Post # 1
…And what do you do about it?
Fiance and I cohabitate, have for about 10 months, and have a lot of trouble working out how much together time we want. I would like to have at least 2-3 nights a week alone w Fiance. He, however, seems to think that the general activities of living together (ie sleeping in the same bed) should be good enough.
This is causing major issues for us, bc he feels like I’m holding him back from doing things and I feel like crap about it, but I want a partner I can spend time with and who wants to spend time with me. On a weekly basis he meets with his fraternity (he’s 28 but is their chapter advisor), usually has 2 nights for sports but would like to do more, and has one night spent at his sisters (sometimes this is dinner and a movie, sometimes it’s overnight. If it’s dinner I’ll usually come but I don’t like to sleep there). He usually has a social activity come up at least once to a few times per week.
He feels like he isn’t getting to do everything he wants to do and keeps telling me how much he’s turning down and how much he’s cut back (which again, makes me feel like the evil ball and chain that no one likes), and if anything I’d like him to do less. We can’t figure out how to comprimise on the issue as neither of us is super happy with the current state of things but what we want appears to be opposite. Any advice on how to time manage w your FI?
Post # 3
Sounds like your guy needs to be busy. I think you’ll both need to compromise. I don’t see why he can’t give you a couple nights a week, but you also need to understand that you won’t have every evening alone with him.
Try making a schedule. This day’s for his sports, that day’s for going out for dinner and these are the days for just the two of us. And maybe try and come up with something fun to do on those times its just the two of you! Have a movie night, cook a big, full course dinner together, have a board game night… whatever floats your boat! Something to look forward to!
Post # 4
I don’t think wanting/demanding at least 2-3 nights a week with him makes you a ball and chain–it makes you his wife! What if you guys played a sport together–something co-ed, laid back, and fun that you both could do. It sounds like your Fiance enjoys having a social life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a social life together. If he’s 28 and still very involved in his fraternity, AND spends an evening with his sister every week, he should similarly make special time to spend with you, the woman he’s choosing to marry.
I’m guessing the fraternity is boys-only, but are you going with him to other social things, or just staying in?
Post # 5
We do make a schedule, but in an odd way that almost seems to make it worse because I feel like I have to schedule my time around when he’s free. I feel like his time takes priority in our relationship. I don’t expect or want him to become a homebody and stop seeing his friends, but he doesn’t seem to understand that it hurts me when he does something like schedule 8 nights of his own activities in a row. And then we fight and he tells me how much he’s giving up to be with me… I feel guilty that I’m holding him back but I’m also not able to let go of what I want from a relationship. We’re currently trying to find a relationship counselor but I’m starting to think that we just want different lifestyles.
Post # 6
I think you guys could benefit from some counseling. I understand the issues you’re having, but I’m having some trouble understanding why he’s laying the guilt trip on you by telling you how much he’s cutting down for you. My boyfriend and I are both homebodies (I like going out more than he does, but I’m also just too lazy and we both enjoy spending time together) so we spend every evening together, and during the day we do what we want to do. Some weekends are spent completely together, others we do whatever we want during the day (separately) and then spend the evenings together. Since we’re both so secure in our relationship, we would also be ok with letting the other person do whatever he/she wants and only having one night a week together.
So, you need to be clear about this with him, explain that you are not responsible for him not being able to do everything he wants to do, and that you want/need to be a priority in his life. From what I’m seeing, you’re about at the bottom of his priority list (no offense) in terms of time allotment. So, I think this is a problem he needs to work on. You need to stop feeling guilty and to request a certain amount of time and a certain priority in his life. And if he can’t give it to you, then you should think about an ultimatum. But if you give him an ultimatum, I would make sure you can stick with it.
It’s not as dramatic as I’m making it out to be… but it could be. I would say just talk to him and request this priority in his life and try to make it so that you include at least 1 night/week (or whatever minimum you’re comfortable with) together with you. He needs to set his priorities straight.
Post # 7
Honestly, he sounds like he wants all the perks of being in a relationship, but still wants to live the single life.
Does he ever try to include you in any of the activities that he plans for eight days straight? Going out for 8 days straight seems excessive. I feel like he should want to spend quality time with you; just not sleep time. Ugh boys!
Post # 8
@GrumpyPumpkin: And then we fight and he tells me how much he’s giving up to be with me.
I’m so sorry…. What an awful thing for him to say. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but doesn’t he want to spend time with you??
I will say I have a very busy schedule and Fiance is, well, not so busy. But I love him and I love spending time with him so I make sure to carve out time to be with him, even if it’s just pizza and a movie on our couch.
