(Closed) Do you and your partner talk about your sexual history?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We have in the past before, but our pre-marital class is supposed to discuss that this weekend.  Shall be interesting.

Post # 4
Member
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yeah, he pretty much knows all my dark secrets and I his.

Post # 6
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Well I agree that you should be able to talk about your sexual history.. to some extent. I don’t know that revealing how many sexual partners you’ve had is always the best idea. We know of each others past relationships but not every single one of them. I really don’t even care to know this stuff, it’s in the past.

Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Some of it. Generally no. It’s not to be deceptive, I just don’t like dwelling on the past.

Post # 8
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i’m in general just a really curious person–i’m a researcher by profession so i just have trouble with secrets and want to know as much as possible about everything i can. my hubby’s really different, he only wants to know things on a need-to-know basis. that goes for a lot of topics, but especially our past relationships. early on in the relationship we would talk about it more and it would kill me that he didn’t want to tell me things or know about my past, but i think we ended up somewhere in the middle compromising. like, we’ve talked about number of partners, and which ones were longer-term, but the info def came out more slowly over the 5 years we were together than i would have liked at first. and now i’m okay not knowing everything–it’s really not that important anymore to our relationship since we’ve been together so long now, and this is by far the most important relationship either of us have been in to ourselves. but then again, neither of us had terribly serious relationships before each other–i was the first girl he ever introduced to his parents even–so that helps make our pasts less important to our present.

Post # 9
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We talked about it when we first started sleeping together. I fudged it a little since I have had more partners than Fiance. I knew that would freak him out.Embarassed

Post # 10
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

We were friends first.  So we discussed every. single. dirty. thing.  Now sometimes I wish he didn’t know every detail of my past, and when I hear him mention a friend from college, part of me wishes I could erase the image of their hook-up.  But in other ways, it’s nice to have it all out there, and to know there’s nothing new to stumble across.

If I were in a new relationship, I’m not sure I’d bring it up.  At least not the specifics.  I do think it’s important to clue them in to certain things (e.g. meeting up with an ex and letting him know the general history so he’s not ambushed).

Post # 11
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I love hearing about DH’s sexual past. I honestly do. However, he isn’t too keen on hearing mine lol

Post # 12
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I had a bf like that.  He didn’t want to know anything about my past, or share much about his.  I thought it was really weird, and, like you, felt that it was important to share the basics.  It was so bad that one time I was having a conversation with his cousin and the subject came up (I’m pretty open about these things and don’t mind discussing them casually) and Boyfriend or Best Friend walked into the room mid conversation and he was so pissed that he heard it…I think we may have even broken up for a couple days over it!  This bf was also had some control issues in general, and, needless to say, the relationship didn’t last.  I think this was just a symptom to other issues he had.

Post # 13
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

In general, I do think it’s important to have a basic sexual history of someone you’re in a relationship with, particularly before you are intimate.  Ideally, people should get tested for Save-The-Date Cards, HIV, hepatitis etc. as indicated by their sexual history.  In addition, it may be beneficial to share (as much as you are comfortable) if there is a history of negative feelings towards intimacy, especially if it’s due to a traumatic incident, such as rape.

Post # 15
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@cbgg: Thinking about your situation – I don’t think it’s weird that he doesn’t want to know, but if it bugs you, then it’s worth talking about.  Fiance and I dated for a couple weeks, were friends for 8 months (with hook-ups), then got together for real.  Toward the end of the “friendship” portion, he was really jealous, so I wasn’t forthcoming.  Then when we got together, I was in a rough spot, because he thought he knew everything about me and I knew he didn’t.

I basically sat him down and said, there were things I wanted him to know, even though they were upsetting, and could we just get it out now so we never had to worry about it again.  Then I told him that while we were just “friends,” I had hooked up with someone he knew well.  I just couldn’t deal with the thought of the three of us being in a room together, and me and the other guy knowing about it, and my boyfriend being in the dark.  So it was a weird night, and Fiance wasn’t thrilled about it.  But it was all out, and later that night we started everything fresh, on honest terms, and we’ve never looked back.  In fact, we even joke about those things now.

So I’d say if it’s important to you to have it out there, to sit him down and ask if you can spend an awkward hour going over these things, then go to bed next to each other, and when you wake up in the morning you know your relationship is what matters and the rest of it is over.

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