Post # 17
I think it depends on the person. DH hanging out with one of my girlfriends 1:1 – totally cool. DH hanging out with a female I have never met/don’t know- not cool.
I think the situation is important as well. 1:1 dinner at a nice restaurant? Kind of weird. Hiking busy every once in awhile when he can’t find someone else- I would be cool with it. I personally would rather that he hike with one of my female friends than hike on his own or miss out because he can’t find any males to go with.
That works for us but I understand that it doesn’t work for everyone!
Post # 18
Agree with you about having the conversation.
I think where my situation is different from yours is that she is a relatively new friend to both of us (and I didn’t explain that at first- sorry about that). I haven’t even spent time with her 1:1 yet. If he had a pre-established friendship with someone, I think/ hope I would feel differently.
Post # 20
@thisbeeisanon: I think that if you completely trust your Fiance then you don’t have anything to worry about. My SO has had lunch 1:1 with a girl that, he had feelings for in the past (they kissed a couple of times before he and I met) but he’s with me now and assures me that those feelings are no longer there for this other girl. They’re still friends and I don’t see any issue with them meeting up for lunch once in awhile. And I also have guy friends that I meet up with sometimes 1:1 and it’s never been an issue. My SO and I have such great honesty, respect and open communication and I think that really helps.
I don’t see anything wrong with your Fiance going for a day hike with this friend of yours if you do have nothing to be suspicious of. Has anything happened that has ever made you feel like you couldn’t trust this friend or your FI? If not, then I honestly don’t see any issue with this at all.
He’s with you and loves you and if you’re worried that he’s going to start developing feelings for this other girl while hiking with her then I think that’s something you really need to think about. This insecurity/fear come from somewhere and I think it’s important that you do sit down with you Fiance and discuss why you feel this way.
But I do know that every relationship is different and it’s great that he’s respectful of your feelings! 🙂
Post # 21
I was totally nodding my head with everything you were saying while I was reading your post. I’m very much trying to take this as a learning experience for me, versus about him or about my friend. It was sort of unexpected that it bothered me, so I am thankful for the reminders you gave about where my insecurities and fears come from. Thank you!
Post # 22
I wouldn’t be OK with an all day hiking trip either. It would have nothing to do with trust and more to do with common sense. People are human, and it’s just a good idea to avoid situations that may be especially conducive to the start of an emotional relationship. Nobody ever intends for these things to happen, but they can and do.
Post # 23
I don’t care. I do think as a married couple you do have to place new barriers. But it sounds like your husband is interested in this hobby and looking for people to go with and it was perfectly innocent.
I tend to opperate on the belief that no matter where I am and who is there I conduct myself in a respectful manner, and in the same way I would if he standing right next to me. I feel the same way about my husband, and I really don’t care where he is and who is there and what is going on because I expect him to conduct himself and make good choices.
If you truly trust your husband, you shouldn’t be concerned with what other women should try and it’s only human to be concerned. But I think if from what you said it has more to do with your feelings and insecurities rather then what he does.
Post # 24
@thisbeeisanon: I think you can compare yourself to other people all you want, and get some good input, but if something doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you.
Mr. 99 and I are fiercely independant, and also had built our lives before we met each other, this included a lot of friends, some of whom are of the opposite sex, some of whom we’d been involved with romantically before…either way, just because we fell in love and got married does not mean those friends are no longer appropriate, at least for us.
I’ve gone on road trips with opposite sex friends, Mr. 99 has been camping and shooting with opposite sex women…its all about what interests us, and trust.
I trust my husband, and I believe in him…I also believe in our marriage…not that its perfect, but that it is truly strong enough to overcome anything, as long as we’re both working together….because honestly, if someone is looking to step out on his wife, he doesn’t need a red herring camping trip to do it…
Post # 25
@thisbeeisanon: I think it just depends on each couple and the friend in question. I have a very close male friend that I hang out with when I go to visit family in CA without my husband and it’s never been an issue (we’re like siblings); but, my husband completely understands our friendship, so he has no real issue with it. I think as long as you and your partner are on the same page with boudaries, there isn’t a right or wrong way to handle outside friendships.
