(Closed) Do you agree with this dance situation?

posted 9 years ago in Reception
Post # 17
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am so very sorry for your loss!  I hate to say it but I agree with other posters who’ve commented that moms dream just as much about dancing with their sons as girls dream of dancing with their dads.   I don’t think she’s being mean-spirited or unthoughtful here.  I honestly think it’s just not occuring with her that she would have to miss out on this opportunity.  I’m sure she does not think you would feel hurt by this.  I think you should let her have this dance.  As painful as it is for you to be missing your father, this is a once in a lifetime thing for her too.  You will have many years of her as your mother-in-law and being a big part of your family.  Sometimes we have to sacrafice for our family and I think this is one of those times.  Whatever you decide, make sure the two of you talk and agree that there will be no resentment or ill feelings regardless of what is decided. 

Post # 18
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I like the suggestion of possibly dancing with your Mother.

Otherwise I would follow your DJs suggestion and cut out the “parents” dances. Considering that the mother/son dance is still new to “tradition” it can easily be omitted.

Sorry for your loss and hope you and your Fiance can get to some common ground and everything get worked out.

Post # 19
Member
4822 posts
Honey bee

I would not cut them all together. 

I can understand why you might want to, but your fiances husband’s relationship and your future relationship with your Mother-In-Law is just as important as yours with your fathers.  

Maybe see how Future Mother-In-Law reacts to the possibility of eliminating the dances. If she “gets it”, then go ahead. If she doesnt like the idea or pushes back, allow it.

There is a tradition in my husbands family to dance with the grandma. All the male kids.  I dont have a grandma anymore. Did it make me sad to see them dancing and not be able to recopricate the same tradition at my wedding? Sure, but did it make me happy to make them happy? Absolutely.  Granted your loss is more recent, but your wedding is about the two of you, and therefore, both of your extended families.

Post # 20
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I just recalled some of the other Future Mother-In-Law issues you’ve had…. and with that it is not surprising AT ALL that your Mother-In-Law would still be looking and planning on her dance.

DH Mom was like this and we cut the dance b/c we knew that it would only feed her actions in the “not letting go” <– this was DH decision b/c he realized what she was doing.

I would talk with you FH about it and see that you two can get on the same page about what you’re going through and how you two can get it worked out… and if your DJ has been in this situation He probably would be good guidance to follow.

Post # 21
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think that it’s perfectly normal for a mother to want to dance with her son on his wedding day. I don’t think you should deprive them of that, because of your situation.

You can have a Mother Dance, where you dance with your mom and he dances with his mom. And yes, you can dance with your mom, even though shes a woman. It will probably be a very special moment for her.

My dad passed away several years ago, so I won’t be able to dance with him at the wedding. Still, I am going to have a Father/Daughter dance during the reception, and ask that all fathers, who are there with their daughters, dance together. My FIs brothers, and my brothers all have daughters, and My Father-In-Law can dance with his girls as well. Even if my Dad can’t be there, it will make me happy to see all the dads share a special dance with their daughters.

 

Post # 22
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I too am sorry for your loss.

Your Future Mother-In-Law has had expectations about her son’s wedding and it would be unfair to force her to miss out on what she has been dreaming of because of your family’s loss. Do you have an uncle, older brother or maybe Future Father-In-Law that you could dance with?  I’m not really familiar with moms dancing with their sons but maybe you could do a group dance type of thing so it won’t become somber.  Have the dj play something fairly long where you and DH dance for a while, then you are joined on the floor by (uncle/older brother/FIL) whomever to dance with you and DH dancees with Mother-In-Law for a while, then the four of you are joined by BMs and GMs and anyone else like grandparents etc. Then it is the end of song and the party has begun. 

Post # 23
Member
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m going to have to say I think it’s ok that they dance. It’s very unforunate of your loss but mother son should still be allowed to dance. Could you instead dance with your father in law as he “welcomes” his new daughter? Or what about dancing with your mother. I think both of those options are unconventional but may very well mean a lot.

Post # 24
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow. I am so sorry for your loss. My uncle passed unexpectedly a few months before my female cousin’s wedding and they ended up not doing any parents dances. Additionally, they walked down the aisle together which I thought showed what a team they are.

I think the key here is that you and Fiance talk about this in depth and come to a conclusion together. The important thing is that you are on the same page about what you want for your wedding. Then you can approach your Future Mother-In-Law together if need be.

I do like the idea of a mother/daughter dance though – what a touching and emotional moment that would be for the two of you. If you’re just not comfortable with that idea, are you close enough to FI’s dad to dance with him? Just a thought – I wouldn’t be, but thought I’d throw it out there.

I’m really sorry that you’re even being faced with this decision and I truly hope that you find a solution that brings you peace on your wedding day 🙂

Post # 25
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I cant even imagine what you are going through and I hope you are doing ok. Personally, i would hope that if my father passed away my fiance and Mother-In-Law would have the respect to not do a special dance together knowing how much it would hurt me. I know my fiance would never let something like that happen.  I think you are right in wanting to not do any special dances.  Go with your gut. If its too hard then just say “We’ve decided against having any special dances.” If you think you can handle it or you dont mind then go with it.  I just know that with how close I am with my dad if he passed away 2 months before the wedding I honestly dont know if I could still get married that soon and I definitely couldnt hold myself together while a mother/son dance went on. 

Post # 26
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

sorry just had to add one more thing… if it were switched around and my fiance came to me and said it was too painful for him to watch the father/daughter dance since his mom just passed away could we please do without special dances, i would cut the dances in a heartbeat. 

 

maybe another option would be to ask the Mother-In-Law if she would be ok just having a special dance with her son while everyone else is dancing and it doesnt have to be announced or anything.  It doesnt have to be a planned “Mother/Son” dance to be a special moment for the two of them.

Post # 27
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@yassim: I’m so sorry for your loss.  My dad passed last month, just 8 weeks before my wedding.  Hugs to you.
Fiance and I decided to have the song my dad chose played and invite other father/daughter pairs to dance (I’ll sit out or dance with FFIL)…and invite other mother/son pairs to dance while he and his mom dance.  BUT…for a few weeks, we were just going to have the song his mom chose played later, and they’d dance to that, without the DJ announcing it and making it just the two of them.  Really, they’d be the only ones that would know (well, and me and the DJ) that it was their mother/son dance.  I think that would be the best solution in your situation.

Post # 28
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry to hear about your father.  I think that you shoudl talk to your Fiance about it and let him know that the emotions are still very raw for you, and that you would feel better not having any parent dances.  Have him deal with your Future Mother-In-Law.  I think they should be sensitive enough to respect this.  It is a small sacrifice on their part to abstain from a parent dance because of the situation.

Post # 29
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My husband’s father had passed away shortly before mine so out of respect for both of them and having our wedding so close to when they passed we had a cake and punch reception at the church- NO dances for either of us.  It would have been too much emotionally draining for us and both of our moms.  It was a decision that both of us and our moms were in total agreement on.  But if we had had the party I would have loved to dance with my Mom –  

 

Post # 30
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Sorry for your loss and YES the father daughter dance is the big thing (groom/mom is relatively new and not a standard), I agree 100% skip it.

 

Have a first dance with your husband, then the wedding party dance and after that everyone dances!!

Post # 31
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I agree with explaining it to your Future Mother-In-Law and again maybe it is a cultural thing but I have never seen a mother son dance and never heard a mother look forward to a “special” dance with her son.

 

She can dance with him but no need to rub salt in your wound by highlighting it. Again heard of but never seen a mother son dance.

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