(Closed) Do we give a wedding gift?

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I don’t think I would but I would certainly give a card because two wrongs don’t make a right.

Post # 4
8247 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would get them a gift.  Be the bigger person.

Post # 5
3968 posts
Honey bee

Pretend you didn’t just get married and the situation hadn’t occurred.  If you would have planned to give them a gift, I’d still do it.

Personally I would probably cut the amount of the gift I would have otherwise given in half… but, that’s just the bitter side of me coming out.

More food for thought:  had your friend given you a very lavish gift, would you then want to buy them something reciprocal?


Post # 6
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

@oracle: I agree, if you were originally planning on getting them a gift, I would still do it.

Post # 7
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I would still get something smaller.  They have a year right?  🙂

Post # 8
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would still get them a gift.  Act as if that never even happened and gift them the same as you would have before. That’s just my opinion though.

Post # 9
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I agree with what future KMM said about being a bigger person. 

Also, it looks like you got married just under 3 months ago.  We continued to receive presents 6+ months out from people who “forgot”.  Since she acknowledged that she forgot, she may still be planning to get you something.  What if she gives you a nice gift in a month?  You may feel bad about not giving her anything.

Post # 10
3441 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Since they acknowledged that they didn’t give you a gift did they explain why?

If it was that they just didn’t quite feel like it or forgot then I would probably just give a card, however if there was a legitimate reason in which they were unable to get you a gift then I would be the bigger person and give them a gift.

Post # 11
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Get them a card– call it even.

Post # 12
798 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I agree with Roxy.

Honestly, it seems odd to me that they would admit that they forgot to get you something and then not follow that up with, you know, getting you something.  Odd that.

In any case, I would still get them a gift.  

Post # 13
1652 posts
Bumble bee

How do you go to a wedding and forget to buy a gift?  I could see if you forgot to bring it.  (“Umm I thought you had it.”  “No I told you to put it in the car.”)  But then obviously they would have gotten it  to you shortly after that.   And if they truly did forget to give you a gift, what does that say?

OK, so what if they give you a gift next month, or in a few months?  I guess the same would apply to you right?  You’d still have time after the wedding to give them a gift too.  IDK, if you give them a gift at the wedding, perhaps they’ll be more inclined to give you a belated gift.  If you don’t give them anything, they’ll likely not give you anything.  They might also think you were doing it to get even.  If you don’t mind that kind of response, then do what makes you feel comfortable.  (I’m not judging.  Sometimes that’s how people learn things and grow.)

If you go on with your life as usual and give them a gift you planned, would it eat at you that you spent money on them but they got you nothing?  (Again, not judging.  My mom is like that.  She gets so hurt that she’ll give a nice thoughtful gift.  But others often don’t do the same for her.)  If so, then you might find that the suggestion of a small, inexpensive gift would be the best compromise.  That way you can feel like you acted properly, but wouldn’t feel like the whole sitatuation was unbalanced.

Post # 14
43 posts

totally feel you on this as it happened to us as well. I would get them a gift, and honestly it will probably remind them to get you one as well (since they technically have up to a year to gift you guys!)

Post # 15
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’d probably give them a gift–nothing too expensive or too cheap because either of those options will probably seem passive-aggressive. Go middle-of-the-road, price-wise.

And put the gift-giving politics behind you as best you can. Sure, it’s crummy, but if you like these people and enjoy their friendship, then in five years it’s not going to matter whether they gave you a toaster or not.

Post # 16
43 posts
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would get them a gift.  If you would have spent $100 if they hadn’t forgotten your gift, then maybe I would do $50 or $75. 

Think of it this way — what if they DO end up getting you a gift after their wedding and you hadn’t gotten them a gift?  What do you do then, give them a gift after they’ve given you a gift?  It would be totally obvious at that point that your gift was contingent on theirs. 

There were a couple of weddings of friends I went to several years ago, before I really understood the etiquette of gift-giving, and I didn’t give them gifts at all.  I just didn’t think about it too much, and then when it was after the fact, I thought “eh, oh well.”  I feel terrible about it now that I have gone through the entire process and realize what a big deal it is to get married, how much you spend per person that’s invited, etc.  If those friends had been married recently (in the last year or maybe even two), I would go ahead and buy them a gift and explain that I never did before and now it’s really important to me that I do that.  But we’re talking 5 and 7 years ago for these weddings (one of the couples is now divorced, sadly)…. at this point, it feels awkward to bring up, but I still feel terrible about it.

I guess the take-away would be that you might feel really bad about it later on… also, you never know, your friends may end up “getting” it when they get married and get you a gift several months later (if it were me, that’s what I would do).

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