- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
Have any of you bees made a decision in your life recently that was a huge risk but you did it because you just had to follow you heart? To be more specific, when you took this risk and did it not turn out the way you hoped it would? Or maybe you have even failed a bit? I have and I try everyday to not let myself feel that following my heart was a mistake.
About a year ago I decide to resign my well paying job with benefits with the state to go to grad school. Once in the program I realized this wasn’t what I wanted either. I want to be teaching in the world, not learning in the classroom or biding time in a dead-end job I hate. So I left the graduate program to devote my time to getting my foot in the door with teaching. Although it hasn’t been a year yet, I am still no closer to my goal except that I now have my national teaching certification and am volunteering as a tutor. Now with all the wedding planning I have had to cut back on my job search, but still try to do as much as I can between working nearly full time, planning/DIYing and also devoting time to my animals and my singing career as I am in a band.
I just feel like if I am not teaching or doing something I love, then I might as well have stayed in my old dead end job. But we can’t predict how things will turn out. And we shouldn’t dwell on the past, but we try to will it to change anyway. I am not giving up, but sometimes I just doubt that my life is supposed to turn out the way I want it to. I just wish I could see the master plans; I just want to sneak a peak at my true calling if it isn’t teaching. I need to be more devoted and dedicated to making these dreams come true, but I just feel overwhelmed by the vastness of the world and the universe and how small we are in comparison and lose my will at times to keep plugging away. I feel as if I am swimming up stream towards a goal that isn’t meant for me. The light at the end of the tunnel is fading.
I just need to keep reminding myself that just because you’re meant to do something doesn’t mean it will come easy. I just wish someone would have given me the chance to have my own classroom when I graduated or that my program would have properly prepared me to get a job. I graduated not even knowing what a resume or portfolios were and had to learn post graduation on my own. Now I am 4 years out of college and still haven’t had the chance to do what I love for a living.
This can be summed up in the lyrics of one of my favorite songs.
Do you share the same sense of defeat
Have you realized all the things you’ll never be
Ideals turn to resentment
Open minds closed up with cynicism
I’ve got no judgement for you
Come on and ache with me
Come on and ache with me
Do you ache with me?