Post # 1
So, Fiance and I have had many discussions about this. We’ve been together for several years, I have fertility issues (surgery on Monday, eek!) and so, the conversation has come up a few times.
One thing we differ on is how we think about things. I’m a “planner.” I like to have plan A, B, and C when possible. Fiance is a “wait and see” kind of guy. He doesn’t make plans, matter of fact he hates them.
I’m just wondering how this should tie-in to TTC? I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him to say “Yes, in 6 months, 1 year, 4 years, etc, we should TTC” when I know he is going “Shut uppppp. Wait and see about X first.” Lol.
Any of your guys not like to talk about these types of plans? Don’t get me wrong, he listens to me talk about the effects of my fertility issue, he has been extremely involved in the process of pre-surgery, he’s been great about that. But my Type A personality is screaming for answers! Lol. I’m also thinking I may post this to HelloBee, but I know so many more WeddingBee members that know my situation for now. 🙂
Post # 3
I am doing my best to just “let it happen.” We agreed to wait (as in, to stop being obsessively careful not to) until we had health insurance and a different apartment.
I think it sounds like you really are a planner and that is okay, just remember this is not something you really can plan. Maybe he is just trying not to let you go overboard with the planning, considering this is something we cannot control.
Maybe just decide on a time when you do not have to be super freaky careful. That’s what we did!
Post # 4
@cbee: Haha you are very right. I think this is more my pre-surgery feelings manifesting themselves in my planning. I’ve seriously been thinking “well, if doc tells me X, then we’d start TTC immediately.” Or “if doc tells me Y, then maybe next year?” And “If doc tells me Z, well then we’ll be adopting.” It’s sort of a crazy place to be in.
Post # 5
@AmeliaBedelia: oh gosh – I am such a crazy planner. I actually broke down today because I don’t think we got pg this cycle (totally normal and fine, it’s cycle ONE!) and I had a good plan for Christmas, next year, etc. LOL. Darling Husband just wants to have sex 24/7 and “see what happens.”
I suppose I’m not sure what to tell you, except you aren’t alone! I think I’m going to keep ovulation info to myself (DH doesn’t care) and just get busy more often during the 4-5 day fertile period…and let Darling Husband just see what happens, 🙂
On another note..good luck with your surgery!!
Post # 6
I’m in the same boat! I’d love to TTC right away (after wedding next year) but my fiancé is more non-committal. I think once we make the plan to TTC, I’ll keep quiet about my actual fertile days because I think my fiancé will get cold feet. I’d love to have a wait and see attitude, but I don’t think it will happen! My baby fever is too strong to put my thoughts on the back burner… Good luck with your surgery!
Post # 7
We agreed to start at our one year mark/stopping BC earlyish next year. I REALLY wanted to start ASAP, but I understood his reasons and figured we could use the couple time, so (while expressing my desire for non-hormonal BC) I did my best not to talk kids. When my husband got back from deployment (two weeks before my birthday/our half anniversary), he was willing to talk about things like health insurance, house plans, birth, cloth diapers, etc like he never was before. On my birthday dinner, he told me his reasons for wanting to wait until spring were no longer valid, and he would be fine with TTC as soon as I was. I stopped birth control that night.
ETA: As far as getting pregnant… It’s “I should probably keep track of my LMP…”
Post # 8
We agree that we don’t know if we want kids. We only know we dont want them now.
I am starting to feel a little “itch” to have one. I cant imagine growing old without having the relationship I have with my mom with my own kid. But I CAN NOT imagine feeding a baby, waking up etc. I can even imagine going to PPT meetings, but the infant thing has be stuck.
I am a little afraid if I “get there” before he does. So right now we agree to discuss later when one of us cares.
I do know that I want a marriage first before the kid. Even though we lived together for 3 years, I want the marriage experience first since things do change post wedding.
