MemberI hesitate to press “submit” – last time I shared our experience about this topic I was slammed, pitied, and felt sorry for…. and sternly told that my feeling were not respect, but rather lack of trust. which isn’t how my Fiance and I feel at all. We do trust one other. We simply prefer to date each other! *sigh*
Member@thisbeeisanon: I think this depends on the relationship and the circumstances. The other week I grabbed coffee at starbucks with a guy I dated back in high school. We’ve been good friends for ten years and are both in relationships with other people (I’m engaged, he’s about to buy a ring). I asked my fiance if he were okay with that and he said he was. I don’t think that sort of scenario where it’s just a catch-up at a public place is a big deal, especially when it’s not often. I’d be more concerned with something on a regular basis and in a less public place. I’d never invite a friend of the opposite sex into my home without my fiance there or anything like that.
MemberOne of his best friends is a girl. And I am
completly ok with them
being one on one but I have grown to have her be a best friend and I want to play to!
my best friend is a guy but gay so no worries
and we have a mutual
guy friend who I would hang out with alone.
we just trust each other and don’t get jealous easily.
as long as im
not being left out I don’t care
Member
MemberYep. In fact, just this afternoon a friend of mine called me at work to invite me tomorrow to a movie screening. I told her I couldn’t go, because I had a Board meeting, but that she was welcome to call my husband to see if he was free. She laughed at going on what she termed a date with him, but did call him.
My friends are just that – friends. They aren’t romantic interests. We don’t cheat on each other. We trust each other. There’s really no difference between hanging out with a friend that’s male versus female. Most of the guys are closer to a brother feeling than anything else. I don’t have anyone in my life anymore that I’ve been interested in (beyond DH). DH’s forgotten to tell me till the last min that he’s going out with a friend for dinner and drinks (one I’ve never heard of) and I’ve been fine – actually joined them briefly before I headed off for yet another Board meeting.
MemberHi everyone! Thanks so much for your feedback yesterday. I talked with my fiance last night about this, and truthfully, the conversation went much differently than I expected.
I started by saying that I hope we would be able to have a constructive conversation about boundaries, and I began by saying how much I believe in him, and our relationship.
Initially, he was quite defensive, and said that he wouldn’t consider going on a hike with her 1:1. He stated this his intent was simply to see how I felt about the situation.
Interestingly, in his attempt to prove that there wasn’t any malicious intent on his part, he asked me to read his text messages to her. This was the part that really sickened me. They had several conversations- one that took place two weeks ago, and one this past Saturday.
The conversation on Saturday confirmed all of my fears. She intitiated the conversation, asking why he didn’t text her to go hiking. She gave her work schedule for the next month, and sent multiple wink faces (and typed “wink, wink”) when she said she would like to go with him next week. There was absolutely no mention of me or her husband. And unfortunately, my fiance contributed to the conversation by sharing his schedule too.
I asked him to read the messages from my point of view, and he became very upset- tears and all. He seemed to understand why I was so concerned, and his perception seemed to be that she was coming on to him, only after I identified it.
I’m really baffled. He’s not great about picking up social cues, in general, and I want to believe that he was just clueless in this situation (sort of like what
I guess the moral of my story is that I am very grateful to the Bees who recommended that this be a conversation, and not a be all, end all policy. I feel strongly that this conversation will lead to clarity for both of us, and we definitely need a follow-up conversation. Thank you for all of your input!
MemberThe first thing I did was to impress upon DH that I trusted him, that I had no intention to stop him seeing his friends, and that I trusted this friend enough to think that she wouldn’t jump on him as soon as he was alone with her.
Then, I said that he should look at this from her perspective… she was probably trying to be restrained, because she knew that he was with me, but she was probably holding out hope that she might have a chance with him sometime in the future, if we broke up.
I said that she might well be hoping for a future which never comes. I said that this was unfair to her… why should she put her life on hold? I said that the simplest way to avoid any impression that he was interested in her would be to only see her either with me, or with our mutual friends, from then on, so that she would understand that I intended to be a permanent presence in DH’s life.
He backed off… and eventually, after a period of adjustment which I think was rather sad for this lady, so did she. She didn’t come to our wedding… she was invited, but sent her apologies, citing work commitments, and a nice card instead. We are still friends.
Hope it works out for you!
MemberMemberBut her being a newlywed… that is bad news. Sounds like a hot mess to me.
The key is not to come off as a jealous witch, because you aren’t one. I mean, you trust this man, right? So no problems there. I would focus on this friend’s issues rather than yours when you talk to your SO. If she has a crush then something is clearly going wrong in her marriage already, and I’m not so sure that either of you want to be involved in that. I would stay well clear.
Oh, and try not to make this incident make you paranoid… just because one friend developed a crush and caused problems, it doesn’t mean that any of his other female friends will. DH still hangs out with his ex, for example, but hell will freeze over before they develop any romantic feelings for each other again… I’d stake my life on it!
MemberFiance is an airline pilot, and so he has to spend a few days a month in another city at the same hotel as all the stewardess, having dinner, lunch and breakfast with them…
At the beginning, it hurt my heart so badly, but I’ve come to understand that it’s his job and he cannot help but to share a table with the cptain and the cabin crew.
However, I know that he will never have lunch/dinner/breakfast with only ONE of the stewardess alone. No matter what. I know he will prefer to skip that meal if that was the case. (As he know I will never have lunch/pair up for a project at Uni with only one male classmate)
We have never hanged out “alone” with someone of the opposite sex, and we never will. in fact, we rarely hang out with our friends separately.
But, I think every couple is a world on its own, so you should do what is better for your relationship.
MemberMemberHe was clueless for about 3 weeks. I had to practically jump him before he realised. They really just don’t get it…
Member@thisbeeisanon: We have never been put in that predicament as a married couple. If that circumstance I would have said, ok see ya, and let him go. Im more of the whatever kinda person, sorry. I know he wouldnt cheat on me or all of a sudden have feelings for another friend.
But I dont just hang out with guy friends all alone. He doesnt just hang out with girl-friends all alone. He actually doesnt have girl-friends, and I really dont have guy-friends. its like since we got engaged and moved in together all my guy friends have vanished. Well, I also moved an hour away too. He never had female friends. We either hang out as a couple with other couples or we hang out with one person individually.
BUT, there is a but!!! While we were still just dating, for about 1 1/2-2 years he told me a female friend happend to be in the state over and was visiting her family and he wanted to go see her. F U NO!!!! 1) I only got to see him on weekends at that point and that would have taken my weekend 2) I have never heard of this girl before 3) He would be travelling 3-4 hours just to have lunch with this chick.
That is where I draw the line.
Member
MemberMy best guy friend is gay and my husband is okay with that for obvious reasons but other than that, we don’t spend time with friends of the opposite sex without each other.
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