @HisIrishPrincess:  We had the discussion about marriage before I moved in with my guy.  We also agreed that marriage was what we Both wanted together.

     

    I hate that song.

    Post # 15
    Member
    5892 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I hate these ultimatum questions on WB. Firstly, she seems young, like too young to get married.

    Besides that, in general, I think it depends on the couple and how the ultimatum is stated. I guess technically I gave my Darling Husband an ultimatum. I was 39, we had been dating 10 months, my lease was ending the following year (we’d be dating 1.5 years) and I’d almost be 40. I basically told him, we are either going to be engaged and living together or broken up and I’m buying a condo. I figured at our age we would know by then what we wanted. It was a little fast for him, but he admits that if I hadn’t said that, he would have dragged his feet for many more years. And now he is blissfully happy that he is married.

    Now what I didn’t do is beg or threaten. I just told him where my head was and what I expected. If he wasn’t on the same page, so be it, I’d move on.

    Post # 16
    Member
    11747 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I wouldn’t say what I did was an ultimatum, but moreso setting expectations and a mutual deadline.  

    Fiance wanted to live together before proposing, I didn’t want to live together unless we were engaged. We agreed that as a compromise, I would move in but he had to propose within 6 months.  We had already been talking marriage and looking at rings so I wasn’t concerned but I just wanted to protect myself in a sense and make sure we were both on the same page before I moved in.

    Just to add, I think its more important to set expectrations about marriage early on and be upfront about it, not wait until you’ve lived together for a few years.  I told my Fiance on our first date that I felt at our age after a year together you should have a pretty good idea if you want to get married or not and I’d expect we’d be headed in that direction at that time.  he agreed.  If he had felt differently, like said I think you should date for 5 years before getting engaged, then I would not have gone out on date 2.  

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