Post # 1
My FI and one of his good friends (let’s pretend his name is Max) recently had a falling out. Max is pretty unhappy with his life right now for various reasons and he hasn’t been handling it in the best way. My FI just found out from a reliable source that Max has been saying some very unkind (and untrue) things about him to people in a mutual professional circle. FI was really shocked and so hurt that I think he still hasn’t completely processed his feelings on the situation. I asked if we should take him off the guest list yesterday and he said he didn’t know.
I would like to remove him from the guest list. Since we have such huge families, we only have a couple of friends each who will be attending outside of the bridal party and I would really prefer not wasting one of those spots on him. I’d rather invite someone else or give another guest a +1. After hearing what was said, I really don’t want him there, period.
At the same time, I don’t want to be guilty of a huge breach in etiquitte. He has already received a save the date and if that means he should get an invitation, so be it. Just wondering what you all think.
Post # 2
BruinBeeMPH: I would let your fiance make that call since that’s his friend. What if they make up in a month? I know it may not seem possible now, but sometimes people change their tune once they cool off from the initial anger and remember how much they value their friendship.
Post # 3
If you wish to continue the friendship, then yes, you need to invite him. If there’s a chance your FI is going to want to mend fences with him, you need to invite him.
If you’re both agreed that the friendship is over, then you could, I suppose, not invite him.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
If you guys aren’t friends anymore, I would personally throw etiquette out the window. I’m not going to let etiquette tell me I have to invite someone I am no longer friends with to my wedding. Stuff happens! There are exceptions to everything.
EDIT: Ditto PPs, though, that this ultimately needs to be your FI’s decision.
Post # 5
BruinBeeMPH: I had a huge falling out with a guest that received the STD card. The falling out came a few weeks before the invites went out. I did not send her one and basically in our last exchange I told her that she was no longer welcome at the wedding, was not receiving an invite, and told to never contact me again. This person disrespected me and my FI in such a way that there was no way I wanted to be friends with this person or have them at my wedding.
Things change… people change…… do not send the invite if you do not want this person there……
Post # 6
It depends on whether or not your FI wants to burn bridges. You don’t have to invite anyone that you don’t want, but there may be consequences. If your FI isn’t ready to let the friendship go or wants to be the bigger person, send an invite.
Post # 7
BruinBeeMPH: If your wedding date is correct, I would hold off on making any final decisions. March is still a long way away. In 6 months when you send out invites, asses where the situation is. If the friendship is completely gone, don’t invite. If things have mended, then invite.
Post # 8
I agree with others, final decision should be FI’s and if the wedding is far away then you have time to figure it out. I did not feel obligated to invite any one to my wedding. A friend from uni that I had lost touch was visiting us (after not seeing each other or talking for couple of yers) and asked for a STD (because she knew others had recieved). I awkwardly gave her one but she did not get an invite in the mail. Good luck!
Post # 9
Etiquette is a guidleine for good behavior. It cannot possibly cover all circumstances. There are many situations that could occur that would make it perfectly acceptable not to follow up an STD with an invitation. None of us can foresee the future and any one of us could be in a situation where a person who received an STD does something horrible (commits a crime against the family etc) that would make it ridiculous to follow through with an invitation.
Post # 10
BruinBeeMPH: From the sounds of it, this isn’t your decision to make. It’s your FI’s friend, and therefore it’s his call
Post # 11
Is your fiance breaking off this friendship based solely on hearsay? Has he actually spoken to this friend about the matter? Maybe your fiance wants to try to clear the air before completely crossing this friend off the list, and that’s why he’s hesitant.
The short answer is that it’s your wedding and the guest list is ultimately up to you, and both of you need to agree. However, this ball is not really in your court. The man is your fiance’s friend and he should be the one to decide if he wants to let bygones be bygones or if he wants to throw out the friendship. It could all be a huge misunderstanding, after all. Maybe he said something and someone else miscontrued it.
Post # 12
BruinBeeMPH: I agree with other PPs. If you send an STD, you are always supposed to follow up with an invitation. To decide otherwise is a relationship ending move. Because the relationship exists between your FI and his friend, it is your FI’s decision to make. Who is to say that your FI’s friend would attend, anyway, if things are currently sour?
If your FI decides to permantently terminate this friendship, then I suppose an invitation is not necessary (and by not receiving this invitation, I’m sure his friend will hear that message loud and clear.) But if your FI forsees the possibility of rehabilitating this friendship, I would absolutley extend the olive branch and send an invite.
Just be sure not to pressure your FI to do something so drastic so that someone else you’d rather have there can come! This is something he’s going to have to think about for himself.
Post # 13
CorvusCorax: He did ask him about it and the friend denied saying anything but my FI doesn’t believe him. Basically the friend is upset that FI got a promotion that he feels he should have gotten instead and then started badmouthing FI to everyone in their department, saying he was a horrible supervisor, terrible at his job, etc. He ended up complaining about my FI to one of my FI’s friends, and she told him everything the other guy said to her.
I do think you’re all right in that it is his decision to make. I’m definitely not going to pressure him either way. I personally don’t want him there but if FI wants to mend fences and be the bigger person and all that, I will support that 100%. I just want to make sure it wouldn’t be a terrible, horrible thing if he decided against inviting him.
Post # 14
BruinBeeMPH: You don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to invite. To me, it depends on whether or not you want to continue the friendship (which would be a joint decision in our house).