Post # 1
Hi Bees- regular posting going anonymous to ask a question that is really bugging me. I would love to hear your take on whether or not you and your SO hang out with someone of the opposite sex in a one-to-one setting.
The reason I ask is because this came up with me and my fiance this weekend. He is incredibly into spending time outdoors- particularly in the winter. I’m not (and in my defense, he is hiking 8-10 hours in below 20 degree weather). Generally, he can find someone to go with him, but this past weekend, he couldn’t.
He asked if, in the future, I would mind if he went with one of my girlfriends. Usually, he goes with her and her husband, but in last week’s instance, it would have been just the two of them.
I can’t help but feel icky at the thought, even though I trust him immensely. I think it’s the idea that they would be together all day long, and truthfully, I’m afraid that them “conquering a mountain together” could lead to other feelings. I think this is because hiking was our first date, and it was where we got engaged, too.
I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea, and he said he understood, but it made me feel weird all weekend. I think that he would have gone, if I didn’t disagree.
Am I worrying about nothing? Does my opinion of it being weird make sense?
Post # 3
I don’t think that married people should go to places alone with people of the opposite sex (especially their wife’s friend!). I have work friends that are guys and we have gone to the farmers market together sometimes but we usually drive our own cars and meet there.
Post # 4
@thisbeeisanon: I have girl friends, Fiance has guy friends. I don’t think he’d be interested in hanging out one on one with any of my friends lol, but I would feel kind of weird about it too.
Post # 5
@thisbeeisanon: This topic comes up frequently and I think what you’ll find is that there are people who are cool with opposite sex, 1:1 hangouts and there people who are not. What matters most is that you and your spouse are in agreement.
For what it’s worth, DH and I are ok with 1:1 opposite sex hangouts.
Post # 6
Thanks for your input!
Thank you! So true. I’m planning on bringing it up again tonight, so that we know where we stand, going forward. We’ve been together for two years, but this is the first time it’s really come up (I think because of the extent of the 1:1 time).
Post # 7
@thisbeeisanon: Personally I think it depends on the person. There has been one instance where my DH was friends with a girl who had had feelings for him in the past, and I was never comfortable with them hanging out. Eventually they just grew apart, so it’s not an issue anymore. If DH wanted to hang out 1-on-1 with another girl, especially one I was friends with, it wouldn’t bother me at all unless I had reason to be suspicious of her.
Likewise, my DH’s best friend used to live with us, and I would hang out with him all the time when DH was busy (we would go for breakfast, have coffee, even went to visit his mom once, lol!) but it was completely platonic and DH had not problem with it.
My thought is that if there is trust in both parties, it shouldn’t be an issue. Do you have any reason not to trust this girl, if you completely trust your FI?
Post # 8
@thisbeeisanon: I think your feelings are valid. I go out to dinner or for drinks with one of my best friends who is male. My FH never thought it was a problem but I think if I proposed we go out of town hiking on a mountain together he may find that odd. There are certain things oyu may be alright with them doing (going out in public together as friends, etc) and then not (going into the woods alone together). It’s reasonable and I would just present it as such.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID
@thisbeeisanon: Most of my best friends are males, and I’ll hang out with them on a one-to-one basis. I would never be with someone who would have a problem with that, but that’s just me. I find it to be controlling and shows a lack of trust in the relationship, and my SO completely agrees. In our opinions, if someone is going to cheat or do something mistrustful, it’s going to happen whether you try to stop it or not. He also has friends that are women, and he hangs out with them alone. I have no trouble with it at all. We hang out as groups, too, but if it can’t happen like that due to scheduling, then no big deal.
As far as your situation goes — I guess I can see how you’d be upset about it, but for me, I personally wouldn’t care. I’d rather him go out and do something he wants to do, and not be in that sort of situation alone.
Post # 10
Thank you!! That’s a good question. So, I would say that she generally doesn’t have great boundaries. I in no way mean this as stereotypical, but she’s from another country, and her whole family is very “in your face.” She’s my running friend who has no problem going to the bathroom on the side of the road during running races.
My take is that she would be completely baffled if she found out I’m concerned.
Post # 11
@thisbeeisanon: I completely agree with your stance on this issue.
Post # 12
Ahhh, so true! I think the fact that the mountain is 2 hours from home, and completely desolate makes it different than if they were going out for coffee.
Post # 13
I completely agree with everything you said- especially that if something is going to happen, it’s going to happen regardless of where they are. I have this opinion, along with some weird feelings about it… so I’m trying to figure out where I stand. Thanks for your input!
Post # 14
Fiance and I both have very close friends who are of the opposite gender. We’ve hung out with them one on one for many occasions. I know that nothing bad is going to happen because we are very devoted to each other and we just don’t feel that way about these friends. I trust him and he trusts me, we also trust each other’s friends because we both know everyone and they are all good people who are very supportive of our relationship.
The one time Fiance saw another girl topless (she was walking around his dorm) he called me all upset about it because he thought I would be angry. It never occurred to him that if he didn’t tell me I would never know (we were in an LDR). I ended up laughing at him and asking him who had better boobs because he was so ridiculously upset about it.
Post # 15
HAHAHA! That’s amazing. I aspire to this level of trust!
Post # 16
My Fiance and I have absolutly no problem with each other hanging out with members of the opposite sex. I actually have a good friend who lives in the UK with us living in the states. I don’t get to see him that often, but we try to aranage our vacations together. My Fiance won’t meet him until the wedding. FI has been invited to come with us, but money and work have not let him.
I will tell you from the oposite side, that while your feelings are valid, I would be deeply hurt, and upset if my Fiance told me I had to stop seeing my friend without him. We are very much about trust in personal lives because we can’t talk about our jobs.
Don’t just tell your DH no, he can’t hang out with her alone, have a conversation about it. Be prepared with why you are uncomfortable. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable. He should understand your emotions and not do something you are uncomfortable with. But that doesn’t mean you get off the hook of explaining.