Post # 9
totally the same here (minus the health issues–good luck with the surgery!!)–I’m a planner but Darling Husband really isn’t. I thought we had a timeline for TTC–back in August we were on vacation and had an awesome talk about starting next summer. Then about 2 weeks ago we had another convo about why next summer and it came out that his saying that was just pretty arbitrary–he isn’t ready yet and he said that because he thinks that could be when he’s ready. but, him giving me that date just raises my expectations and if I think we’re a go for then, then I put more pressure on him. So I’d rather not have a timeline from him if he isn’t sure of it so I’m not feeling like I’m pushing him, if that makes any sense at all! it’s just so, so frustrating though–I don’t want to pressure him, but I really want to start soon, this baby fever is really strong! And not having a date just makes me feel like he’s never going to be ready, even though my head knows that’s not true and when he’s ready he’ll be totally committed. it’s like waiting all over again–for the “bf/gf” convo, first time saying “i love you,” moving in together, getting engaged….I’m always ready and wanting to plan the next step before he is, but this one is just so huge I know I need to be patient and bite my tongue but it’s so hard!
Post # 10
My Fiance and I decided that we are gonna TTC around November or December 2014 so about 2 years after our wedding. Of course things happen that can hinder that timeline, but if something happens it happens.
Post # 11
I am totally with u here. I am a planner and my hubby tends to go with the flow. I am 5 years older than him, 34, and have low amh so we are starting in january. Originally it was gonna be may. I am not the type who holds back so I started the talks in June. It tOok. A few months but I got him to agree to a time.
If I were you I’d find a happy medium. Maybe you can ask him realistically when he thinks he will be ready in the event of both scenerios. Then tell him what you think would work and split the difference.
Best of luck with surgery and with your TCC planning!
Post # 12
@Audreysdance: What you said about a happy medium is so right on track with what I want. I get a bit frustrated at times with his nonchalance, but it’s also one of the reasons we work – I can’t even imagine if we were BOTH like I am or like he is. Good grief. Lol.
But really, he is driving me nuts with his “wait and see.” Wait until…The man KNOWS I suck at waiting! Patience is not one of my virtues. Ha. I’m glad I’m not the only one! He has given me some non-committal answers but nothing like “I think next year would be good.” None of that.
@Everyone — I’m glad I’m not too totally crazy or out there with my thoughts. I know that in relationships we all reach different points at slightly different times than others (unless you’re part of the lucky few) and it’s always a struggle to figure out how to not be pushy but still have needs met. I think that’s my major dilemma. I don’t want to drive the kid issue into the ground, but it’s on my mind. Especially now with my brain so focused on my reproductive capability.
And thank you everyone for your wishes on Monday – I’m reallllly freaked out by anesthesia and surgery in general, so yeah, it’ll be quite an experience. Hoping for good news of some sort – or at least a resolution if it’s not good news!
Post # 13
We’re on the same page, and it makes me so happy. I’m going to go off the pill as soon as we’re married and hope to start TTC sometime in the fall or winter. We’ve been talking so much lately about “our kids” and I kind of can’t wait!
Post # 14
@AmeliaBedelia: Your post really reminds me of Fiance and I. I have to plan and organize and know everything, and he likes to be spontaneous. I have a feeling if I tried to set up a specific time for TTC in the future he’d go crazy, so I have no idea what we’ll do in the future.
At the moment though, I’m 20 and going through extreme baby fever, and I know this is the worst time for us to have kids and it would be pretty stupid of us to try when we can barely feed ourselves. So thankfully his timeline is far in the future so I’m not tempted to TTC right away, lol.
Post # 15
@galloway111: Haha exactly. We’re both in our early 20s as well, so we COULD make it (both have graduated college and all that) but it would be much harder now than in a few years. Granted, that logic will probably fly out the window if we were told that our baby making years are limited by my fertility.
I feel so…I don’t know, like I can’t plan anything! And that drives me nuts, as I’m sure all you other planners understand! haha. I guess I’ll follow up more on this on Tuesday (or whenever I’m coherent enough to remember this).
Post # 16
Amelia, just want to say first that I hope your surgery goes well and that you have a speedy recovery. 🙂
Also, I related because I am also very type-A/crazy planner and Fiance is a more “lets wait and see” kind of person.
Fiance and I compromised to start NTNT at 9 months of marriage- (I wanted 6 months, he wanted 12 so we compromised at 9 months…lol) We agreed to stop using birth control at that time, which was much earlier than we originally intended. He agreed to it so that we would be able to have some time to see if we’d get pregnant naturally without getting super anxious. We could just be regularly sexually active without the stress of active TTC.