Post # 32
“Regarding your situation, would he go hiking anyways? If so, wouldn’t it be better for him to have someone with him in case there is a safety or health problem?”
Absolutely, and definitely part of the reason I feel a little heartless for giving an immediate “no.” My biggest fear with him doing these crazy winter hikes is that he is alone. That’s part of what I want to tell him tonight… his safety is my biggest priority!
Post # 33
We both have friends of the opposite sex, but now that we’re getting married we don’t hang out with them on a one-to-one basis – it would be a little weird IMO to do so. Especially if Fiance wanted to spend one-on-one with one of my female friends….
I haven’t read the updates or replies, but my take is if it makes you uncomfortable, it doesn’t matter that you trust him completely and that it’s “right” or “wrong”, it should just matter that it makes you uncomfortable and that should be enough for him to respect that (and vice versa).
If the situation came up, I wouldn’t necessarily be like “HELL NO” because it would depend on the situation, but it hasn’t come up and I don’t really see a reason for it to come up.
Hate to say it, but it also depends on who the 3rd party is that’s involved….
Post # 34
@thisbeeisanon: No, we don’t. We never will. It’s something both of us agree on. Neither of us think it is appropriate, and neither of us are comfortable with it.
Post # 35
@thisbeeisanon: As a married woman, I have a general policy of not spending time alone with another man to whom I am not related. Likewise, my husband has a general policy of not spending time alone with another woman to whom he is not related. In fact, my husband is a pastor, and he will not even go to visit a woman in our congregation who lives alone unless he takes someone else with him, and usually that person is me.
This has nothing to do with whether or not we trust each other or are worried that the other would do something inappropriate. In our circles, this is just a very wise policy to have so that there is not only no opportunity for someone to do anything inappropriate but also there is not even the appearance of something that could possibly be improper.
There obviously are times in a business setting where this situation is unavoidable (unmarried people of the opposite sex traveling to a meeting together or being in their own offices in the building when no one else is present, etc.) and, certainly, that is not ideal from an appearance standard. However, we try our best to avoid those situations when possible.
As far as your objection to your Fiance going hiking with one of your girlfriends, you are absolutely right in wanting to nip this idea in the bud. Even though your Fiance is not yet married, he should not be putting himself in a situation that could in any way lead to problems between the two of you or you and your friend. If there are going to be other people present also, then, fine. However, if the plan is for the two of them to go alone, I do not think that is a wise idea.
Post # 37
@thisbeeisanon: my fiance and I are ok with this. We mostly hang out in groups of couples, but he has a couple of female friends he’s hung out with one on one, and I have a few male friends I’ve seen one on one. Doesn’t happen much anymore because his female friends have moved away and my male friends are busy parents with very young children, but that may change in the future.
However, I don’t believe there is a right or wrong answer here – just because something works for my relationship doesn’t mean it is or should be universally acceptable in all relationships. If you’re uncomforable, you need to nicely tell your husband the truth.
Post # 38
I agree with PPs that it’s important to figure out why you felt weird. I don’t think it’s odd that you did, but it’s a good idea to address those feelings to help deal with situations in the future.
Personally, I could not be with someone who wasn’t ok with me hanging out with my male friends one-on-one. I don’t want my life to be limited by the availability/willingness of my husband or female friends. I have actually spent a whole day in the mountains climbing with one of my guy friends (just him and me) while H and I were dating. It wasn’t an issue at all. It was a fun day out with a friend.
Something else to keep in mind, just because two people of the opposite sex spend time alone does not mean that they will become attracted to one another (emotionally or physically). Think about it – are you attracted to every guy you meet or talk to? I’m going to guess no. The same is going to apply to your SO, your friends, and all random strangers. Sure, feelings could develop. But if you the appropriate boundaries in place, it’ll be easy enough to squish/deal with those feelings without having a negative impact on your relationships.
Post # 39
DH and I have lots of friends and we happily hang out with them. He is still friends with his ex-fiance… she was invited to our wedding, in fact. I like her. She is very nice. I find the idea of them as a couple very amusing, however… they are extremely poorly suited to one another, IMO!
The only thing I would say is that you need to be a little careful and nip any crushes in the bud… if you feel that your opposite gendered friend is developing a little crush, I would probably stop seeing them one on one, at least for a while. Self control.
Although I don’t agree with Brielle that it is improper for people to hang out with opposite gendered friends, she makes a very important point… doctors, nurses, social workers, and pastors should all avoid one on one contact with members of the opposite sex within a profesional context. These people are more likely to deal with members of the public who are mentally imbalanced. Such people could possibly falsely accuse them of sexual misconduct. It is a wise precaution to have a chaperone in these cases, so I think that PP is very sensible to accompany her husband when he is working.
Post # 40
@thisbeeisanon: For us it’s okay with specific people only. It would have to be a really good friend we have known for a while and are both 100% comfortable with, not just someone we know. I’m a-okay with DH hanging out with one of my very good girlfriends, because we’ve both known her for 5+ years, she met us as a couple so knows 100% we are a unit and respects it, she lives far away & doesn’t visit often, and she’s really just not into guys or dating at all and enjoys her single life on the mountain with her pup. DH had hung out with her alone before when she is in town & I’m at work and I’ve got zero issues with it except I wanna play hookey & hang out too!
BUt there are gals that we both barely know that I would never be okay with that. Mostly women that met him first, then me later, and don’t make an effort to get to know me at all. Alot of these girls have a high turnaround rate with boyfriends, are manipulative to get what they want, and brag about shady shit they’ve done with exes/married men/etc, have boundary issues…. So all in all I’d say there are only a handful of friends of the opposite sex we would be okay with the other hanging out with solo- all people that have been very respectful of our relationship, and who don’t really see us in any light other than a couple…
Post # 42
We don’t do it alone. Of the few guy friends I have and lady friends he has, we usually see them at group functions or we both hang out with them. Hanging out alone with a member of the opposite sex has never come up, and it would depend on the person, but as a general rule, I would say heck no.
Post # 43
I have a guy friend that I hang out with… not alone, but we will grab lunch here and there. My DH trusts me & also trusts him. He doesn’t hang out with girls though… my friendship started before I met DH and he doesn’t have friendships with women from before he met me (not ones he would go out to lunch with alone anyways)
Post # 44
Two of SO’s best friends are (straight) women and I have a couple really good guy friends that are straight, although most of them are gay. It’s never a problem. I think part of it for me was seeing how he interacts with his girl buddies – I get it and I’m fine with it. I wouldn’t want him to hang out with an ex though, but he doesn’t anyway.
Post # 45
Interesting! I see what you’re saying. I don’t really know this girl very well (have only known her for about 6 months). I think the situation would be different if either of us had a pre-established friendship with her, or knew her better.
Post # 46
I’m curious… did you and your SO have a conversation about this? How did you establish this policy (for lack of a better word)?