Post # 47
This is very interesting, and largely depends on each couple. When I initially read your post, I thought to myself, “if her friend is going, why wouldn’t she want to go too?? It just sounds like fun now!” But in reading your update about her being a relatively new friend, I would definitely say that it’s weird and would not feel comfortable about it at all.
For me personally, the only friends of the opposite sex we have are really close friends of ours, and my bff is actually someone my fiance knew before me! We met through her. So in instances when I’ve been out of town with family, they’ve hung out and it hasn’t bothered me. It was more like, “we’re both lonely with her gone so we might as well hang out with each other.” It was pretty cute actually.
Post # 48
Unless it was related to business, it just wouldn’t be something that comes up all that often. An exception was the time the wife in a couple who are both long time friends of ours, in fact they both
grew up with H, flew into our city on very last minute business right near H’s office. She called me and asked us to meet her, but I couldn’t make it that day. They had lunch and I was completely fine with that. So, I guess I would have to say it depends on the circumstances, and the person, but we really don’t tend to make a habit of it. Also, a lunch in a public place is a different thing than being isolated and alone with someone all day long.
I agree with a PP who said there is no absolute right or wrong and if it makes you uncomfortable it’s enough of a reason not to be OK with it.
Post # 49
Ok, what bugs me is that he asked if he could go hiking with one of your gfs. My Fiance has female friends of his own who he hangs out with, solo, every once in awhile, but he isn’t close enough to any of my gfs to spend time with them, without me there. I think his request is weird. And does he love hiking that much that he can’t wait until a weekend when one of his friends is available to go with him? I don’t think this is an issue of hanging out with the opposite sex as much as it is a sub-issue of WHO of the opposite sex.
Post # 50
@marie02: “If my SO started developing feelings for another girl while hiking with her or drinking with his buddies, then he’s not the type of person I’d ever want to spend my life with.”
That statement right there about developing feelings (or even just attraction) is something that every single person on this planet is capable of even while married to the love of their life. It doesn’t matter who you are. Crushes happen. Over the course of a lifetime, we meet many people who we are attracted to or who we could be compatible with. It’s only natural that spending time with someone could lead to feelings that go beyond friendship.
An appropriate rebuttal to that would be to say that your SO would then immediately back off from that friendship because he loves you and is committed to you, but that’s as far as you can take it.
Post # 51
Thank you! She’s a very new friend, and neither of us have spent time with her 1:1. I see her maybe 1-2 times per week, and we’re with a group of other girls (running).
I really think the situation and my feelings would be different if one of us had a friendship with her 1:1, or it was somewhat long-standing.
Post # 52
The conversation was a little more roundabout than that. He had hoped to go hiking on Friday, but couldn’t find anyone to go with. Apparently, this friend posted on Facebook that she would go (I didn’t see until a few days later). My fiance brought it up by saying ” _____ was mad at me for not texting her to hike” and then he asked “in the future, would you think it’s weird if I go with her?”
It seemed more like the opportunity presented itself to him, and then he started thinking it through, at which point, he asked me.
Post # 53
Our “policy” has always been that if it effects our relationship negatively, we don’t do it. We have applied this to things like porn, talking to ex’s, and I assume we would use the same logic when it comes to one-on-one hang outs with the opposite sex.
Example: Is it okay for either partner to look at porn?
Answer: As long as it doesn’t negatively effect our relationship by becoming an addiction, giving either partner unrealistic expectations in the bedroom, either partner feeling sexually neglected, etc.
Example: Is it okay to talk to ex’s?
Answer: As long as it doesn’t negatively effect our relationship by causing large amounts jealousy, lying, doing things in secret etc. He isn’t allowed to speak to one of his ex’s becuase she brought up inappropriate conversations – like their previous physical relationship. That got her put on the “not allowed to talk to” list.
If him hanging out with her will negatively effect your relationship, then he shouldn’t do it. We have never had the situation come up. He has 2 really good female friends from high school and college, but everytime they are in town, we all hang out together or we go on double dates. Jealousy is a negative thing for a relationship, so if you will be jealous (and its how your FEEL, you can’t help your emotions) then he shouldn’t do it. Its all about doing what is BEST for your relationship.
Post # 54
Thank you!! That’s such great feedback. I really appreciate the examples. 🙂
Post # 55
@thisbeeisanon: We don’t do anything solo with members of the opposite sex. It’s not a path either of us wants to go down. It’s never come up and we don’t see the value in it anyway.
Post # 56
I understand that attraction is just part of being human, but I still think it comes down to trust, 100%. Trust that your SO will never act
upon any feelings or do anything innapropriate. As opposed to trying to prevent them from ever being in any situation where attraction may
develop, because I just don’t think that’s ever 100% possible.
I don’t see any issue with going on a day hike with someone of the opposite sex, but that’s just me and my relationship. I also believe though, if at any time someone in a relationship feels uneasy about anything, that’s reason enough to sit down and have a discussion with your SO. But I also believe that people need to also look at themselves and recognize where these negative feelings are coming from. If it’s coming from a place of insecurity and jealousy in themselves, I think it’s important to recognize that and try to use that opportunity to also grow as a person.
Post # 57
@thisbeeisanon: my climbing partner is a man. i would be devastated if my DH decided he was too insecure to “allow” me to climb with a man, alone, because then i wouldn’t have a climbing partner and thus wouldn’t be able to climb, which is something i’m really passionate about. thus far it hasn’t been a problem, but if in the future he decides he’s weirded out by it we’ll just have to talk it out. it would be a huge issue if he expected me to give up my biggest hobby and passion because i do it with a guy.
Post # 58
I don’t think I’d hang out alone with a member of the opposite sex. Like I wouldn’t have an evening in. If you’re in public that’s different, but hiking is so private and intimate that even if though you trust them not to cheat it’s just weird.
Post # 59
I think the key is maturity. You can’t help developing a crush… but it’s how you deal with it that counts.
For example, DH used to be very close to a lady who was clearly developing a crush on him. I told him this, and said that it was not fair on her for him to spend time alone with her and give her false hope. DH, of course, was totally oblivious. I told him to look for the signs, and also said “look, love… call it feminine intuition, but I really think it would be better if you only saw A when another friend is also present from now on. If you won’t do it to spare A’s feelings, then do it to spare mine”.
He did just that. Eventually, of course, he found out that A did have a crush on him, after all. He still sees all of his female friends regularly, both singly and in groups, and we still meet A for drinks as a couple.
That is simply how adults deal with things, within my group of friends!
Post # 60
+1! Exactly what I was trying to say! This is how my SO and I operate as well 🙂
Post # 61
I hang out with people of the opposite sex, he does not anymore. He used to go to lunch with a coworker but she was a mutual friend and there was no way he would ever be into her do it was fine. I hang out with some guy friends on occasion but I’ve known them far before I knew my husband. The one Ive known since 3rd grade and though he was in love with me at one point he got over it and is happily with another girl. I told my husband about this before I ever hung out with said guy friend alone. The other group of guys I’ve known since high school and he has nothing to worry about.
HOWEVER- in your situation I would not be okay with it. If all of a sudden he wanted to go like hunting or something with a girl I would be like uhhh NO.