(Closed) Do what works for you….

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
474 posts
Helper bee

wish I could “like” this. I could have written this post.

Post # 4
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@endofmyrope: I see what you are saying, but I want to play devil’s advocate. Please do not take anything I say as negativity toward you or your situation. It is just my opinion, and by no means should anyone take it as gospel! 🙂

Most women that have been waiting for a while would take a proposal today, or would have been happy with a proposal like yesterday! And it seems to me like when a man takes 8 years to propose (not your SO specifically), the woman would have been happy with a proposal 4 years earlier (just picked a random number). But the reason it didn’t happen earlier is because He has the power and HE did not make it happen earlier. So is it really what works for “the couple” or is it what works for him, and she’s just dealing with it?

If I am with my man 8 years (especially if we live together) and people have to ask what’s taking us so long, chances are I am/have been wondering the same thing. And if my man has it in his power to stop my wondering (and the prying of others) by proposing, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t do that.

I don’t understand it so much that I would not stay with a man that long without a proposal, UNLESS we had mutually agreed, for example, that “We have been together 4 years, but we both do not have a desire to get engaged until we both finish grad school (or insert any important milestone), which happens to be 4 years out.” Another acceptable (hypothetical) scenario is, “We’ve been together since we were 16, so it makes since for us to wait until around the age of 24 to get engaged, and 25 to be married.”

Other than those two above scenarios, and maybe some other viable ones I haven’t thought of, I cannot imagine being happy with waiting 8 years for a proposal. Now I say this, but I also realize I have never actually been in the situation so anything is possible I guess, especially when you love someone. But I truly hope I would not wait that long!

*End rant*

Edit: Also want to ackowledge that you said you have only been waiting for 2 of the 8 years. But after 6 years, when engagement popped in my head, I’d be expecting it soon, not 2 years later! Maybe you can share your thought process…

Post # 5
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Man, it really ticks me off when people imply or sometimes flat out state “your not engaged yet, aren’t you good enough?’ ugh…. 8 yrs is a long time, but like your friend said, every couple is different. I have also noticed the people that make those comments the most usually don’t have a happy marriage anyways. good luck to ya girl

Post # 6
Member
675 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Reign14: I think the point is that your perspective on such an 8 year situation is exactly that. You may be thinking it’s his decision or him dragging, but endofmyrope is the only one who knows the details of her relationship. 

@endofmyrope: I’ve never experienced comments from friends or family, but I understand it’s very common. I have a gf who hates going to weddings because it makes her feel ‘behind schedule.’ I try to explain that if it were right for her, she’d be there already. A couple that is getting married after only one year together is in NO WAY necessarily happier than a couple who isn’t married after 10 years, nor does it predict future success OR failure. Each couple has to find their way, and no one shoe will fit all sizes. I commend your sense of calm and keep your head above all the naysayers – remind yourself that you would never impart such caustic comments on true friends. Best of waiting luck!

Post # 7
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

@endofmyrope – I totally agree with your friend. Every couple needs to do what is right for them. You said yourself that you’re in a happy waiting place and your relationship seems to be growing stronger and stronger so what else matters? Enjoy this time and everything else will fall into place.

@reign14 said, “And if my man has it in his power to stop my wondering (and the prying of others) by proposing, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t do that.” Ummm….I don’t know about anybody else, but I don’t want my SO proposing just to shut up other people. I want a proposal because it was the right time for US and because he was ready.

Post # 9
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@endofmyrope: OK, I understand. Love your last statement.

Post # 10
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

Exactly! I let other’s words creep into our relationship just over a year ago, and it only ended in disaster. I turned into that crying obsessing “why won’t you marry me?” mess, and poor SO was so lost. He let me cry it out and we talked and he reminded me that what matters is how we feel about our relationship and if WE are ready to get engaged, not what others feel is a good time for us.

Post # 11
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

Great post by your friend! I need to paraphrase that into a Tweet!LOL

@Hope2BeeMrsC: Ummm….I don’t know about anybody else, but I don’t want my SO proposing just to shut up other people.

I so agree!

Post # 12
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

@strangewaysherewecome: I have also noticed the people that make those comments the most usually don’t have a happy marriage anyways.

OMG YES! My mom’s side of the family NEVER asks me about getting married and surprise! They are all married and happy- in other words concerned about their relationshi, not others. My Dad’s side of the family asks me all the time and surprise again! They are all divorced, separated, on marriage # 2 or divorced and remarried to theperson they divorced the 1st time!

Post # 13
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ve been engaged for a few years, haven’t set a date yet. Comments by other people don’t stop just because you are engaged! Next you will be asked all the time when is the date, what plans have you made, why aren’t you doing X, Y & Z and all sorts of other unsolicited comments. I think it only gets worse once you actually get engaged/married/pregnant, etc!

 

Post # 14
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Heartly: This is true, but just as a point of clarification, some studies have shown that the odds a man will propose drop gradually for the first 3.5 years, but begin to fall precipitously after that. This means that while those ten year relationships might continue to be successful, they probably aren’t going to lead to marriage. 

Source: http://bookoutlines.pbworks.com/w/page/14422733/Why-Men-Marry-Some-Women-And-Not-Others

Post # 15
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@EffieTrinket: Wow, that article is a post in itself! Interesting stuff!

Post # 16
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@kerensa: Great point. I actually didn’t even think about that.

Whether you’re in a relationship, engaged, or married…people will always have a question to ask!

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