Post # 9
I would not be happy if my husband were going out 8 nights in a row and not spending time with me. When you live together, it is so important to schedule time together… going to sleep together doesn’t count as “quality time.” I agree with PP that your Fiance needs to work on making you more of a priority. He does dinner and movie once a week with his sister? What about you?
Post # 10
Frat night is guys, softball is guys, volleyball is co-ed and I do occasionally sub but I’m not good at it so I’m not on the team (they are a slightly competitive league team). He likes me to come watch him play sports, but I’m not a sports fan and have no interaction w him during that time so I usually don’t, and I also feel that adults should be able to play sports w/o having their fam go watch them. I’ll go to his sisters about everyweek but I don’t stay over anymore; his sister has kids and he usually spends all of his time w the kids so I don’t really count this as together time.
I’ll go with him to about 70% of other social events he goes to if there is going to be a mixed crowd (if it’s just guys I’ll usually not go). He has a slightly different personality in certain social settings that bugs me, so again we don’t normally have much interaction if we go out with other people.
This has always been a problem but I feel like now that we’re engaged we really need to hurry up and figure this out, and we aren’t getting anywhere w this. We both go to one of the same gyms (where we both have a second job) and I have another membership to another gym and I’ve asked if I can add him so he could come with me but he doesn’t want to. We’ve also been together for nearly a year and a number of my friends have never met him bc he’s usually doing something else at the time, like the bachelor party he attended during one of my friend’s weddings. He keeps telling me to think of other ideas of things we can do together, but I am so tired of having my ideas passed over in favor of his that I don’t really even want to think of any date night type ideas anymore 🙁
Post # 11
@GrumpyPumpkin: I’m really sorry hun. Don’t take my word for it, but from my point of view it seems that you guys are just not working out. Go to counseling or get out, you deserve better in this short life…
Post # 12
I really worry though that maybe there isn’t better? I’m 28 and this is by far the most successful relationship I’ve ever had (the longest I’ve dated someone in the past was 7 months in highschool). I guess that’s a good reason to go w the counseling before anything more drastic.
Post # 13
This sounds tough… I think it’s great that he has so many activities but at the same time I feel like he needs to make time for YOU, as his significant other, his future family and most important person in his life.
I agree with you that this is something you need to work out before you get married. Would he consider counseling?
What were things like when you first started dating? Were you spending more time together then?
I also think it’s a hurtful thing say to you that he’s giving up a lot to be with you… I mean it’s TRUE that you have give up things to be in a relationship, but you do it because you think it’s WORTH it, IMO … or if not, it might be a sign that you’re not with the right person.
And the spending the night at his sister’s 1x/week… that just seems odd to me. Why does he do that?
Post # 14
@GrumpyPumpkin:You mention all of the things that you Fiance does in his free time, but do you have any hobbies that make you unavailable? If you don’t, I suggest you find a few. One of the things I hear over and over from my Darling Husband and guy friends is that they love a girl who is “too busy for them.” Maybe if you made your self unavailable to him sometimes, he will make more of an effort to open up his schedule for time with you. Just a thought….
Post # 15
“I really worry though that maybe there isn’t better?”
The fact that this question has entered into your mind means that you wish he were better. I thought my first husband was “good enough”, and he would have been… if good enough were good enough. It just isn’t. I truly didn’t believe in storybook romance and all-consuming passion until I met my SO, but let me tell you, it exists. There are men out there that want to make their women blissfully happy and spend every waking moment with them. Sounds like your man isn’t one of those… Could you be happy in this relationship long term? Yeah, sure, if you put your needs on hold for the sake of his. But could you be happier with someone who treasures you? You bet! It might take a little while to get there, but it will be worth it. Better to spend the next few years finding Mr. Right than marrying Mr. Right Now and struggling to find yourself in his shadow.
Post # 16
- Wedding: October 2018 - Stone Rows Farm
Wow! It sounds like your describing my situation also!!! He has seriously said to me, but we eat dinner together at the table everynight and we sleep in the same bed every night and i’m like HELLOOOOO ?!?! We’re sleeping!!! hahaah but Honestly, you do learn over time to share your time together. My Fiance also likes to stay busy.. Very busy.. But more with work around the house. There are nights i come home, make dinner, he comes upstairs eats it kisses me and says thank you and then waits for me to tell him its ok for him to go back to working on the house. This has been going on for 3 years and it most likely will stay the same. Just ask him for 1 night a week. And I learn to cherish the time we DO spend together and i miss him when hes not there. He is such a hard worker, and i know i could have it worse. He could come home from work and sit on the couch and play video games and ignore me that way. But instead trying to build a life for us in our happy home. He is now working 2 jobs to help pay for this wedding so i rarely see him anymore during the week but trust me. It does get easier and you learn to co habitate in ways that make you both happy.