Post # 26
YESS! I always love your posts and feedback!! Thank you! After reading everyone else’s responses, and yours, I’m feeling like it can’t be a one size fits all model. We’re going to have to talk about it, and figure out what works for us. I’d be curious to hear what fiance would think if I asked him the same. It’s a good chat to have, I suppose! Thanks for your feedback!
Post # 27
Just curious, how do you feel about someone’s SO going out for drinks alone with members of the same sex without their SO around? Do you think think that these types of situations should be avoided as well because someone might come flirt with them, right?
I just think it 100% does come down to trust. You can’t be with you SO 100% of the time and I think you just have to trust that they respect you and are devoted to you while you are around and aren’t around.
If someone is the type to cheat on their SO or Fiance, then they’re going to find a way to do it. Period. Hell, even the grocery store can be a place that could be conducive to the start of an emotional relationship. It just can’t be avoided and I believe it comes down to trust.
If my SO started developing feelings for another girl while hiking with her or drinking with his buddies, then he’s not the type of person I’d ever want to spend my life with. I don’t want to have to worry that my SO is going to be unfaithful to me every time he goes out the door. That sounds terrible.
I’m so glad thisbeeisanon to hear that you’re approaching this as a learning experience for yourself, as well. I’ve definitely had situations pop up before that have bothered me. And those negative feelings really caught me off guard. But I think that if you can sit down and have an honest conversation with you SO and discuss where these fears and insecurities are coming from, your relationship can actually grow and become stronger from this experience!
Post # 28
@thisbeeisanon: I wouldn’t have a problem with that scenario. He wants to do some hobbie he likes and I don’t think he should have to stay home just because his friend is a female. I’ve hiked with a male friend (I was not in a relationship at the time FWIW) on an all day trip (6am-5pm anyway) but I don’t see how that scenario would bring about feelings. Feelings are either there or they’re not! If they haven’t been there for the 10 years that we’ve been friends, why would they start during a hiking trip? We didn’t even talk most of the time hiking.
I think if you’re okay with hanging out with the opposite sex in general, then something like that would be no big deal. Some people have issues with it and so I would understand that. But I think it that case you wouldn’t want him to hang out with a opposite sex friend alone in ANY scenario. If they’ve been friends for years, then I don’t see the big deal though.
DH and I don’t routinely hang out alone with members of the opposite sex but that is because the only male friend I have that I’d do that with doesn’t live here. But when DH and I were dating I went out to dinner alone with him a few times. DH didn’t want to come, so why should I stay at home if I feel like going?
Post # 29
We don’t hang out alone with members of the opposite sex. Not because we decided that we don’t feel comfortable, but because it just never happens.
If the issue were to come up now, I can’t promise I would feel okay with it. It would depend entirely on the person of the opposite sex and the circumstances surrounding hanging out.
Post # 30
For us, not a problem. I go shopping about once a year and occasionally meet up with with an old friend of mine from childhood (who used to have strong feelings about me, fiancée knows about our history and knows him very well) and it has never been an issue. Does my fiancée LOVE when we hang out? Probably not. But he also knows I’m stubborn and if he asked me not to I would probably do it twice as often haha. Trust is a non-issue for us… As in, we don’t think about whether or not we trust each other, we just do.
Regarding your situation, would he go hiking anyways? If so, wouldn’t it be better for him to have someone with him in case there is a safety or health problem?
Post # 31
Thank you! I definitely don’t want a relationship like that, where I need to be concerned about the grocery store, gym, bar, etc. I think I’m going to have to do some soul searching about why this situation bugs me, and so many other ones don’t… because I certainly don’t want to be overthinking anymore than I already have the last few days. I really appreciate your input.